The ‘old age’ way of doing ‘new age’ things
There once was a time when your mate was predetermined through factors beyond your control, outside of your influence and dictated by two patriarchs. Even though it was destined to happen, things were decided long in advance between you and your significant other…that was…err…chosen in advance.
Then things slowly shifted to ‘Boy meets girl. Boy asks girl out. Boy and girl kiss. Boy and girl get married.’ Still, something of an older and traditional way of doing things, where the early part of the relationship was still under the watchful eye of the parents.
Then came the age of free love and exploration. The sexes were free to be equal (something that was intrinsic since the dawn of time TBH) and free to co-mingle and discover and learn about one another.
But somewhere along the way…right after all of this, we stamped down on the accelerator pedal and no one has really looked back.
I remember it was in the early 00’s that I came across ‘Plenty of Fish’ (POF). It was the first real dating website that I encountered and pre-dated ‘Lava Life’ and ‘Christian Mingle’ and ‘J-Date’ and even ‘Ashley Madison’.
Something about it in my mind felt pathetic. Here I was, looking for a date online, when for millennia, it had been done the ‘old fashioned way’. Pretty much as I described above. What happened to good old fashioned interaction? The sad but true thing was that with POF, everyone on it at the time, almost felt the same way; we were outcasts doing something totally outside of the norm.
We’ve of course evolved a long way from those early days, as people realized that they could DEFINITELY monetize the business of finding love. And when I say evolve, I really mean, ‘Changed the entire dynamic.’
I feel that at 39, I’ve got the right to state that I’m sitting at an interesting epoch between being old enough to relate to that old school way of relationships and connect to the new school way of relationshopping.
Take this story for example:
I have several hard and fast rules that I’ve developed because of online dating.
- Photos — you need photos. This isn’t a guessing game. This isn’t time for uncertainty. It’s a 2D platform and you want to meet in 3D. Well then my dear…photos. Full body, you doing normal things, kinda photos.
- A profile with substance. If you can’t be bothered with filling out details, or you insist that everyone just ‘Ask me’, since you can’t be bothered and will ‘Fill this part out later’, I have all I need to skip over your profile. I just wish there was an easy way to delete it, since you’re taking up hard drive space somewhere.
- Honesty about yourself in your profile.
Point in case…
…if you say that you’re athletic, but have a body type akin to Adele…we’ve got a problem. Which is sorta what I ran into last week, where the other person only had a couple of head shots, but insisted that they had an ‘Athletic’ body type.
Just because you GO to a gym, doesn’t make you ‘Athletic’.
But I did glean the next part of my story, from this first (and last date.) How I can relate to the new age of dating, but really do long for…shall I say it, a more simpler time.
The story went something like this; my date was at a friends condo and a mutual friend of the two girls (through sheer boredom or habit) was using Tinder to occupy her time. In doing so, found a dude she wanted to fuck…who also happened to be nearby…and then invited said random to her friends condo, with which to perform coitus in her friends condo washroom and then her bedroom.
Let that sink in…
If you found absolutely no problem with that, the door is to your left. We have some lovely parting gifts for you…
For the rest of us, who are still trying to register WTF just happened there and have a small litany of ‘problems’ with that scenario…let me tickle your fancy a bit more.
I was DJing a couple of months ago and I ended up chatting with these two girls. After deflecting a guy that had been pretty much offside with the one I had been chatting with (think borderline sexual harassment and unwanted touching) the one friend left me with the first girl, hopefully assuming that I was a decent guy (which I am) and seemed trustworthy (also true.)
After wrapping up my night, the friend and I left the bar together and went back to her car. Where I told her that I would be happy to drive her home (in my car)and I’d go home from there, and she could come back the next day in a taxi, or I would drive back up to her place, to get her car, this way I knew she got home safe and sound.
Her better idea was to have me drive her home in her car and then sleep over and then we’d come back the next morning.
Full disclosure for a second;
- She was drunk.
- She had just met me.
- I don’t like putting myself in compromising situations.
- She was in no condition to be making ANY decisions.
Look, I’m like every other red blooded male out there, but I also do know when and when it’s not time do act on impulse.
For the record, I did drive her home in her car. 1/2 way to her place, I made the uncomfortable statement to her that I had no intentions of sleeping with her and was cool with a couch, the floor or a chair. Fact of the matter is that had I wanted to, I could have fucked her that night; would I be proud of myself the next morning? I dunno, depends on if she decided to charge me with rape or assault or came to her senses that a dude she barely knew and had just met, was driving HER car home to HER house and was going to sleep in HER bed.
Truth of the matter, she did realize that fact once we got back to her place, and I offered again to sleep on the floor, above the covers or pretty much anything that would put her at ease…since well…ya know ‘STRANGER DANGER!!!’
That night I ended up with a face full of her hair, an awkward boner and a numb arm as we spooned uncomfortably in her little double bed.
Ladies, remember, when you guys spoons you all night long, it’s true love…and all of the above in the previous statement.
The next morning, I drove back with her to go get my car and to be honest, tried to break the uncomfortable silence and set up a proper first date since she ‘Really wanted to see me again…but felt so embarrassed by what happened’.
So my response to her, being the noble guy that I am was to say…hey, last night doesn’t count in my books. I’d really want to go out, get to know the real person behind everything and I’ll just chalk last night up to a good story to share down the road.
Yeah, that went nowhere. Leaving me to think…maybe I should have just dropped my old school way of thinking of relationships and be a part of the new age way of relationshopping.
But I don’t want to do that and I think for a lot of people reading this, you may agree.
Today there is ‘Meet me’ on POF, a similar tool on Match.com, Tinder, Bumble and really a whole list of other apps and tools, all designed to get as many potential faces in front of you. To hell with what you wrote or your profile, we’re ‘Relationshopping’ right now. It’s a numbers game and time is the enemy!
Then these are the very same people wondering and complaining about how hollow things are with dating, how shallow women are, how flaky and non-committal guys are. People are literally swishing around the same water in the pool; it’s disgusting.
So much so, that I’ve made it a point to pretty much ditch all of these ‘tools’ and revert to my old age roots; getting to know the person and bucking the trend of just fucking. *you heard it here first folks!!*
I’m curious to hear your stories and thoughts, both from the folks that are in a relationship and those trying to get into one, and even including those who really don’t want a relationship…and disagree with my approach.
This ought to be interesting…