Fate

That’s what they said. It has been a while now as I looked back at myself over the years. I wonder why these days my thoughts have been on a rewind and replay mode, only to bring up memories — sometimes in snapshots and sometimes in moving pictures. Specifically, I would like to talk about relationships. In the beginning, I thought it is only particularly relevant in the realm of romantic relationship. However, as I delved deeper, I realized that the trend is all the same — the interactions with strangers, acquintances, friends, close friends and girlfriends. What made things harder for me to swallow is that my area of work involves investigation phenomena among social interactions. Inevitably what made me doubt myself at times is the consistent questioning of the accuracy of the lens that I use. It is sort of a form of cognitive dissonance because at many instances, behaviors and cognition simply don’t match. Am I inherently biased? Is it that I am simply enforcing a kind of ideal that is never going to be true? Is it in the wrong direction compared to how others think? Or worse still, is it only me?

I don’t have much friends. It’s not exactly a good thing some might say, but it is neither a bad thing as well. I question the purpose behind having friends. One perspective is that people have a need for connectedness. It is true, because people with tens of thousands of followers on Instagram or Facebook do feel somewhat good about themselves relative to people who do not have that. The problem is what are friends for in the first place? For comfort? For network value? For fun? Perhaps one’s perception towards the need for friends varies from people to people and therefore subjective. It’s fine as long as they think it is fine (just don’t let me see it). I still choose to believe in making friends because friends matter in your life for reasons above and beyond family ties. Unfortunately I know that is not always true.

The next point then is how much effort does one take to “acquire” new friends? I really don’t think it is just because of personality traits such as extroversion and introversion that determine one’s action, although I admit traits do play a part. For what I have gathered introspecting myself, I don’t make any additional effort towards people who appear randomly or are extended from other friends. Thus far, my interactions have been all designated by some form of order such as classes, external commitment groups, army and workplace. Interestingly, I decided to miss my undergraduate orientation session, in which groups are formally allocated. I guess my idea behind orientation is that it is simply a place for people to get-to-know each other. What comes next is the keeping up of false pretence to people whom I do not like, and that is too much work me. Of course, I feel compelled to be nice to people I do not know at least, but I am really judgmental (let’s not go into whether it is justified or not). Nevetheless, I do count my blessings for what I have now — strong bonds with friends that withstood the test of time and adversity.

Back to being judgmental, I can’t put a finger to anything about how and why. In fact I did a 4-hour experiment with multiple groups earlier today and I find that I really don’t like most of the people. Guys in particular and girls, some. Then on my way home, I find that people are just passing objects. I guess this could be the reason why I do not have the motivation to use some form of external help to find a partner though I wish to have someone by my side. I am afraid even courtship is too much work for me. Shouldn’t it be just mutual without any sort of mind games and besting one another? I mean that as in the beginning of the relationship. Of course I know building and maintaining a relationship is another thing altogether.

I am asking myself now why some friendships are everlasting but some we just can’t spare energy to maintain. Is finding similarities such as liking for same music and same brands from the onset the best way? It may not be actually because I feel like I conformed to be more similar to my friend over time and it is still strange why it happened. While it is not a bad thing because I am enjoying the similar things we shared, I am just wondering if there would be a day when I question myself for the decisions I make. In the end against really close friends, will I still have my own stand?

Before I end, I apologize if what I have written above is convoluted, but it is the best of the mess going on in my brain right now. It seems like I am grumbling both when a relationship is ideal and when it is not. On a side note, I have been trying to get myself to turn in before 12 midnight every night. But somehow I find more satisfaction depositing my thoughts here before anything else. I guess it is a form of reprieve.

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