My name is Rita Sanz-Agero and I am not a writer.
How to start. So many things to tell you. My heart burns in need of letting you know the truth about who I was and who I am now. Testifying about the life I have been living for the past few years which has no comparison. It is like seeing deeper into a beautiful painting which comes to life right in front of my eyes (C.S. Lewis — “The weight of Glory”), where I am not the protagonist and that is just fine. Feelings I had never experienced before, a peace like no other and an inexpressible joy that overflows my heart. I have found a treasure which surpasses my understanding.
I have to let you know that I am not a writer. You probably noticed it already. I have always had a hard time putting my thoughts in a logical order and not getting lost in my words while I write, sorry about that. Anyways, I will not worry about it because I am certain that God will speak to your ear whatever he wants you to know.
Three main things I need you to know:
- I am writing because I love you, not because I want you to love me. That gives you the complete freedom of criticizing me or my writing, believing me or not believing me. I will still love you anyways. You can write me whenever you want and I will reply. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but I will reply.
- I am done with pretending. For a long time I pretended to be the girl I though everyone wanted me to be. It is just so exhausting, so empty, so confusing and so frustrating. Everyone having a different idea on how my life should look like and me not even knowing what I really wanted or who I really was. I was lost, for real. Lost in a dark place where I had no answers, trying to look deeper into the darkness to find answers which where never there. Thank God for existing, for his mercies that I now understand are innumerable. His is the glory and the power forever. When I realized I was lost, I was found. I was found by the one my heart loves, by Jesus Christ the hope of glory. The Lord and Savior. He who opened the way to the Father, to our Creator. Him to whom I rebelled since I was little. I really though I could control my life on my own and just come up with a “god” of my understanding who would help me in times of need. I was so so so wrong, so lost in my own pride and selfishness. Looking for things that would never satisfy my soul. Feeling so thirsty without even knowing it. Feeling empty, so scared of that emptiness, pretending everything was just perfect. Everyone would have said I had the perfect life, but the truth is that I was just a scared child and a good pretender. I would even believe myself, it was a complete brainwash which I would do to myself every morning. Telling myself to be positive, to keep moving forward. Daydreaming and believing that emptiness would go away if I would accomplish this or that. Truly believing that happiness would show up in the next corner. Trying to catch the air by filling my days with activities which would help me achieve my dreams just to realize that dreams were empty as well. I get exhausted just thinking about how it was. If you ever felt or feel anything similar to this please write me, you have no idea what is waiting for you if you just surrender. I can tell you.I am a living witness of something which I don´t really understand but which can be yours if you only surrender and open your heart. I pray you will and soon enough because nothing ever can be compared with what He has prepared for those who love him. I consider everything as lost compared to the love of Christ which has saved me from that which I deserve.Lets be clear. I am not talking of another brainwash. I know brainwashing pretty well, I was an expert on the topic. This is real stuff, more real than me. A joy that can´t be compared to anything I have ever experienced before. A smile which won’t go away. The peace I never knew I needed. My eyes opening in plain light of the day and my ears hearing things I had never heard before. I was born again and something began to happen. Something amazing. Something I am not doing myself, something I could have never done. That is why my life is no longer mine, it is his. He is the author of faith and he saves by grace. I never deserved this precious gift and I will never deserve it. I can just accept it and say yes to his amazing plan. Now I understand it is not about me and it has never been about me, which leads me to the next point.
- It is not about me. It has always been about God and it will always be about God. If I write about myself it is because it’s the only life I have been a true witness of. I cannot write about you because I don´t know what you have been through and even if I knew, I will not pretend I understand what it has been like. I can just tell you about what has happened in my life and what I am going through. The real struggles of everyday living. My weakness and his strength, my fears and his unfailing love, my unfaithfulness and his faithfulness.
That is the confession of the day. Good start? I don´t know, but it’s ok. For the first time in my life I know I intentionally don´t what to pretend to do this in a perfect way. This time I will leave perfection to God and just be myself.
I hope in God this short story adds value to your life. Please let me know if this rings any bells in your heart or mind. I am here for you and so is God. You are not alone.
Write you soon enough. Take care and rejoice in Him for He is forever good. Love the light and hate darkness.