It’s That Time of The Year! Here Are The Tufts Essays That Worked

Tufts has just released snippets from Essays That Worked, so high school students whose dreams have just been shattered can read about the idiosyncratic freaks that will be calling Medford home for the next four years.

The admissions committee would like to begin by welcoming Abimbola, a “mischievous narcissist from Angola who slow dances to white noise and reads long books”.

And talk about campus diversity, take a look at the “bubbly 8-foot tall gender neutral linebacker from Minnesota”; her name is Steve.

Julie, who plans to major in “something super quirky”, is “an effervescent Colbie Caillat look-alike with webbed feet” ; she hates Taylor Swift (don’t we all!!!) and believes vowels are counterproductive.

Keith, a one-legged orphan with a portable dialysis machine eats Rubik’s cubes for breakfast and donates pieces of his liver to white people with end stage renal disease.

And say Hi to Sassandra, a philosophy buff who translates Schopenhauer into Sanskrit when she’s feeling tense (sooo sooo very Tuftsy!).

Bless the roommate of the vindictive bull-rider from Texas who makes “belligerent cupcakes for the hell of it” (Yum!! The admissions committee was aghast at his insolence!!).

Then there’s Jason, who has known that Tufts was “home” for just about forever and told us all about the real-live elephants that have grazed in his backyard since he was but a lil’ tiny gamete; another obscenely-creative swear word inventor, he already has similarly-concerning friends on campus.

But let’s introduce Jason’s real-live Jumbos to the first three non-humans that that will be calling Tufts home next year--three giraffes from sub-Saharan Africa (pound sand Harvard admissions people!!).

There’s Melissa from Spain who “never talks about her vayjayjay with people she doesn’t know”; she tells us she’s a “recrudescent freethinker who refuses to comply with dictionaries” (You go girl!).

Richard from Connecticut is the son of a greedy patent troll who’s done “very well and can prove it” (Hi Dad! Please call the Alumni Office ASAP!!).

One lucky child’s mother screamed the entirety of Strunk & White’s Elements of Style into her in the womb on a nightly basis; she likes grammar, her name is Katie and she is tattooed with five-syllable words and unicorns, “the two most wonderful things in the universe” (We love words and unicorns too Katie!! So so much!).

We also have a dolphin, a Goldendoodle, three corpses and five Roman Gladiators joining us next year.

And don’t be frightened if you see Sheila, “a downright hideous arch-conservative nuclear physicist who likes poetry and well-marbled steak”; friendless, Sheila says she reads Wordsworth to rocks.

You may see Glenn hunched over as he strolls past Bendetson Hall; he’s weighed down by a self-sustaining nuclear reactor in his backpack that provides light and power to over 1,000 motherless babies who live in an undisclosed Kentucky ghetto; a straight-A student who likes fishing and Shakespeare, Glenn also sings a capella, nude, on the street corner with a band of undocumented Russians.

Amelia, a Norse Goddess with a “highly-sexed aphrodisiac lisp” and “a scepter made of real lightning” likes to spit on strangers; she was voted “Most Likely To Be Condescending” (Don’t spit on us Amelia — we hate Jotnar too!!!).

If you’re a pro-life enthusiast you might want to avoid Sarah unless you’re a guy; the daughter of a disgraced hedge fund manager who was voted “Most Likely to Have Another Abortion”, Sarah describes herself as a promiscuous but exceptional standardized test taker. Sarah likes math also.

And if you stop by Tisch and you’re feeling gender inquisitive (who at Tufts isn’t!!!), say hello to Arthur; he’s interested in electrosex, breast-feeding, gender-swappers and pseudo hermaphrodites; an asthmatic virgin who likes wet nurses, Arthur is also very shy (Aaaahhhh, it won’t be long Art!).

Finally, in the interest of adding to the demographic mix that defines Tufts, we are excited to announce that the Class of 2021 includes our first self-described Pharisee, our third Pope (a Medici) and a self-described hoodlum who claims to have grown up on the “corner of west hell”; indeed, all Tuftsies are Naughty by Nature!

Welcome to the Tufts Class of 2021! Take a seat and enjoy the ride. The student sitting next to you is even weirder.

As for you Class of 2022 wannabees, this year Tufts’ supplemental essay questions are being modified to reflect the admissions department’s quest for an even more diverse smorgasbord of bookworms. In order to provide you with an opportunity to get a leg up on your competitors, here they are:

1. Using only adverbs and compound words, describe something about your childhood or your mother that you think is bizarre, fanciful and reasonably believable.

2. Identify an inherited genetic mutation that resulted in some perverse academic or artistic fetish or discuss your plans to have such a mutation injected into your personal genome. Send us a DNA sample.

3. Tell us why Harvard sucks.

4. Tell us where your favorite alps are (France, Switzerland, etc). If you have no favorite alps it’s because you were vacationing on a private island in the Caribbean — tell us where the island is located. Alternatively, tell us how many miles are on your Dad’s Lamborghini Huracan.

5. Let your life speak by writing sentences using only your thesaurus and pepper the sentences with hilarious stuff you’ve read on Reddit that you feel you are rightfully entitled to copyright over, even if you aren’t . Don’t be constrained by reality. If you think you’re a “vulgar mathematician with refractory anorexia” and “Cauchy–Riemann equations makes your thighs tingle”, tell us — we have just the right roommate.

6. Tell us how quirky we are. Tell us your favorite synonym for quirky and use it in a sentence describing yourself.

8. If you’re not smart, tell us how fast you can run.

9. Tell us who your dumb friends are so we can persuade them to apply and increase our yield rate.

Good LUCK!