THE DAY I DIED
As the searing pain ripped through my chest for the third time I thought to myself, “Oh my God, I’m having a heart attack! I’m dying and it’s absolutely beautiful!” In an instant my body had become filled with a power ten thousand times stronger than my fear of death. It was love. Unbounded love and a presence, a consciousness that was holding me. Though I was dying there on the side of that mountain I had nothing to fear and I wasn’t alone. I was being held by this energy. The love was so strong that I knew one more ounce of it, just a tiny increase in its intensity and I would be turned to ash. If this was my death, then it was the most wonderful, ecstatic and joyful thing that could ever happen to me. So I let go completely and when I did, the joy, ecstasy and bliss enveloped me. It took over and I was immersed in it, then I became it and then I was gone. All thoughts, all fear, all questions, all doubt, everything had been removed. I had been erased and there was nothing left but this ecstatic, joyful energy ripping through me at the speed of light. In this equation there was no room for Robert, for thoughts or a thinker; there was only this energy coursing through a vehicle and this energy was everything and nothing. I was everything and nothing. I was home and the ride was over. I understood everything that I had ever wanted to understand. I was complete. I was a witness to the secrets of the universe.
I remained in this state for a long time. I have no idea how long, it could have been minutes or hours, time had ceased to be. I was in this fire and this fire was burning away all my fear and all my past. The energy was cleansing me, healing me and reshaping my mind and heart. I vibrated with this until it subsided a bit, then I could do nothing but fall to the ground and sob at how beautiful everything was. The trees, the mountain, my dog, Arlo, my hands, the sky; everything was alive and bursting with this same energy.
After this moment I spent many months popping in and out of bliss, ecstasy, love and presence. You may think, how amazing, how wonderful to have such a thing happen to you in your life, what a gift. But I was changed forever that day. I lost myself, I lost my purpose, I lost my dreams and my desires. I lost my identity with myself and my story. Most of my story of me had been deleted and there was
no way to recover this lost data. It’s true to this day that when the conduit is open and there is no thought, the love just surges through me and all is bliss.
I realized that there still remained a habit to get caught up in thoughts and thinking. I would catch myself after wondering why this happened to me and what I was supposed to be doing with this information. My mind would say, “What does it all mean?” and “What am I to do?” What had been so important in my life prior to this, my dreams, my plans, my desires; they all paled in comparison to what had transpired on my mountain. How could anything ever be as amazing as that connection? I knew that no matter what I created, accomplished or experienced in my life, nothing could ever top that moment, nothing could ever hold a candle to my death on that mountain.
So now what? What do I do with my life? I had no idea. For the days that remained on the mountain, I was still deeply connected to the Source. I would sit daily and just resonate with it, being filled by its love and healing. Most times I would just lose myself in it and bask in the warm glow. During one of these moments I got an idea. I thought I would ask this Source a question, so I did. I said, “How do I remain forever in this energy” Now what happened next I wouldn’t say was really a voice. I felt this, more than I heard it, “Tell people about what happened to you, tell them what we truly are. That we are love and we are everything, that we are connected and that we should love one another. To remain always a conduit for this energy, lose the me, mine and I and serve people.” Previous to this I had had a dream to be an artist and a musician. I had worked my whole life at dead end jobs to support my career as an artist and entertainer. I would never have imagined I would hear a voice and have a near death experience, let alone tell the whole world we are love, but here it is. I’m telling you and I’m serving you because this is the only thing that makes sense to me anymore. Nothing else matters but to share this journey with you. This walk of discovery has been long and difficult and I’ve searched far and wide to get some answers about what happened to me that day and why. Then one day I finally realized that no one can answer those questions but me and the only thing to do is do it. Live life and share this message. I’ve worked hard to learn how to quiet my mind to be a conduit for this energy and my only purpose is to share that healing and guidance with you. So here is my story and I’m honored and humbled to share it with you.