I’m sorry to read about your loss and grief. I would like to recommend you consider being with other persons who understand this unique grief.
Some churches and mental health groups offer a local support group for survivors. You may wish to check out programs of prevention and grief support offered by this national organization: American Foundation for Suicide Prevention It has state and local affiliates. I participated in its autumn suicide prevention walk for the first time this year.
I know that some people (including a friend of mine) prefer not to go to a suicide support group. In that case, I highly recommend reading Healing after the Suicide of a Loved One. It is written by Ann Smolin, C. S. Smolin and John Guinan, Ph. D.. You may better understand your feelings and society’s attitudes towards suicide and surviving family.
You may wish to read Night Falls Fast — Understanding Suicide by Kay Redfield Jamison, an award winning author who has bipolar disorder (formerly described as manic depression). She teaches at John Hopkins School of Mediine and is co-author of the encyclopedic Manic Depressive Illness.
My maternal grandmother committed suicide before I was born, leaving four children ages eleven through sixteen without a mother. So I never experienced your loss. At that time, the Catholic Church forbade a funeral mass service for her. That added to the family’s grief and shame.
However, as a founder of a local support group for persons with depression, I’ve experienced the loss of several friends. And the relief of saving three lives by using our personal relationship to bring them to the emergency room and to be present to them in their darkest moments.
May you find healing and overcome survivor’s guilt. May you join with others who are concerned about the rising incidence of depression by elderly men.