Ugh. Is anything worse than small talk? There you are, stuck at a party — one, mind you, you don’t even want to be at — when some rube comes up and starts asking you inane questions, like what have you been up to and how are you holding up after the divorce? Hold up that yapperhole, normie, because here’s a nuclear truth-bomb: I have better things to do, like play video games for sixteen hours straight while crying.
Philosophy, idiots. Have you heard of it? We could be talking about the futility of existence or how truth is fundamentally…
The last televised address of the Office of the President of the United States of America, recorded May 20th, 2027:
My fellow Americans,
I’ll keep this brief: a terrible mistake has occurred. At any moment, a wave of nuclear missiles will saturate the Eastern Seaboard, killing upwards of a hundred million people and obliterating our way of life. Even worse, I have eaten a terrifying number of cake pops, and I now feel very, very sick.
Doubtless, many of you feel panic. Despondency. Crushing awareness of your mortality. …
FROM: the.buzz.about.rob.bee@gmail.com
TO: story-submissions@gmail.com
Hello Top Medium Publication,
You may recognize me as the artisté behind groundbreaking submissions such as:
- “Hi, I’m Your Girlfriend, the Bee”
- “10 Hottest Species of Bees”
- “Harry Potter Slashfics, But With Bees”
- “God, I Want To Fuck A Bee”
- And, most recently, “Pictures of My Junk (Side-by-Side With Bees)”
You rejected all of them. Give me a chance, you worthless cowards.
You say I’m the problem. If so, why do I keep getting accepted by other top-grade Medium sites? My bylines include:
- Yellowjacket (fashion)
- Bee+ (productivity)
- Stinger (sex tips for swingers, who are also bees)
…
Most of us dream of finding our forever partner, but sometimes relationships just don’t work out. Whether because of you, or him, or famed wrestling superstar Hulk “The Super Destroyer” Hogan, they have to come to an end. That said, it’s common for good relationships to fail because we don’t notice when they’re on the ropes. With a little foresight, you can act before your boyfriend initiates a flying corkscrew takedown on your love.
If you see these signs, don’t panic! Instead, keep calm, try to reconnect, and focus on the parts of your relationship that need work, like your…
