I Hope I Didn’t Embarrass You By Shitting My Pants While We Sat Courtside At The Laker Game

I know you had your eyes on one of the Laker Girls before she vomited from the smell of my diarrhea.

Hey buddy I’m really sorry about what happened back there. I know that must’ve been humiliating sitting right beside me as poop poured out of my pant legs, pooling out all over the basketball court. I’m sure it didn’t feel great when they had to take a TV timeout to clean up the court and all our favorite players had their jerseys over their nose and mouth to shield themselves from the smell but I don’t know. Maybe you brushed it off.

My face is still warm thinking about everyone in the arena booing me for interrupting a crucial moment in the game and I think you were caught in the crossfire as well seeing that you were sitting right next to me. I wasn’t so comfortable with myself when I witnessed everyone sitting on our side of the court clear out from the smell, leaving us to sit in our shame completely alone with rows of empty chairs around us.

They took no time to flee the area in a group that included Jack Nicholson, Leonardo DiCaprio, Denzel Washington, and my high school celebrity crush Charlize Theron. For some reason, the hardest thing to live down was when I met…