Sir, if you knew you were going to sweat this much, you should’ve brought your own towel.
Your grunting is throwing some of the other participants off their stride.
You clearly didn’t hydrate properly beforehand.
That’s not included in the annual fee.
Did you not see the list of suitable clothing options suggested in my introductory email?
Please remember to wipe the seat down when you’re done.
Your diet really isn’t conducive to adequate performance.
No, I will not change the music; you know I can only perform to Destiny’s Child.
Your warm-up routine leaves a lot to be desired.
When I heard the cruel scraping of a fully-laden suitcase being dragged across the floor, I knew. When the sound of the front door slamming with grim finality rattled the house, I prayed. I prayed that Maude had made the right decision. I prayed that she hadn’t fallen into the clutches of that depraved, lycra-clad siren, Gus her yoga teacher, when any fool with half a brain could tell you that she should’ve run away with her squash coach: the dreamy, Mr. Edwards.
When I used to collect Maude from yoga, even just a glimpse of this Gus character through…
Dear Valued Customer,
Thank you for purchasing iCreamosil, our new rejuvenating eye-cream! We’re thrilled that you’ve chosen our product to accompany you on your journey to having fresher, healthier, eye-skin. Though under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you let iCreamosil come into contact with your eye itself.
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Ageing isn’t fun. But just a dab of…
Dear valued mailing list subscriber,
We have the chance to build something great. Though the election may have been stolen from us, that does not mean that future visitors to Trump’s proposed multi-billion dollar presidential library omniplex should have their chance to ride on a sick, 1,000ft water-slide stolen from them!
We stand on the cusp of history. We have plans. Big plans. And in order to provide our, now sadly former, Commander-in-Chief with the sprawling, Trump Mega-MAGA Presidential Book Shack deserving of his legacy, we need money. Your money.
So what better way to drown the sorrows brought on…
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Dear Führer and Reichschancellor,
Thank you for your letter expressing interest in holding your upcoming rally here with us in Nuremberg Zipline Fields Co., Nuremberg’s foremost indoor adventure centre. We commend you for choosing to support a small local business, rather than being lured by the far more capacious outdoor venue nearby, the Nuremberg Zeppelin Fields.
While our small family business has little experience of hosting multi-day rallies for several hundred thousand people, we will do everything we can to facilitate your event. We have no doubt that the lessons learned from hosting a smattering of children’s birthday parties and…
08/12/2036 UPDATE: Greetings fellow denier! We’re thrilled to announce the Phoenix Convention Center as the new venue for the Climate-Change Deniers Annual General Meeting 2037. We know that many of you were disappointed by the last-minute cancellation of this year’s convention, and we sincerely apologize — but what were the odds of that many tornadoes hitting at once? And in Manhattan of all places!?
We hope you’re all getting excited now that our AGM is only three months away! However, I’m sure it comes as no surprise to those of you following the news to hear that, due to the…
I, Gus Dench, am a patriot. I’m a tax-paying American. I own a Ford Bronco with a customized license plate. I’m a God-fearing Christian with six barbecues across four different properties in three states. I own nine Dobermans which have successfully competed across local, regional and national pedigree competitions. In short, I have amassed nothing short of a small empire; a small empire built by my once-lucrative career as a leading hand-shake coach. But now — unless science gets a move on with that damn vaccine — everything I’ve worked for could be ruined!
Sometimes, it takes a global pandemic…
Dr. Methuselah, I’m afraid that I come bearing bad news. The global pandemic has impacted thousands of businesses throughout the world and I’m sad to say that Evil Inc. has proved no exception.
As your chief financial advisor, I believe that if Operation Armageddon is to have any chance of succeeding, it’s imperative that we look at a corporate restructure. I know this will come as a disappointment, and that many of my predecessors have been cast into the pool of venomous sea snakes for less than this; but I beg that you, as CEO, consider some of my suggestions:
I’ll be the first to admit it: pets are better alive than dead. But it’s an inescapable fact that whether poodle or pot-belly pig, Pomeranian or a beloved parakeet, they will all one day know death’s cold embrace. Though undeniably sad, it also creates a logistical nightmare re: corporeal disposal — did you know that it’s illegal to try bury a parakeet in the grassy verge of a Walmart car-park!? On the plus side, it also presents a once-in-a-lifetime (the parakeet’s) opportunity to hoover yourself up some sweet, sweet sympathy likes on social media.
However, to truly optimize returns you…
Systematically bringing shame to the idea of writing since becoming broadly literate, circa 1998.