Facebook is the worst thing to have happened to me. Yeah that’s a slight exaggeration but apart from messenger and being able to share my writing with a lot of people, it is a black hole for all of my insecurities. Seeing acquaintances get married, start amazing new jobs and anything else seen as successful in the eyes of society is infuriating.
This is one of the pitfalls of the internet. If you want to find any information about anyone, you can probably find it even when you don’t want to find it…
Trust me, I have done a lot of late night scrolling to see what old friends and colleagues are up to.
I have never came out of it feeling better.
It sounds creepy but hear me out
I am a perfectionist.
I do not believe people when they tell me my work is good. I do not believe people when they say I look good, or any other vaguely positive thing. As much as I love handing out positive and motivational sentiments to the people in my life, when someone tries to do that for me I just shrink away from it.
I’m not the only person who trails through social media to get in-depth glimpses at other people’s perceived successes.
The average person spends at least two hours a day consuming social media content. While online comparison can be a good thing because it may motivate you to work harder and dream bigger, comparing yourself to someone else’s best day when you’re having your worst can be demotivating. Envy and resentment can be triggered from these simple scrolls which can then lead to unhealthy mental patterns and an overwhelming feeling of self-doubt.
People across the planet are looking at social media posts of fit instagram models, and rich entrepreneurs. They’re looking at these posts and finding themselves locked into the pattern of “I’m not good enough because I don’t have X or look like X”. It doesn’t even have to be an instagram model; seeing your old high school friends getting married, having successful jobs and moving into beautiful homes can be equally as unpleasant. I think it might even be worse to see real people who you know doing all these wonderful things when you feel like you’re stuck at the start line.
Your old friends and colleagues don’t want to be that person who comes online to post how badly their life is going. We all want other people to see our achievements, our best night outs and our life goals being fulfilled.
No one wants to be the person that publicly states they’ve moved back in with their parents or failed university.
These are things and events that are often associated with shame because we’re supposedly ‘behind’ everyone else — or at least we think we’re behind.
Stop now!
With the invention of social media, it is really no surprise that so many studies have been done.
A study by researchers at the University of Michigan found that people who used Facebook more often were more likely to compare themselves to others and objectified themselves. People who engaged in these destructive behaviours were more likely to suffer from poor mental health, low self-esteem, and body shame.
Another study by Bond University found that people who based their value on the opinions of others engaged in comparison on Instagram and these people also had lower self-esteem. They found a link between how much other people’s approval meant to the individual and how much these individuals compared themselves to others online.
This isn’t new
All of these behaviours did exist before the invention of social media — people did compare themselves to others even when the only mediums for learning of other people’s successes were gossip and face-to-face conversations. Social media has just enabled us to access that information immediately rather than through our parents or neighbours boasting about someone else’s success.
Comparison has always been a part of human life. Even back in Jane Austen’s time, I’m sure there were people who felt bad because unlike everyone else they knew they weren’t married yet or didn’t have a good standing in society.
It can be a good thing. Comparison is what allows us to detail what normal behaviour is and what it isn’t. Comparison lets us know where we are in the process that is life.
Psychologist Leon Festinger was one of the first to hypothesise that comparisons are used as a way of evaluating ourselves. It is thought that this need for social comparison comes from an evolutionary need to assess potential threats. Social comparison is a simple way of establishing what we are good at and what we’re not.
How do you stop the endless comparison?
Social media content is endless. There are hundreds of acquaintances you can study and analyse. If there are so many options for you to make yourself feel bad, how do you stop?
It’s a great idea to suggest people should just stop using their phones and delete all social media accounts but for so many people, social media is a way to conduct business, keep in touch with distant family and even be involved in a community.
To simply switch off is not possible for everyone.
Social media is not only a method of socialisation but it is also a marketing tool.
As a writer I am encouraged to use Facebook, Instagram and Twitter to reach new audiences. Facebook, for example, does need to be linked to a personal account (unless that’s changed in the last 3 months).
How do you stop the comparison when social media is so integrated into your life?
There are apps that can force you to log off. There are ways to whittle down your friends list and newsfeed to only show content that makes you feel engaged. You just have to take the action and sometimes it’s helpful to just mute a couple of people who you know will set off your downward spiral.
Personally I find apps which detail how much time you spend on particular sites and apps incredibly helpful because in the moment, it can feel like you’ve only been scrolling for a couple of minutes but in reality it can add up to hours.
Seeing how many hours a week I waste on social media (comparing or not) was enlightening because I knew I wanted to spend more time physically reading.
When you’re scrolling through Facebook, some helpful tips to remember are:
- This is someone’s best day: no matter what you think, social media does not tell the whole story. Someone who only posts smiling photos could be going through something they don’t want to bring online.
- Reduce your time on your personal social media: if you run a business or do social media management, you will still have to use these platforms. Aim to reduce your time spent on your personal accounts not reduce your time on social media altogether because you still need to make money.
- Force yourself to plan your days: if you work at home, you need a schedule because otherwise you can get lost on social media. Even if you don’t work at home, plan activities or even classes you want to take to better your real life rather than your online one.
- List your successes: Make a list of all the things you’ve done in your life. Looking at what we’ve achieved can be a great way to see our lives from someone else’s perspective. We’re not failures if our path in life doesn’t look exactly like everyone else…
If it gets too much, remember to switch your phone off and take a step back.
Or if you feel like it’s overwhelming, reach out for help. Contact your local mental services, or therapist, and make an appointment.
It’s okay for it to be too much. Just remember you’re not a failure.
