The Shame of Shame

The other morning on the radio, the DJs hosted a conversation between two people, Janet and David, who’d gone on a date. Janet claimed the date went really well and she didn’t understand why he never called. They were on the show to discuss the reasons.
David began by complimenting her — she’s beautiful and smart, she’s funny and I really liked her. Then the DJ pushed him for the truth about why he hadn’t followed up. David stuttered and stammered, deflecting with comments like, “It’s really about me. She was wonderful.”
But the DJ wasn’t having it. He kept pressing until finally the David admitted, “I’m only attracted to petite, thin women.” There was a moment of silence — presumably from the shock of his antiquated and misogynistic perspective — and then the shit storm started.
“I’m 5' 7”,” Janet retaliated, her voice raised. “And 125 pounds. What do you want? Someone who’s emaciated?”
Both DJs, one male and one female, criticized David and shamed him for being so shallow. He attempted to defend himself, “What about when a woman doesn’t like bald guys and only wants a man with a full head of hair?”
The push back from the DJs and Janet, acting righteously scorned, was immense. For five minutes they pummeled this guy for his preference, often loudly, until she finally said she was happy that she knew what kind of guy “he really was” and hung up.
So…
Those who know me may think I’d be on board that “who the hell does he think he is?” train. Especially because I’m fat. But I’m not. And here’s why.
First, I applaud this guy for knowing what works for him. Would it have been better for him to try to convince himself he could force a physical attraction where there was none, date her for three months and then reject her at a much deeper level when he couldn’t make it work?
Some may call his preference shallow, but not every lid is made for every pot. Plus, who wants to waste time by convincing yourself that someone’s stellar qualities mean more than a physical connection? You may call it superficial. I call it knowing one’s self.
Second, the enormous impact of Western cultural values on this woman’s sense of worth is stunning. Instead of her saying, “Hey dude, I get it. I’m not attracted to guys who (fill in the blank). Have a nice life,” she railed back, defending her good eating habits and elaborating about how much she exercises and takes care of herself.
He said nothing about any of that, in fact, he said how beautiful she was. Janet reacted to what was in her head. Which is filled with shit that says if you’re not a particular body type, or worse, a certain age and still not partnered, you’re worthless.
What’s worse, both of the DJs supported her and formed a triangle whose only goal was to make this guy feel bad. How does that help anything?
Instead of addressing the reasons she felt defensive, the DJs inadvertently added to the shame Janet obviously felt. The whole thing, including the fact that thousands listened to this drivel and most likely took one side or the other without really examining why, is unfortunate.
Imagine what would have happened if they’d questioned this woman on the thoughts and beliefs that caused her reaction instead of making him out to be an asshole.
What if she realized that her beliefs — she’s less than if she doesn’t eat right, exercise and take care of herself or she’s not attractive because one guy doesn’t want to date her or being single means she’s defective — were total bullshit? How empowering that would be!
No one asked her why it meant so much to her that this virtual stranger didn’t want to develop a relationship with her. Or why his opinion mattered. I can tell you, unequivocally her response had nothing to do with him.
It was her ego mixed with the messages women receive every day about what it takes for us to be worthy. From magazines and Hollywood standards to being paid less than men for the same job to our own president feeling as if has the right to say and do whatever he wants to any woman, we get it loud and clear that our worth is intricately tied to men’s opinions of us.
It was was also her past experiences, which she interpreted as gospel about her worth, that made her value this stranger’s opinion so very, very much. She actually went on a live radio show to ask this guy in public why he never called. Hello?
Let this guy like his petite, thin women. The most valuable thing this woman can do for herself is not to worry about his side of the street, but to clean up her own. She’d be a lot stronger if she for it. Oh,wait. That’s right. It’s so much easier to feel justified in your victimhood.
Carry on, then. Just don’t expect me to to join you.
