A rant about unsolicited coaching & advice
This is a rant. I’m going to vent for this entire article. You’ve been warned.
Let’s say you’ve been going to the gym for four months. You’re working with a personal trainer and your goals are to gain strength, resilience, longevity and have more energy.
You’re noticing some strength gains and improvements to your health and quality of life. Your trainer is celebrating your early wins, but you still have a lot further to go. It’s a process, but you’re committed.
One day, a stranger hovers over you while you’re in the middle of a bench press.
“Hey, I’ve been watching you for the past few months,” he says.
“I noticed your form could be improved. I see your issue and you’re blocking yourself energetically. Here, let me show you how it’s done properly, so you can get results even faster. I’ve got a trainer you should see. He’s amazing. Here’s his website and phone number. You should also try this magic supplement and here’s my affiliate link.”
How do you feel?
I’ve received this type of unsolicited advice and coaching from several people since going public with my journey.
This is my journey
If you follow my articles, you know that I’ve chosen the path of being transparent and vulnerable, and very public, with my personal growth journey to find a life partner.
This means overcoming personal fears of being perceived as weak, desperate, sad, a complainer, self-centered, narcissistic, out of touch, woo woo, and ignorant.
Some people may think I am those things — I’m ok with it — I’m not writing for those people.
Some may think these articles are a cry for help; for someone to come and save me. I assure you, they are not.
This is an expression of what is true and present for me in this wonderful season of my life. I feel enormous gratitude for being in this journey.
Many people slide into marriage without having put much thought or consideration into type of relationship they want to create with their partner. For me, it is an incredible gift to be in a place of consciously choosing my partner (and allow myself to be chosen) and intentionally co-creating a relationship that fulfills both of us.
No matter the outcome — if I find her or if I live the rest of my life as a single man — I’m thoroughly enjoying this ride.
Who I’m writing for
I’m writing these articles for just three people:
- my future life partner and
- those who love and support me.
I’m not interested in what anyone else thinks about me.
To those who reach out to me with unsolicited advice and coaching, here is my message to you:
I got this, really.
I know exactly what I’m doing.
If something has worked for you, I’m happy for you. But that was your path, not mine.
You may even be “right” and offer very good advice. I still don’t care, because I did not consent to your coaching in the first place.
No, I don’t want to see your shaman. I already have a coach and we have a bond that has been built up over months of working together. I trust her.
I’m doing this my way.
If you think this article is all about you and something you said to me, it might be, but it’s probably not. I’ve had several people reach out to me with unsolicited coaching and advice over the past four months since my first post about my journey on Facebook.
Unless I’m paying you to coach me, or I’ve asked you directly for your opinion on something, recognize that your advice is really about you and your need to feel important — it’s not about me. It’s your shadow, being projected on me.
So if you feel the urge to reach out to me and offer me some helpful advice, please check yourself and don’t.
This is my workout and I’m sharing it with the world. I don’t need your advice on my form.
What I’m open to receiving
That being said, I am open to receive the following:
*How something I wrote moved you or caused you to have a self realization — that’s awesome! I love hearing these stories.
*You want to introduce me to a woman who is also looking for her life partner. Wonderful! I will make time to have a phone or video call with her.
*You went to a personal growth workshop/retreat/experience, or a festival, and you think I would like it too. I love getting event invitations! However, inviting me to an event is not an opening for you to then give me coaching.
And to the many of you who have celebrated me in this journey with encouraging words of love and support, I thank you. If I have asked you directly for your advice, I also thank you for your insights. This article is not about you.
Done. Rant over. We will now return to your regularly scheduled programing.