How to connect deeply with almost anyone?
Everyday we are faced with an opportunity to either connect to other people or move away from them.
According to national library of medicine, forming and keeping deep meaningful connections not only determines how impactful you are in your careers and businesses but is a great indicator of how happy you are over the long run in your life.
Humans are hard wired to connect.
Now, that you are convinced that it is actually a skill worth learning and which everyone possesses to some degree. Let’s see how the people who are most effective at forming deep and meaningful connections do it.
I remember while I was in college, there was a guy who seemed to be friends with everybody and most of us seemed to like him. He actually got a lot of things done; Observing closely I started to notice how he connected with people. Surprisingly in my quest of observing people like him and reading more on it. I’ve found some very counter intuitive things.
What does he and many other people who are great at forming human connections have in common?
Let’s find out:
Be interested, not interesting
Yes, you read it right. It might seem counter-intuitive but it is not. People who are most effective in forming deep connections are interested in the other person. They don’t try to be interesting or show off their talents and achievements rather they are deeply interested and curious about the other person.
Okay, before moving forward read these two invites sent to you by two different people and decide which of these will you respond positively to:
Invite 1: “Bob and I took the family to Machu Picchu this year- unforgettable!! Now we are in the ballroom dancing. Call us crazy but we just weren’t busy enough even with all the charity work. Bob got promoted to vice president, youngest in the company. Jessies’s soccer team took first place in the tournament…….Hope you’re fine. We’d love to catch up with you the next time we’re in town…”
Invite 2: “Hey — how is it going? Nate and I thought of you the other day when we spotted an old junker that looked just like that car you had in college. What did you ever do with that monster? (and how did you get so many dates when you drove it?) We are hoping to swing through town someday soon and take you out to lunch. Did you apply to juliard yet? We listen all the time to that tape of her performance last year. As for us we are fine, I have been working too hard and earning too little but having fun anyway. Happy holidays- We miss you! ”
First People win the interesting game hands down right? They have money, they have cool hobbies and they are clearly successful. The people who sent the second card probably live mundane lives in comparison. In the “aren’t we interesting” game they should obviously loose. But they don’t.
They win. They win big and you would say yes to the second invite if they invite you to lunch and invite 1: You would probably say: “So sorry, we are out of town that week” and breathe a sigh of relief.
As for invite 2 you would say yes because they care about you and you in turn want to reflect it back. Similarly, You cringe when a coworker gets a paper cut and cheer when a movie hero gets the girl.
That’s because for an instant, it’s just as if these events are happening to you — and, in a way, they are. It’s because we mirror other person’s feelings and emotions unknowingly and subconsciously. But why?
Let’s find out:
Mirror Neurons:
“Years ago, scientists studying specific nerve cells in macaque monkeys’ prefrontal cortexes found that the cells fired when the monkeys threw a ball or ate a banana. But here’s the surprise: these same cells fired when the monkeys watched another monkey performing these acts. In other words, when Monkey #1 watched Monkey #2 toss a ball, the brain of the first monkey reacted just as if it had tossed the ball itself.
Scientists initially nicknamed these cells “monkey see, monkey do” neurons. Later they changed the name to mirror neurons, because these cells allow monkeys to mirror another being’s actions in their own minds.
The new name is more accurate, because we’re finding that humans, just like macaques, have neurons that act as mirrors. In fact, studies suggest that these remarkable cells may form the basis for human empathy. That’s because, in effect, they transport us into another person’s mind, briefly making us feel what the person is feeling.”
It works both ways meaning, as we mirror other persons feelings and emotions, we crave to have our feelings mirrored as well, there is a biological hunger to have our feelings mirrored by the outside world.
The more interested you are in the other person the more you narrow the person’s mirror neuron deficit. That’s why there is an instant connection when you listen deeply and are interested in the other person, the more empathy they feel towards you…Again mirror neurons, Huh!
Don’t just act interested, be interested.
You don’t need to fake being interested, be genuinely interested. Here are few benefits to it:
- You get to learn about the other person, new stories, beliefs which you might not be aware of. Having genuine curiosity helps you explore more about things you don’t know about.
- The more interested you are in the other person, the more empathy you feel for them and in turn the other person is more likely to listen to what you have to say and empathise with your ideas and respect you.
“The measure of self assurance is how deeply and sincerely you are interested in the other person and the measure of insecurity is how much you try to impress them with you.”
4. Make people feel important
Everyone wants to feel important, no matter what the status, title, designation of the person is.
Everyone carries an invisible tag attached to their hearts: “Make me feel important”.
Everyone wants to be valued. Everyone wants to be in an environment where their ideas and opinions matter. So if you want people to listen to you, listen to their ideas first, be genuinely interested in them and in turn you earn their respect and they mirror you back (mirror neurons again uhoo!).
By showing empathy and understanding, we create an environment where people feel heard and valued, leading to more productive and fulfilling interactions.
Here’s an exercise:
Next time you are faced with an opportunity to connect:
- Be interested in the other person rather than showing how cool you are or what you have achieved or how interesting you are.
- Be genuinely interested in them, their stories and ideas, ask questions out of curiosity and just listen.
- Resist the urge or temptations to pitch with your own similar story or with your achievements/ideas unless explicitly asked.
References: Just listen by Mark Goulston
Read this: Ideas from the stoic philosophy
