Coronavirus & Mental Health: Emotional Intelligence, Empathy & Practicing Openness
[This is PART 4 of a 5-part series exploring mental health during the COVID-19 pandemic and lockdown period. You can find the other pieces at the end of the article.]
And these tend inward to me, and I tend outward to them,
And such as it is to be of these more or less I am,
And of these one and all I weave the song of myself.
— Song of Myself, Section 15 — Walt Whitman
Take some solace in a lockdown: you are not alone in the struggle.
Though it is difficult for sufferers of anxiety or depression, everyone now has an excuse to pick up a phone and reach out to someone familiar. Through Whatsapp, Zoom and the litany of chat tools, we really are not alone. We can dine with our family thousands of miles away and celebrate our friend’s birthday.
However, to achieve this level of closeness at such a distance is not easy. We can let frustration or anxiety take over us. We cannot feel a hug of a loved one or the consolation of an arm on our shoulder. Touch, our primary sense for feeling, has lost its potency. Yet the cravings for connection still remain.
We can and should still seek human connection in our daily lives. But we need to rethink how we connect with other people.
Quarantine has presented us with an amazing opportunity to enhance another type of connection: emotional intimacy.
Growing up, we are taught primarily about cognitive intelligence. At school and university, we learn how to read, write and think logically. We are prepared for what we are supposed to do: a particular function in society based on our knowledge.
Yet we have never had any lessons on our emotional intelligence. As The School of Life points out, we are not taught how to understand ourselves and our emotions. We are not taught how we can untangle our minds and articulate our feelings and worries.
Our daily lives are often devoid of emotion. We can spend days lacking emotional intimacy and connection. Now is the time to open up and allow ourselves to feel again.
Self-openness: understanding our own emotions
In these isolated times, we need to develop a greater awareness of our emotional selves.
We must learn to open up to ourselves and admit to any suffering that we might have. We can play an inner dialogue, where we articulate how we feel to ourselves and listen closely. Once we have established an emotional safe space, we can learn our different sides. We can curiously question why we have certain emotions and reactions, without judgement and blame.
For me, this inner dialogue is manifested through writing. When I was suffering with depression, writing was my therapy. I would write whenever I needed to, page upon page.
I look at myself from a third party perspective: a detached archaeologist that would excavate my emotions and feelings and try to understand them as objects. I put on the page small headings — “Jealousy”, “Shame”, “Competitiveness”, “My Strengths” — and explore the topic, writing what comes to mind.
Through the act of putting words down on the page, I took part in a therapeutic discovery, not fully knowing what I might find. I had no expectation, only a hunger to understand myself emotion by emotion, feeling by feeling.
Other people may use alternative techniques: painting, meditation, stillness, sessions with a therapist. Yet, the end goal is still to understand ourselves emotionally. Once we have done this we have the chance to open up to others.
Reaching out a hand: emotional intimacy with others
We must realise that human connection is a skill of two communicative parts: openness and empathy.
Many of us are stronger at one or the other: we may be great at being there for others, but unable to open up ourselves; or we are naturally very quick to open up, but unable to sit and listen to someone else. Now is the time to work on the other.
Once we have opened up to ourselves, we have a necessity communicate our suffering to others. This is no time to feign happiness; no time to keep a stiff upper lip. The “I’m fine” culture has been decimated by a global pandemic.
If we are suffering at that moment from anxiety or depression, we should challenge ourselves to articulate how we are truly feeling. We can start with those friends or family we trust.
The act of admitting to suffering is a therapeutic process. 99 times out of 100 a true friend will stop and listen. Through the realisation that the lows we are feeling have been felt by others, we gain consolation and strength.
Personally, when I went through a serious low point at the end of last year, I was able to open up to myself and understand my emotions, but I bottled them up. I told no one. I didn’t dare articulate how I was truly feeling.
The emotion grew in me until I broke down. My mistake was not to realise how wonderful the people around me really were.
I started to open up to family and close friends at first. My sister gave me the deeply emotional Reasons To Stay Alive. Several cousins opened up to me about their struggles. My friends hugged me like I had never felt them before. We had lunches and drinks that lasted hours; my friendships sored to new heights as I started to open up about the dark depths.
When I finally opened up to many colleagues at work, the response too was phenomenal. Most of them had no idea about my suffering and said they were always there for a chat. Some even opened up about their struggles in the past. I left with deeper human connection and a profound sense of emotional intimacy.
There has been no greater time to connect with other people. The fact is that everyone is scared at the moment. Whether we want to admit it or not .Not just our friends and family; the whole of humanity.
The quote from the top is taken from Walt Whitman’s Song of Myself, section 15. If you haven’t already, I recommend reading the whole of the poem.
Whitman is the master of emotional intimacy. He reminds us of the commonality of all human beings and our desire for connection. He asks us to invest time in opening up to the world; for when we open ourselves up to others, we allow others to do the same for us.
There is no need to suffer alone. We can lighten the burden by opening up if we are struggling. We can then open the door to allow someone else to do the same.
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To continue with the story, find the other parts below:
👉 Part 1: Fear, Loneliness & The Silver Linings of Quarantine
👉 Part 2: Free Time, Love & Becoming Our Own Best Friend
👉 Part 3: Gratitude, Curiosity & Doing Less Better
👉 Conclusion: Uncertainty, Strength & Holding Our Own
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