The Aging Clitoris.

Relax, your clitoris never ages. Not like men’s penises. They give up the ghost by the time a guy’s twenty-one.

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Courtesy of Dreamstime

If penises grew with age, women would date older men.” G_GTom

Okay, I admit I’m trying to be intriguing here. I got a message from Nicole at Beatvibe (sex toys web). She wants me to be a distributor since my articles are so darned sexy. She may have asked everyone on P.S. I Love You, but I’m someone she figures will flog sex toys. What I know about sex toys wouldn’t impress a dog. Fortunately, Nicole isn’t asking me to be an expert (or a dog).

All I have to do is write my witty, sexy articles and wait for the orders to come flying in. I don’t know where they fly in from. Nicole’s pretty sure they will, though. I’m very excited about this. So much so, I intend to intrigue the hell out of you with stuff about the Aging Clitoris (while I rub my nipples like Fat Bastard). It’s a marketing technique, trust me on this.

Men have larger brains, but women use theirs more efficiently. Same with clitorises. They’re absolute marvels of efficiency, not to mention NEVER AGING. They’re like those computer dancing babies.

According to experts (or the few I looked up), women are way superior to men anatomically. Men have larger brains, but women use theirs more efficiently. Same with clitorises. They’re absolute marvels of efficiency, not to mention NEVER AGING. They’re like those computer dancing babies.

Penises, on the other hand, stop growing by the time we start shaving regularly. This confuses the hell out of women. They go on social media asking if men’s penises actually stop growing.

“The only things that keep growing on men,” Anonymous replied to one woman on GirlsAskGuys “are hair, nails and ears. Old men have big ears. Teens have small ears. Do the math.”

Women hide their ears along with anything else showing signs of aging. Your breasts may sag and turn to windsocks, but your clitoris never STOPS GROWING. By the time you’re thirty-two, it’ll be four times the size it was at puberty, and seven times the size when you hit menopause. Just this fact alone should have you celebrating, perhaps with The Ace of Spades 10, which Nicole assures is the “boss” of vibrators.

“I don’t understand why you can’t just think of your clitoris as a mini penis and treat it as such,” Jessica asked, drawing howls from women claiming Jessica’s just trying to make up for a botched labia operation.

So there you go, folks, all wrapped up in a nutshell. Men can grow ears like nobody’s business, but clits are way more enduring than penises. And pity the person who tries to compare the two as writer, Jessica Pin, did on Quora. Poor Jessica did her homework, including having dissected twelve clits (hopefully in a laboratory setting).

“I don’t understand why you can’t just think of your clitoris as a mini penis and treat it as such,” Jessica asked, drawing howls from women claiming Jessica’s just trying to make up for a botched labia operation.

“On the subject of her clit,” Elle Hayes said, “she’s a one trick pony.”

Jessica responded by showing a clitoris held out with tweezers. Maybe she went too far, not understanding the consequences of comparison or tweezers.

Besides, women have good reason to see clits as unique and stately. Think of the way men compare weaponry. An AK-47 is superior to an AR-15 (or it’s the reverse, I don’t know, I hate guns), or Remingtons beat Colts (unless it’s a real colt, which is just too cute for words).

If it’s all about stats, think about this: the clit has 8,000 nerve fibres, twice as many as the head of a penis. That’s real fire power, something men should think about the next time they “sling their thing.”

Just don’t mention it to any male in the penal correction system. They’ll tell you it’s a bitch if it happens in the showers (which is usually how you become someone’s bitch).

The only thing extraordinary about the penis is it acts on cue, often without being told to do so. Men are proud of this fact. Just don’t mention it to any male in the penal correction system. They’ll tell you it’s a bitch if it happens in the showers (which is usually how you become someone’s bitch).

But let’s get back to the subject at hand. Should women still be concerned about the aging clitoris? Are there signs of wear and tear? Do women grow tired of sex as they age, or do they age when they tire of sex?

The answer is neither. Clits are there if you need them. Any reduction in sexual interest isn’t the clits fault. It’s a ready-steady-go organ with the staying power of a fifth-grade masturbator.

Some concerns have arisen, however, in terms of clitoral abuse. Can using the B.O.B (battery-operated boyfriend) cause damage to the nerve endings?

Well, at 8,000 nerve fibres per square inch, I wouldn’t worry about it. You can always chill a bit. Take up golf. Go back to your vibrator when you realize golf is boring and The Ace of Spades 10 has lower speeds. But, honestly, golf is boring.

Essentially your clitoral vestibules are connected to two corpora cavernosa, which surround the vaginal walls and possibly part of Milwaukee.

If you’re still worried about your performance, think how your Hooded Lady outperforms the penis in sheer cleverness alone. Rather than being all out there like a penis (one directional at best) clits are an above-ground lookout with a veritable underground network worthy of a nuclear installation.

Essentially your clitoral vestibules are connected to two corpora cavernosa, which surround the vaginal walls and possibly part of Milwaukee.

Imagine a wig flowing down on both sides of the vagina with nerve endings. Any stimulation you give your clitoris (mechanical or otherwise) travels through this wig, causing what could be called “human fusion.”

That being the case, it’s possible there’s no difference between vaginal and clitoral orgasms. Both are part of the fusion state. If you can’t decide which is which, basically that’s what nuclear scientists go through every day. As long all reactors are firing, be glad the lights are on.

As one woman responded, “If I even tried to look for my clitoris, I’d have back pain and a stiff neck for a week.”

Another concern women have is the possible disappearance of their clitoris, often a sign of poor eyesight. As one woman responded, “If I even tried to look for my clitoris, I’d have back pain and a stiff neck for a week.”

Continual rubbing (mechanical or otherwise) can cause a type of ulceration where the hood sticks to the clitoris. Again, laying off the B.O.B for a while might be a good idea — or take up golf as I suggested earlier. It’s boring, but so’s wondering if you’ve lost your “passion jellybean.”

It’s really hard to lose your jellybean since it’s only the tip, and often just needs a rest. Men who flog themselves continually have a similar problem. This is known in male circles as “stripping your wire.” Usually it’s lack of lubrication, meaning they have to “chalk their cue more often.”

Once you’re back in fighting form, there are any number of vibrators, rabbits, rings and bullets designed to handle a recovering clitoris.

If the clitoris is just a mini penis, as Jessica Pin suggests, “chalking the cue” becomes more important as clitorises age. Using oils or herbal creams can often remedy the situation, sometimes in a matter of days.

Once you’re back in fighting form, there are any number of vibrators, rabbits, rings and bullets designed to handle a recovering clitoris. According to my research, the variety could fill the Pentagon (and probably be more useful).

Anyway, I’m still reading up on all this stuff, figuring Nicole will send me order forms any day now. I know I’m still a novice, and I hope I don’t have to understand everything about these products.

They scare the hell out of me, to tell you the truth. Anything that vibrates, buzzes or acts the least bit threatening around my penis will cause it to recede faster than a scared turtle. That’s a real problem, especially as we hit our senior years. We can rub our nipples like Fat Bastard, but we’re still dealing with a shrinker.

You women should thank your lucky stars. You’ve got the Fountain of Youth down there, a veritable nerve factory just waiting for the Luna Smart Bead with “touch-sensors that respond to your every squeeze.”

Meanwhile, there’s a Magic Bullet vibrating around my living room rug right now. I’d like to get rid of it, hopefully to someone who appreciates the dynamics, and knows how to turn it off.

I have no idea what that means — or where it goes — but you’re missing out if you don’t order one today. Meanwhile, there’s a Magic Bullet vibrating around my living room rug right now. I’d like to get rid of it, hopefully to someone who appreciates the dynamics, and knows how to turn it off.

It’ll still be vibrating when I mail it to you. I suspect the brown paper wrapper will only increase suspicions at the post office. They’ll also wonder why there isn’t a return address. I can’t accept returns. I have a postman who throws vibrating packages in the lake across the road.

Hopefully it won’t come to that. You’ll get your package, you’ll try it, love it, and all will be well (hopefully before the batteries wear out).

If it isn’t, send complaints or comments to Nichol at Beatvibe. I’m strictly regional. I’m not even sure I want to be a distributor. I sure wish that Magic Bullet thingy would stop vibrating across my rug.

I might have to take the broom to it. Either that or send it back to Nicole.

Robert Cormack is a novelist, journalist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores. Check out Skyhorse Press or Simon and Schuster for more details.

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I did a poor imitation of Don Draper for 40 years before writing my first novel. I'm currently in the final stages of a children's book. Lucky me.

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