SOCIAL SAVVY #22: APPROACHING WOMEN DURING THE DAY
As we continue on the home stretch of the series I thought that for those of you out there who aren’t into nightlife so much that I include a quick unit on approaching women during the day and the overall social savviness needed during the sunnier hours of the day.
I was careful with my wording there by saying “sunnier hours” of the day because really that’s all the differences there is. If you approach a girl at 1pm and approach the same girl at 11pm, you have to realize that it is still the same girl with the same urges and the same biological makeup.
So then why is it that day game is often perceived as being more difficult? There are two main reasons why day game is considered more difficult, and it’s not because of the common misconception that girls in bars are easy, and girls in book shops are frigid. This logic is basic, and ultimately just silly.
REASON #1: LOGISTICS
The main reason day game is more difficult is because it simply presents more random logistical problems that night game will not present. By that I mean when you are out in a club, and girls are out in a club they have very few agendas. The club IS their plan, the club IS where they are going, and it IS where they are staying for enough of the foreseeable future for someone to get to know them.
In the daytime, you are dealing with a lot more logistical issues. When you are out in a shopping area for example people are generally on the move. They are going to meet friends, they are going back to work, they are on a quick break, they are picking up something from a store. Most people are in motion and on a purpose. In a club, they are at a destination.
REASON #2: RECEPTIVENESS
When you are out in a club you can approach anybody. It’s socially acceptable behavior. You can open girls on their own, 2 girls, 5 guys and a girl. It’s not really weird for you to do any of these things because most people, when on a night out, will generally have some form of small talk with a stranger or meet someone new, even if it’s only brief and very quickly forgotten. It’s just expected.
When you are on your way to take back a pair of jeans during lunch hour, or lining up to buy a coffee you aren’t expecting to be approached or talked to by a stranger, let alone actually hit on. This in itself can create friction on the opener. If you open in a club, people are going to either think you are just being social, or you are hitting on them.
During day time, you have no idea. People don’t generally go around shopping malls trying to be social, or hit on people, so people aren’t really defaulting to that initial reaction. With a daytime approach, people are more likely to default to, “Oh god! Annoying guy selling me something,” or even just “Oh, no! Weird guy!”
ADJUSTMENTS TO NIGHT-TIME GAME
With the aforementioned in mind, you can actually use it to your advantage a little bit purely from what I’ve been stressing all through this series, which is by being vulnerable with your intentions.
If you approach a girl in the daytime and you put yourself in her shoes, which is that she is going to be somewhat startled and somewhat thinking “What does this person want from me,” you can see how displaying your intentions straight off the bat is going to help you out, because what’s better? A guy trying to sell you something or scam you in the street, or a guy coming over to politely want to get to know you?
If we assume, you’ve been getting better at approaching, and you look presentable it’s going to be the latter, therefore when you show your intentions early, and you are coming correct with your frame and how you hold yourself, it’s actually going to be a relief for the girl.
By showing your intention early, you are trying to have her mind say, “Oh this guy is just coming to talk to me, he’s not selling me something, or trying to take value from me.” She gets a boost of comfort purely from knowing your agenda.
Displaying this is your initial goal so, your approach needs to be non-threatening, and with a very positive, open and vulnerable energy. By making yourself vulnerable and open, she is able to feel less threatened and more likely to engage with you.
CONSIDERATIONS WHEN APPROACHING IN THE DAY
Receptiveness and logistical issues really go hand-in-hand since logistics is often going to determine how receptive someone is. Not always, but a lot of the time. Sometimes they might just be too freaked out, introverted, unattracted or unavailable.60/40 rule right? It happens!
60/40 rule right? It happens!
Rather than look at daygame as one big all-encompassing thing, its more important to break day game up into sub-sections purely because of the massive diversity you are going to come into contact with, as opposed to night game. The diversity really comes from what a person is committed to at the time of the approach, and different approaches are going to present you with different levels of commitment.
As I said before, in a club setting, the commitments are generally that they are committed to having fun, seeing friends, and taking the edge off, which you can influence and contribute to a lot easier.
So what are people committed to in the day time? Well, we can break it down into 4 major potential commitments. Commitment to
Well, we can break it down into 4 major potential commitments. Commitment to time, people, and tasks. These are really what you are going up against in getting the attention of someone you approach in the day time, as well as general emotional availability.
In the day time, these are all going to be more of a factor than at night. At night most people aren’t worried about time, or tasks. Sometimes, you deal with their commitment to people and emotional availability, but when it comes down to it, they are still out at the bar and so you know their priorities can be influenced a lot easier.
WHAT YOUR APPROACH WILL LOOK LIKE
Taking into consideration what we have talked about thus far, how is this going to alter the way in which you approach?
Well, don’t expect to do the picking up, spinning around, insta-make out, or other more outlandish stuff in the day time. I’m not saying its impossible, but in the day expect your approach to be a lot more low-key and boring.
In practical terms, and opener is going to look something like this.
Open > Display Intentions > Elicit Commitments (Logistics)
Notice how quickly you are eliciting her availability and the logistics. It’s almost the first thing you are guaging for, and while this is helpful to you, you are also going to come off as looking considerate towards her.
You: “Excuse me, Hi. Hello. My name is….. I saw you and wanted to meet you”
Her: “Oh ok, I’m actually just <commitments>
You: “I know it’s a bit weird, you look like you’re running off to somewhere” (Assumptive Statement)
A lot of people will say that purely asking, “Are you busy right now?” to elicit commitments is bad because it gives them an “out” a little bit too easily. I tend to agree, and often it’s good to assume that they will want to talk to you and act accordingly.
While this mentality is a good state to be in, sometimes people will be overly polite, talk to you, but in the back of their mind still be thinking “I need to get out of here,” and because of this, they won’t engage with you so well.
Therefore, as a “middle ground”, an Assumptive Statement can be more powerful. They will either say, “No, it’s fine,” which you can take as an indicator of interest, or they will need to put more effort into talking about whatever commitment they have. Either way, you get the information you want, quickly and the statement make you look more savvy and aware, because rather than ask if someone is busy, you are cold-reading it and they will feel slightly more at easer knowing that you are aware of what you are doing does go against social norms.
PEOPLES COMMITMENTS AND AVAILABILITY
As said earlier peoples commitments are going to fit into people, time and tasks. These should be treated more or less of equal importance to a person and should be gauged on a case by case basis as to how you want to close.
If it’s people related and it’s a boyfriend she’s waiting for, it might not be wise to go for an insta-date, however, if a girl is meeting a friend and you are with your friend you could go for it.
If it’s time-related and a girl is engaged in an activity you need to consider whether doing something there and then is viable. If she’s at work and on a 5-minute smoke break get the number, if she gets off in 5–30 minutes it’s fine to suggest meeting after work and you going away and coming back to meet her. Obviously, you don’t want to look like you have all the time in the world, though.
With tasks like, picking up dry cleaning or buying a loaf of bread or a coffee you can judge these accordingly too. “I was going to the exact same coffee shop, let’s walk together,” is fine, “I’m going to the exact same gym to workout, let’s work out together,” is a bit creepy.
Use common sense where possible.
The commonality with day and night game is that you are still assuming value, and assuming attraction at all times. This game is a do or die game, you’re going in to polarize a girl and confirm that she’s attracted to you, not confirm that you are really nice and considerate.
So while you do need to find out the logistics in order to find out that kind of close you are going to make, you don’t need to act like her logistics are more important than going on an insta-date with you.
Common sense should tell you this, depending on the interaction, but one thing I see a lot of guys do, is they approach, elicit the commitments and then try to push the girl towards her commitments in order to show that they are considerate.
You don’t need to do this. It doesn’t show you are considerate as much as it shows you don’t have any value.
Remember actions over words. If a girl says she has to meet her friend, but then you hook her and she starts engaging with you, assume your value and allow her to bring up the commitment again, then close. If she doesn’t keep leading with your own agenda, and if you think her buying temp is up you can even suggest she ditch her commitment.
LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION
As you can see, there are a few considerations that you need to take into account with day game over night game, and naturally most of this you will get a feel for with practice. At the end of the day, (no pun intended) you need to get out of the mindset that girls in the day are serious and good, and girls at clubs are fun and easy. Girls who work go out, and vice versa. You will however, find more diversity in the day time, and you can further pinpoint the kind of girl you want, and to a point even the level of difficulty you want.
As I mentioned before, “Day Game,” isn’t just one big singular entity, it’s a big thing made of smaller parts, and I specifically want to talk about location.
As just stated, one of the advantages of day game is that you can hone in more on the kind of woman you want to date. From student’s, to salsa dancers, to yogis, to rich girls. Any niche of woman you want is doing something in the day time.
So, let’s look at places that are easier and places that are harder in the day, from my own experience.
DESIGNED FOR SOCIALIZING LOCATION (EASY APPROACH)
- Speed Dating, Group Dating
- Facebook friendship groups (Language exchange, couch surfing, meetup groups in your city)
SEMI-DESIGNED FOR SOCIALIZING LOCATION (FAIRLY EASY APPROACH)
- Classes (Yoga, Meditation, Salsa)
NOT-DESIGNED FOR SOCIALIZING LOCATIONS (EASY TO MEDIUM APPROACH)
- Big books stores (Ones where people are sitting around on the floor)
- College Campus’s (outside)
- Certain Coffee Shops
- Outdoor trips / tours
NOT-DESIGNED FOR SOCIALIZING LOCATIONS (MEDIUM TO HARD APPROACH)
- Shopping Mall / Complex
- Movie theatres
- Colleges (libraries, cafeterias etc)
- Business Staff
Some may disagree with these lists. I’ve based them on the number of possible commitments one would likely be doing. For example, in a coffee shop one might look like they are chilling and browsing the internet with no real commitments, but a girl walking quickly through a mall is less likely to stop walking.
In college, a girl walking out the gate is going to likely be more receptive to a girl who has put time aside in the library to study. Girls at the beach are often just there to chill and get away from people, but some aren’t, hence both categories.
The good news is that difficulty doesn’t necessarily mean quality of women. In fact, I find joining classes, which isn’t hard to approach in to be often filled with quality women who are passionate about something.
Conversely, shopping malls, while more difficult to approach in, are ultimately a mixed bag of random people.
I recommend considering things like, what is available to you, where you live, where is there an abundance of people and also, for the purpose of becoming better, trying out as many different locations as possible.
You never know what you might find, and you never know where you might most feel comfortable. I told you the basis of how I came up with those locations, but hey, maybe you’re so at home at college libraries that you know you can kill it there.
There are no hard and fast rules here. It can be messy, and it can be random. You could get yelled at by someone in yoga class for hitting on them, and you could slay it in a shopping mall bathroom. I’ve seen it happen.
The point of this is to just show a bit of contrast between day and night and to increase your awareness of how people are feeling mentally when they are out and things you might want to consider.
Good luck with your day game. Hook up with friends, find a location, get out there and make a day of it. Have fun and get reference experiences!
See you on the next one!