mending woes

So, it’s almost three in the morning and I can’t sleep. Probably because my brain is swimming with a lot of ideas right now. Questions. Concerns. Trivial anxieties.

I had this thought,looking back on the last four years. There have been ups and there have been downs, but I found myself thinking about my “mistakes”. There was a lot of incredibly stupid shit that I let myself get caught up in, wallowing in melancholy, so to speak. It’s one of my favorite hobbies, I suppose.

Trivial. Trivial. Trivial. I just started repeating that word over and over again.

At the time, none of it seemed at all trivial. Now, if you were to confront me with the problems that plagued, say, Sophomore River, I would probably tell you to piss off. None of it has the weight it once did because I’m no longer that person. But those “mistakes” are what led me here.

I’ve figured some things out now and I’m continuing to figure out others. I’m standing on solid ground these days. I’ve gotta give myself some credit now. Yes, I am capable.

I have something to say. I have something to offer.

I thought about how I wish I would have known these things three years ago, walking into Ball State. I definitely had a general sense of them. I just never had a firm grasp on the concepts. But then, I realize that these are the things I’ve learned through my time here. I had to learn in order to reach this point that I can say “yes, I get it now”.Who’s to say if I would have figured it out otherwise?

I can’t really say I’ve much to be bitter about. Sure, I wish that some things might have gone differently, but I’m starting to realize I’m probably better off now.

I’m telling all the bullshit to fuck off. Moving forward. Moving onward. One foot out the door already. That’s certainly a scary thought, but it’s also exciting. To think that I’m actually eager to see what’s next. To experience more of the ups and downs that are still to come.

I have reason to feel good today. I hope you have reason too.

“A Golden Cascade” — Scott Uminga