As strong as I ought to be.
“For God did not give us a spirit of cowardice but rather of power and love and self-control.” Timothy 1:7
I had been afraid ever since I have memory. Afraid of everything, literally. My brothers and my parents are witnesses of how fearful I have been all my life. Afraid of common things like snakes, scorpions or spiders. Afraid of significant things like being abandoned or something bad happening to a loved one. Afraid of death, afraid of getting lost.
In short, my life was a fear itself. I remember going to pajama parties as a kid to friends houses and calling my mother crying in the middle of the night begging her to pick me up. The truth is that I was not afraid of staying over, I was afraid of something happening to my parents and me not being able to do something to prevent it. Now that I look back it doesn’t make sense. I am not and I never was a police woman nor a doctor or a firefighter as to be able to prevent anything that could have happened in the middle of the night. I just felt as if I needed to be there.
I am not kidding. I remember being around 10 years old and calling my parents in the middle of their night out date to make sure everything was going OK and to make sure they were going to come back before midnight. I would make up so many movies in my head of tragedies which never happened. I think I could have become a really good movie director. They were 3D, high def, blue ray, and all this.
I had nightmares every other night in which robbers would enter my house and I was the only one awake. My biggest fear was to not be able to wake up my parents and my brothers before it was to late. I had this plan in my head of how I would escape and run to the forest next to my house to ask someone for help. They were horrible. They were just so real. I would wake up feeling as if my heart was going to come out of my chest not knowing if it had been just a nightmare or if it had been real. I remember so clearly the many many times I ran up the stairs to the room of my parents in the middle of the night sobbing to make myself room in between them and sleep for the rest of the night holding tight to their hands. Feeling such a relieve knowing that it had all been just a nightmare.
I cannot tell you why I was so afraid, but I can explain to you why I am grateful for it now. I have come to know a peace that surpasses every fear I had. I have tasted a quietness that does not belong to this world. I have come to know that this weakness I have always had is not something that God rejects but something that God cures. This weakness has come to be one of my greatest assets. It is this weakness that God has shown me how powerful He is.
The truth is this weakness has not disappeared. On the contrary, He has shown me that I am even weaker than I though I was. He kindly let me know that this weakness is never going to go away because is this weakness what keeps me close to Him day after day. This weakness is what opens my heart to His power, the door to His strength and His sufficiency. The key to His treasures.
He has taught me that even though I am weak I do not have to fear anything or anyone but Him. Because nothing ever will be able to separate me from His love. He is showing me that through this weakness I am strong. I am strong because it is no longer I who live but He who lives in me. I get to be a witness of His power. I get to dwell in the house of the Lord and listen to His voice while He whispers to my ear to not be afraid. He holds my right hand and gives me the courage to take the next step. He gives me the faith to be obedient and the peace to rest in His presence waiting for His plans to be revealed.