Confessions of a people pleaser

People have said it before and they will say it again: Rishav Das is a people pleaser.

I’m scared of conflict and I value the approval of other people far too highly because I think it means more than it does.

If you asked me why I do it, I couldn’t give you a succinct answer. Perhaps it’s the happiness it brings others to hear nice things about themselves (client-facing answer) or the rush I get from feeling popular (Rishav-facing answer).

People pleasers have mastered the art of listening, getting people to open up to them and mitigating conflict. We do it so many hours a day that Malcolm Gladwell’s 10,000 hours seem like a dot on our horizon of honing the skill of people pleasing.

So what’s the issue with being a people pleaser?

Dominance. Well, lack thereof. We spend so long trying to make sure everyone is happy, that we often fall behind those who are more willing to hear a negative opinion in return for getting their way.

Thankfully, I don’t really face the issue of asserting myself anymore. Don’t get me wrong, overcoming my tendency to placate was not an easy thing to do. I never wanted to become a confrontational person, but I wanted to be able to hold my own in a discussion and not let my input be taken for granted. These changes come down to minute factors, sometimes as minuscule as the way you speak or stand.

The biggest challenge, however, is striking a balance in my people pleasing nature so as to capitalise on it like any skill. How to people please is no issue for me; I’ve been living it long enough. Figuring out what situations I can use it to my advantage in, meanwhile, is more difficult. In cherrypicking the instances where we choose to bend to the will of others or tell them what they want to hear, I expect that we will also do it less frequently, thus making ourselves less susceptible to weakness-scrutiny while understanding and compensating for the needs of others at the same time.

You can’t please everyone in the room, and I’m beginning to come to grips with that idea.

I love impressing people. If I divert the attention I should be spending on myself to the approval of others, I’ll only be damning myself. We’ve got to learn how to hone and capitalise on the skill, not fall into the hands of it, just as with anything that could be widely perceived as a flaw. People pleasing is an art very few people have mastered, and here’s to making it something worth being proud of.