This Is What Happened When I Gave Up Soda
If you’re wondering whether it’s worth it, it’s not.
Pretty much the day I turned 30, suddenly I was the guy on the Tums commercial, rubbing his chest, making that face, at which point the cook hands him a bottle of Tums because he’s scaring the other customers.
Five years prior, on my 25th birthday, my metabolism called it quits. I started gaining weight, and there was no stopping it. At around the same point I switched from full sugar soda to diet soda, although at the time the bigger motivation was my teeth.
I always had a lingering suspicion that soda was causing some of my ailments, rather than my aging being the culprit. But, as I often quipped to my older, fitter brother, “If soda shaves off five years of my life, I’m OK with that, because I’d rather be happy than old. It’s not like those years between age 90 and 95 are particularly awesome anyway.”
When my family gets together for any occasion, the unspoken traditions is to send someone on a soda run practically every day. If you ask for anything less than a 44 ouncer, you’re a wuss. It used to be just a quick jaunt to the gas station, but over the past few years, soda shops have become all the rage in my hometown. I usually get a Half Diet Antifreeze, which is half Mountain Dew, half Diet Mountain Dew, with sour apple flavoring that turns it fluorescent green, hence the name. But I was mixing it up, ordering a Zero Lucy, which is Coke Zero with blackberry flavoring and raspberry puree.
I figure at this point you’re both horribly disgusted and a little bit jealous.
After my most recent Zero Lucy, I got sick. In my brain I know that it probably wasn’t the soda that made me sick, it was probably my daughter who had been throwing up all night a few nights back, but since it was the last thing I consumed before a two-day battle with a horrible stomach bug, I cursed the caffeinated sugar-free sweetness of the soda. I vowed, as soon as I get back home, away from the daily soda run, I’m quitting soda.
It has been 15 days since my last drink, and let me tell you, I feel no different. In fact, if anything, I feel worse. Physically I’m the same. I’ve had horrible heartburn over the last week, and I feel no less bloated than usual. Mentally, though? I find myself asking the question, what’s the point?
What’s the point of 10 AM if I can’t have a Coke Zero? What’s the point of treating myself to some Taco Time for lunch if I’m not taking advantage of unlimited refills on the super Coke machine? (Raspberry Coke Zero, my friends. No, it’s not good, but it makes you feel interesting.) What’s the point of working beyond 2 PM if all I have is this clear, unsweetened, non-carbonated liquid?
Oh, I had high hopes. I was going to go a whole month without soda, and I would feel so good, maybe I would never go back. I replaced the soda with a 40 oz. Hydroflask of water, which was surprisingly easy to finish during a day’s work. (I always had a goal to drink the whole thing, but when I was drinking 36 oz. of Coke Zero, I guess my body just didn’t really want more liquids.) I try to beat the afternoon sleepiness with a protein shake and a walk. When I sit down to play Halo with my friends on Thursday nights, instead of soda cans piling up, it was an empty glass of what used to be chocolate milk. (Without the bubbles to slow me down, I drink everything so fast.)
You’d think three sodas a day would be expensive, right? Still cheaper than that one protein shake I drink, because I’m clever and I only buy soda on sale. And it’s always on sale somewhere.
So there you have it: physically, mentally, economically, giving up soda just hasn’t been worth it. The only reason I’m still going is pride. I vowed to go a month, and my wife would be so disappointed in me if I gave in. This year as a resolution I decided to try something — or give up something — during each month. January would be soda. I was supposed to emerge at the end of the year, triumphantly proclaiming that I actually kept my resolutions. Giving up on my no soda goal only halfway through the month is not exactly a winning moment.
Then again, I did make it 15 days, right? And I quit Facebook. Maybe I can make that my January thing.
Coca-Cola did not sponsor this post, but there’s hope they’ll find it later and thank me with a bunch of Coke Rewards points.
