Ritika Chaturvedi
Aug 25, 2017 · 5 min read

A letter to my deceased brother

Dear kaminey Raj,

Chained emotions in the fetters of time. We all are victims of time, aren’t we? We sit, we laugh, we cry but deep down there is something about which even we are unaware. We crib about futile things in life and in that process we forget who we are and forget to look deep inside ourselves. But bloody time, it comes back again and again and brings with it the pain, the agony of the past. It’s been 9 years to your death but the mourning period seems never ending. You seem to have made a cut so deep in my heart, a vacuum so big that I guess can never be filled. Your memory is etched in heart like that of the lines made by the rope on the cemented well. It passes through me always in flashes, sometimes pleasant, sometimes sad but never leaves me. I don’t even want it to leave me. I will be really lonely if that happens and maybe that will be the day when we will finally meet somewhere in between the stars and the soothing moonlight.
Your silly laughs, your stupid jokes to make me laugh, your little presents, your crystal clear heart everything seems to have been living inside me.
You didn’t even give me time to mourn your death but now the mourning period seems never ending. After your death once I overheard Papa when he was talking to someone where he said, 'people say the pain heals with time but I say the agony increases with each passing day when you don’t see that person around you, it takes time to take in the fact that that person is no longer there and then it hurts the most. Those who haven’t experienced this can’t feel it ever.'

Yes he was right and that’s where I learnt the word 'agony' from and now whenever I see this word 'agony' I am just reminded of him, his agony and of you.

I have seen him giving example of Dashrath (the father of Lord Ram) who left his body after hearing the news that his son is going away from him for 14 years. It has been called 'Putrashok' in the epic. That’s how deep it was. I have seen him asking people how is he supposed to live when he knows the fact that his son is gone forever. I wonder how he is keeping with such a big grief.

I know, it's not your fault, you didn't want to leave but the bitch time and cancer separated us.

This time when I visited Dr. Sunil, Mayo Medical Centre and I was completely moved. I could feel your presence somewhere in between the walls of the hospital, the nurses, the hospital beds, the doctors, the ward where we used to play, the washroom where you used to hide. I remember you taking me on a wheelchair to take a round of the hospital. Haha, I should’ve done that but it was fun and I loved all those moments with you. And you know, the ICU of Mayo is no longer in the basement. I wanted to visit the bed number five where you breathed your last breath but the guard told me it has shifted to the top floor so I didn’t go down.

Raj, I don't know but I miss you daily these days, no one will ever understand this but I do a lot. How should I tell you this now? And I wonder if you miss me the way I miss you? How am I suppose to tell you things or discuss things with you? All your friends have grown so big and look real men! I wonder how you would've looked had you been alive. I am sure you would've been really good looking and smart and you would've had many girlfriends. Haha, you might find it funny but long back I downloaded this app where if you upload pictures you will see how one looks when one gets older and tried uploading your picture but that showed me something horrible and I was sure you can't look so bad when you are older. 
But sadly, I can't know anything about you. You just vanished in the sand with your soul hanging in the souls of mummy, papa and me.
I wonder how difficult it would have been for mummy. I know, you loved her more than you loved anyone.

I wonder if you can see my tears, and the cry of my heart for you. I never thought this will happen to you. I was a kid to take in such a huge thing but now it’s way more difficult for me. You were like that strongest pillar which I can always lie back on, a pillar that would stand in the hardest of all storms and someone who will always take me back in his warm arms even after I have done the craziest thing. I have always been the crazy one and you were the wise one. I hope you understand me and see me from somewhere in the sky. I miss your warm affectionate hugs and I miss playing with you, fighting with you for unreasonable things, lying awake beside with you one day before your death when you were also awake and couldn’t say anything but was just staring at me with sad eyes. Probably you knew that you will soon say goodbye.

I try to find you in people, in things, in the gusts of wind that I believe blows from the Baikunth Dham of Gomtinagar to my heart, in the bottle of mud from the place your body rests, in the morning sunshine and with that in a perfect cup of tea. Is that the reason why I like tea so much? Maybe because I try to find you in the sips of that perfect up of tea, the taste that you enjoyed the most. But, let me tell you this that till date I couldn’t like Marigold biscuits and the Red Lays. I think they have stopped making Red Lays. I don’t see it in the shops these days. Papa gets Marigold biscuits at times and has it with tea the way you used to but I am sure he also doesn’t like it much. Haha, you will find it funny but he still sticks to his Goodday biscuits (I hate it too). Also, he is fat and weighs 89 kgs now!

I wish I had a smart phone back then, I would have captured every little moment with you. Sadly, I have very limited pictures of you that I keep editing and trying to modify in the belief that I might be able to see something different but I always fail.

Things have changed, you will see that if you come here someday. You know, we got a car in 2010 and mummy papa missed you a lot that day. They wanted you to be there, you so wanted us to get a car but when we got one you left us. But, we have a picture of you in that car which has faded over the years but your faint smile in that picture still brings smiles on our faces with tears of sorrow deep in the eyes which is never revealed and never talked about.

I know you loved me dearly even more than I loved you. I miss you a lot. A LOT. I can't write anymore.

Bye

Roshni.

)

Ritika Chaturvedi
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