Interest

Isn’t it interesting how much we try to gain approval from the people who support us the least?

Truly, it seems as though every time that we are trying to impress or even gain approval from someone, they are the one person in this world who will never do right by us.

For example, tonight I caught myself thinking about my family, specifically my mother. Most of my life I have tried and over and over to gain her approval, to do right by her. Most of the time I would be doing something totally out of character or uncomfortable just in order to hear her say “good job”. Even at the age of 24 I still seek to gain approval from her. Every purchase I make, every job I work, I achieve in hopes that she will approve and she doesn’t.

When I was younger I thought my mom was the epiphany of success. A strong independent woman, with a carrer at the age of 22, traveling the globe and doing what she wanted. Some of that still sounds appealing to me today, but I wonder if she ever got to enjoy some of it, or if she was merely going through the motions.

The more time passes, the more I wonder what I want to do with life. Who I want approval from, or why I would want approval at all. Maybe it’s less about approval and more about the affirmation of the decisions that I have made.

My family does not affirm 99% of the decisions that I make and I have to live with that. I guess ultimately I just want to get somewhere, to make a difference somehow. I guess that’s what most of us want. To not feel so small in this big world.