give many damns.

You know, when I was 13, or maybe even 12, I wanted to throw myself off of a cliff basically everyday. I didn’t want to be here on this earth. Now I’m 18, I mean sometimes I want to throw myself off of a cliff (who doesn’t from time to time), but for the most part i’m actually okay. When I was 13, I didn’t see a future. Literally everything was so dark. When they say depression is like a big, black, never-ending hole of nothingness, they aren’t lying. That shits intense. Now, I have so many plans for the future. I just applied to start studying at Massey university next year, to move to another city 8 hours away from home and familiarity, to start a future 13 year old me would have never invisioned. Growth is weird man.

Honestly though, sometimes you don’t even realise how far you’ve come. Sometimes it’s even weirder how it comes about, I mean mine was because I had a rod inserted into my body today and all I could think of was ‘Yay, no babies for 5 years whilst I study, and by 23, who cares if I have kids and start a family?’. But can we just… for a second…

I. Fucking. Thought. About. A. Future. Though.

and i mean honestly, that caught me a little off guard. Rosh?? A future??? What is this nonsense. It was never something I really thought a whole lot about, or gave much thought too, or even just a damn about. Not until really, thinking about it, the last few months actually. I’ve suddenly gotten a lot of my shit together in such a short time frame. Shit that would be so normal and so simple, so straightforward for other people but for me is challenging to merely even give a single thought to. Honestly, if i’ve learnt anything, it’s that shit is way too temporary to spend all your time not enjoying the littliest things in life and allowing yourself to just live your life how you want to? Allowing yourself to be consumed by the thought that this existence merely isn’t enough is just pointlessly draining. Look, depression isn’t as easy as ABC or 123, it’s not a walk in the park, it’s a god damn mental illness that needs to be taken a hell of a lot more seriously than it is. IT TAKES TIME TO GET BETTER; and you’re going to relapse. That doesn’t mean you should live your life in fear of never getting better. Too many people idiolise the thought of being sick, or staying sick because it’s suddenly become a ‘trend’ amongst society to look cooler or become more attractive. I mean no, I’m not better; but I refuse to sit back and let depression consume me to a point where I miss out on half my god damn life. I’m way too excited for all of the good things to come and there is just so much more to life than being sad all the damn time.

“There is literally nothing in nature that blooms all year long, so do not expect yourself to do so”

Life is worth it even just for small things. It’s okay to be alive for puppies. It’s okay to be alive for your favourite book, or your morning coffee with extra chocolate on top. It’s okay to be alive for every tomorrow’s sunset or sunrise. Whatever is keeping you here is plenty, it’s enough and it’s valid. So give a damn. Give as many fucking damns as you want and have to give, but only about shit that’s worth giving a damn about. Your life is one of them.

“It has been one of the greatest and most difficult years of my life. I learned that everything is temporary; moments, feelings, people, flowers. I learned that love is about giving. Everything. And letting it hurt. I learned that vulnerability is always the right choice because it is easy to be cold in a world that makes it so very difficult to remain soft. I learned that all things come in twos; life and death, pain and joy, salt and sugar, me and you; it is the balance of the universe. It has been the year of hurting so bad but living so good; making friends out of strangers, making strangers out of friends. Learning that mint chocolate ice-cream will fix just about everything. And for the pains it can’t there is always my mother’s arms. We must learn to focus on warm energy, always, soak our limbs in it and become better lovers to the world, for if we can’t learn to be kinder to each other, how will we ever learn to be kinder to the most desperate parts of ourselves.” — rupi kaur
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