Being a “full yes” to children

Here is an update to my search for a life partner.

First of all, I want to thank the many of you who supported my vision and shared my post asking for help to find the one. I received several inquiries and I’ve learned some lessons along the way that I would like to share with you.

And for those of you reading who do not travel in “conscious” communities, I will make some references that seem foreign to you and woo woo. You’ve been warned!

In a conversation with a new friend over the weekend, I had a major revelation as to why I’m stuck and spinning my wheels in this ditch.

I recognized that even though I had said that I wanted children, I didn’t really feel it. And the Universe was delivering to me exactly what I was requesting, women who also didn’t feel it.

The desire to have children is not an intellectual decision at all. If it were, no one would be having kids. The decision comes from a deep knowing in your center — the deepest parts of your emotional core. It’s the part of you that senses no hesitation, exclaiming “FULL YES!” to the desire.

I realize now that I was not a “full yes” to children… I was a “maybe, I guess so.” So I took a week and really sat with that feeling, exploring it and listening to what my body was really telling me — spending time at the YMCA where I work out, seeing kids running around playing; observing my friends with children and how their lives have been completely transformed. I noticed what this was stirring in me.

To the question of having children — Yes, it’s inconvenient. Yes, it’s huge pain in the ass. Yes, it’s scary. Yes, I have to deal with poop and vomit in my car and on my clothes. Yes, I will watch my bank account drain. And yes, I will have no clue what I’m doing… and “FULL YES” despite the discomfort, I want ALL of that!

Having children transforms life completely — it is no longer all about me anymore. That hard truth can be very painful, and simultaneously become the source of the greatest joy in my life. That’s why I was stuck. I was making the choice about me — it’s really about the children.

The deep knowing came to me when I realized that I am not a “complete work” and I never will be. I am unfinished and that’s ok. I will always be growing, but I am enough — while being totally incomplete and, at times, utterly broken.

And in that sense of fully realizing I am enough, even with my deep flaws, I felt that well of desire open up with the depths of my emotional core. And when that feeling reached my mind and I looked at it with my thinking brain… I saw how having children will test me, challenge me, and force me to evolve into the next version of myself. And that’s when my brain became a “FULL YES” to children too.

So today, I am planting my flag firmly in the earth, declaring that I’m a “FULL YES” to children — in mind, body and spirit — and that I’m putting out a call to the Universe to the one woman who has felt the same awakening deep within her emotional core, who has absolutely ZERO doubt that this is what she wants in her life… to that woman who has taken a deep look at what is really important to her, who has intentionally created the open space, as I have done, to have this relationship with her partner and her children.

May it all be so or something even better!