Congratu-freaking-lations everyone! As of this very second ticking away from our closely monitored atomic clock, it has been an unprecedented 24 hours without a major global accident! And before you reread that, yep, you read that right the first time! But go ahead anyways, won’t make it any less astounding. And after you’re done, please continue on with the rest. This moment may be brief.
It’s true people, there’s not been a single accident or large-scale nuclear reactor explosion that eliminates more than fifteen people and their horribly malformed heirs off the face of the earth like divine intervention from…
Hey there, sorry to bother you. It’s me, your five foot two, 100 lb. female friend. I was just walking around downtown alone tonight and this guy started following me so I thought I’d text you just in case. And by “just in case” I mean just in case he brutally murders and dismembers me in an alley.
So if you don’t hear from me in a few minutes or so, don’t hesitate to call the…well…the, uh…no not them…DEFINITELY not them…hm…let me think about this.
In the meantime, have a great night! Might have an interesting one on my hands…
Helen Keller — the girl born deaf, dumb, and blind — is now a wise, old woman at the end of an incredibly accomplished life. She spends her final years going to the park. For most excursions, she insists on managing on her own somehow. But at the park the birds target Helen in particular thinking she is a statue they can perch on and defecate all over, so she requires two nurses — one for seeing and one for hearing.
Helen enjoys the calm breeze. Any day now she may take her last breath, her soul belonging to the…
You look like you’re entering the priesthood with your straight hair.
You look like you’ve been drafted into a war with that hair.
You look like the grooves of a comb would fit perfectly on top of your head.
You look like a broken chia pet.
You look like your hair is marching in a single file line to the top of your forehead.
You look like the wind would not deter your hair.
You look like the air force.
You look like your hair looks the same wet as it does dry.
You look like you’d have easy showers.
Ahhhh, I can see it now.
11:00 AM Thanksgiving Day: You wake from a dream where you were a turkey pardoned by the President (Obama). While writing it down in your dream journal, you remember another dream where a respiratory virus spread across the world killing hundreds of thousands, including your annoying relatives who visit every Thanksgiving. Wait a second. You pinch yourself but you’re already awake. A dream come true.
You set down the dream journal next to your nightmare journal, which is gathering dust.
11:01 AM — 4:29 PM: You don’t move at all. No one’s around to…
You really want to know where? Oh, I’ll tell you where.
First, head south on You’re A Drunkenly-Conceived Disposable Dipshit Drive and turn left on Because You’re A Bastard Whose Bidet-Drinking Bloodline Is Full Of Bullshit Bitches Boulevard. Then take a slight right turn on Also, You’re An Absolute Aesthetically Abnormal, Awkward, Acupuncture Needle-Licking, Antidisestablishmentarian Asshat And That’s Just The A’s Avenue. Can’t miss it.
At the third stop sign, turn right onto Make No Mistake Motherfucker, You’re The Titular Toolbag Responsible For These Road Names You Tone Deaf Twat Terrace which should take you all the way to the…
Well, I thought I done seen everything there is to see in this town here. But never did I ever see a woman come into the station like the way you done today. Rolled in with the wind just as the door was closing behind the gypsy I turned loose. Bounced off them walls and chairs and came to a stop right in front of me after nearly getting yourself stuck between them jail bars.
I didn’t believe that daughter of a gypsy havin’ mother when she read my fortune but I’m starting to. …
Kenyan long-distance runner Eliud Kipchoge set the world record for fastest marathon time at 2 hours 1 minute and 39 seconds, a margin unsurpassed in over 50 years of running history in 2018’s Berlin Marathon.
The same year, I steered with my knees for over 26.2 miles on a car trip to the Big Mac Museum in central Pennsylvania. Took me about a half hour, forty minutes tops. I didn’t have the luxury of those paper cups of water either.
The following year in Vienna, Kipchoge took the running world by storm, reaching the finish line in under 2 hours…