Life block
It’s been a long time since I wrote, far too long in fact. Yet here I am, despite it all, in a completely new blog space writing about a life update that probably none of you care about, but I need to get off of my chest. Lessons I have learnt over the last 7 months I’ve been MIA, things that have happened and just the major life block i’ve had in general. So here it is, all cards on the table.
As some of you already know, and some of you may have guessed or heard, I’ve made the decision to move back home to Gisborne to live until next year and just, well, figure some shit out. This was such a hard decision for me because I loved my life, I loved, I mean I love my friends and my flat mates and though my jobs were stressful at times, for the most part, I loved them. But everything consumed me, the pressure for myself that I wasn’t doing anything on my part to grow either as a person or for my future was just making me depressed by the minute. The thought of not being enough and not doing enough, for myself was absolutely killing me to a point where I hit one of my lowest points thus far. It wasn’t even just that I thought I wasn’t good enough for myself, but I genuinely felt like everyone around me and everyone I knew was progressing in their lives and I just, well, wasn’t. I was stuck at a stand still and I glamourised every other aspect of my life, through social media especially just to prove that I was doing fine, that I loved my life. Still to this day I’m not 100% sure whether I was trying to prove this more to myself or others. It was to a point where I thought my parents, my family, were just as dissapointed in me as I was in myself and that was hard to come to terms with, mainly because I was always one to know what I wanted and I talked a big game (damn it Rosh, why do you do that). My mental and physical health was decreasing rapidly, in so many different ways that aren’t even worth the discussion and I allowed to hit a low that I promised myself I wouldn’t hit again. Mental health is just as important as physical health and I wish more people understood that it’s okay to have just as many lows as you have highs.
Because I DON’T KNOW WHAT I WANT. But that’s okay. I’m 18, I’m young, and I still have so much life, learning and lessons ahead of me. I genuinely wish there wasn’t as much pressure to know and be ‘something’ when you barely even know who you are as a person at this age. Despite the stigma around young people having to know what they want fresh outta high school, you’ve got to come to terms with the fact that sometimes it’s okay to not always have your life together yet. They make it seem like you have to be thrown into the deep dark end of adulthood and sometimes the thought of that is too much for some of us, too scary to come to terms with. I went from being independent at 17 to moving back in with my parents just for emotional support, and though it’s hard sometimes to come to terms that it seems like i’ve gone 5 steps back, i’ve actually gone 6 steps forward in getting better, not just mentally, but as a person and there’s not a second where I’ve regretted it.
“You need to ignore what everyone else is doing and achieving. Your life is about breaking your own limits and outgrowing yourself to live your best life. You are not in competition with anyone else, you’re not even in competition with yourself. But push to outdo your past, not other people”
I was lucky enough to meet someone who put a lot into perspective for me the other night. Sometimes people just say things to you without really fully grasping the full impact of what they’re saying can have on you, both positively and negatively. There’s either something about the time of night it was, or how softly he spoke to me, and although one of the things he said to me was so simple, it hit me pretty hard. “You’ve got your youth. You’ve got so much time ahead of you, so much more of your life to live.” and he was right, entirely. I was so bloody young and I had so much time to just live, to experience all that there is on offer to me. I’m not saying I’m still not going to set goals for myself and live frivolously with no end goal, or goals, because you’ll find yourself more lost than anything else, and theres nothing worse than feeling lost and alone. However, there is so much more to enjoy in life, like the finer things and the things that matter; spending time with your friends and family, giving to others and not wanting a single damn thing back. There is so much more worth living for whilst we’re young because one day we will look back, and as ironic as it sounds, you don’t want to be wishing you’d done the things you hadn’t because you were too afraid to live a little. So if you’re reading this, thanks again for putting things into perspective for me without really realising it, and helping rid my writers block. Stay rad. Mic drop.
And i’m not magically cured, but here are 7 things i’ve learnt help heal a person:
- Mint Chocolate chip ice cream really does help heal the soul, and the heart.
- Sometimes some people just aren’t worth the worry or the effort and sometimes you can only waste so much time on people who don’t deserve it, friendships included.
- But everyone deserves love and kindness.
- If reading the same poetry book every night before you go to bed makes you feel at ease with the fact that everything will be okay, then that’s okay. Read it until the words are faded and lost in the different parts of your soul that make you, you.
- Smoking numbs nothing, and it’s a filthy habit so don’t start it, and if you have, stop. It’ll consume you almost as bad and as much as the sadness you smoke to be rid of it.
- Tell those you love that you love them and appreciate them every chance you get. Do it before it’s too late.
- There’s something about beaches at night time that will always make you feel a little more whole and at ease. Even in winter, appreciate the cold.
Thank you to every single one of my beautiful friends who have been there since the beginning. You make my heart so much fuller.