This isn’t a goodbye letter. I promise that it’s not. But please don’t try to find me.

Writing this helps me. It lets something out that I’ve been holding in for so long. And I hope that maybe it can help someone else out there too. But it’s something that I can’t do if anyone knows who I am, because there are people it could hurt.
There’s a story I have to tell…
In May of 2015, I turned 34. It’s the same day I realized I was falling for someone…
There was a girl I worked with that always had this ability to make me smile. It had been almost a year since we were both hired into the school district, to help make things better. We worked in the technology department, and even though she had just finished college before she started, she was always finding the most creative ideas for fixing problems, and working with what we had.
At home, Kirsten had two boys that she loved to talk about every day. One of them was book smart and reminded me a bit of myself. Jacob was great at math and science, and he was already getting college credit, even in his junior year. Her youngest was a bit of a troublemaker, but Aaron had a great heart, and he loved being adventurous.
When my birthday came that year, I was looking at my life, and I realized that maybe Kirsten was the one. I didn’t do anything right away, but I knew I wanted to show her how I felt.
A week or two later, she mentioned trouble that she was having with the kids’ phones and how she wished she could keep in touch with them with something like FaceTime. iPhones were way too expensive though, not to mention the contract.
So, I did what guys tend to do when they have feelings for someone. I went a little overboard.
Later that week, I asked her to meet me at the AT&T store after work. After she picked out a plan and the phones she wanted for her and her boys, I asked them if they could charge it to my credit card every month, even though it would be in her name. Kirsten asked me if I was sure, and I said yes. It felt good to do, and even better to see her smile. I went home that night happier than I’d felt in a long time.
Not too long after that, I wanted to surprise her again, so I sent her a text and told her I couldn’t say why, but I was wondering if she could send me her kids’ birthdays. Money was a little tight after the iPhones, but I had just enough for one more splurge. I wanted to make it count.
The next day, a few people from work were all meeting downtown for a big event, and Kirsten was bringing Aaron along. My house happened to be right near where everyone was going, so when she texted that she had just gotten there, I managed to pull her and Aaron aside for a minute before we met up with everyone else. In the envelope I gave her were two season tickets to an amusement park nearby, one for Aaron and one for Jacob. It was something she had talked about wanting to do for them, but that would have to wait for the next year so she could save the money. I wasn’t sure if she would want them to know the tickets were from me, so I told her she didn’t have to open it right then. Curiosity won out though, and she had to take a peek.
“Robert!” She gave me a look. Half mock anger, and half smiling. I couldn’t help but smile and blush a little too. Aaron had to know what was going on. She handed the tickets to him and told him to take a look. His next words, I’ll never forget.
“You should marry my mom.”
It caught me off guard. I think I almost lost my step. We’d never even dated, but in that instant, I knew it was what I wanted too.
I couldn’t get the words out, to come up with the right thing to say. Kirsten saved me from my stumbling and said “That’s Aaron for you… always trying to marry me off.” She laughed a little.
A few days later, I started to write her a letter, to tell her how I felt.
Fate gave me a chance to give it to her, right as I finished. She came into my office in the middle of a hard day, full of working in hot school buildings, and she asked if she could borrow it for a few minutes, just to get a moment of peace. She needed a breather. I pulled up the letter on my screen while she stood on the other side, and made her name the largest font I could, so there was no way she could miss it. That’s when I got up and told her to take a seat and take all the time she needed. As I walked out, I turned around, and saw her face as she realized the message was to her. Right when she opened her mouth to say something, I smiled and closed the door, to give her some time alone to read it.
She wrote me back.
Kirsten said that she had to think, but it wasn’t a no. That’s all I needed. I smiled as I read it, and I hoped for the maybe.
Every part of it felt like it might just be the start of a real-life love story…
And then it all crashed down.
The 4th of July was coming up, and I was looking forward to it more than any year I ever had. Kirsten was having a party, with her family, and with anyone who wanted to come from work. Everyone else on the tech team was busy already, but I couldn’t wait. I knew there was a gift I wanted to give her too, to celebrate something that had just happened.
But before July could come, the school district had a conference they wanted me to go to, down in Atlanta. I’d be leaving on the 29th and returning on July 3rd. It would be a plane trip… the first I’d been on in almost 20 years. And I had this horrible feeling that something was going to go wrong. I never used to be scared to fly, but somehow this time felt different. The last time I had flown was before 9/11, and I wondered if maybe that had something to do with it. But terrorism didn’t feel like it was what I was scared of. There was just this ominous feeling in me that the plane was never going to make it… and that I’d never be coming back.
Kirsten helped talk me down. She told me it was all going to be okay. I didn’t need to worry like I was.
And sure enough, the plane made it, without any trouble. I didn’t know why so much dread had been there, or why I panicked so much, but I was glad again when the plane touched down for a second time on the 3rd, when I came home.
The 4th of July started out great. It was on a Saturday that year. I cheated and stopped by the grocery store for my dish to pass, and I got my gift ready for Kirsten, for when I had a moment to talk to her. It was small, so it would be easy to surprise her with, without everyone having to see.
My family lived far away, and making friends has never been easy for me. I’ve always been a little too shy. So it was really nice to be able to celebrate the holiday with someone else, and I was looking forward to it quite a bit.
When the afternoon came, I got there early. Aaron was hanging out with his friend Gavin, and Kirsten was working on getting ready. I helped out as much as I could, but honestly, I probably did more of just getting in the way. Cooking and preparing for parties weren’t exactly my strong suites.
That was okay though. I was just happy to be there.
Kirsten’s family had lots of questions about work and what kinds of things I did. There was a lot of small talk too, and I got to know them all a little better. Aaron was trying to fix an old bike, with Kirsten’s sister’s boyfriend trying to lend his strength. Afternoon turned into night, and things were going pretty well.
But as it got closer to time for the fireworks, a strange thing happened, and Kirsten started to try to wrap up the night early. She said she wasn’t up for staying up much later. I was confused and worried that maybe I had done something or said something wrong, even though I had no idea what it might be.
I lingered a bit as family started heading home, and I asked Kirsten if I could talk to her for just a minute before I left. I wasn’t sure if it was bad timing or good timing, but I wanted to give her the gift I brought. The necklace had stones of amethyst and a subtle heart shape to it… not an obvious one, but it was there if you looked for it. Purple was the color that they made our schedules at the school district when we got assigned permanently, and Kirsten had just had the school board ask for her to become official. What I wanted to say… the words I stumbled over… was that she had made a permanent mark on me too.
As I finally got the words out, she thanked me, but she still had to call it a night. And I worried about pushing too hard.
The next day, in the afternoon, she sent me a long text. She said she had thought a lot about it, but that being any more than just friends was too complicated with us working together. It hit me hard, and it made me sad, but I understood and I told her. Beyond anything, it was nice to have a friend, and I knew that my days would still be brighter, getting to work with her.
A little later, I found out that what happened at the party wasn’t at all about me. Aaron’s girlfriend had broken up with him over the phone, and he was feeling heartbroken. Kirsten wanted to be there for him, and she did what any loving mother would. She put him first, above everything.
Putting her kids first was part of what made her really amazing, and that’s why the news that came next was a little more heartbreaking.
Kirsten’s mom was diagnosed with cancer. She had fought it before, but it came back, and her grandkids might not get to see another holiday with her, with how far it had progressed.
Aaron’s birthday was coming up in the middle of the month, and I told Kirsten she should take it off, so that she could spend the whole day with her mom and Aaron and Jacob to celebrate it together, so that they could have that time with each other and take advantage of every second. It was summer, and we could cover her at work. This was a lot more important than fixing iPads ever could be.
Kirsten was reluctant. She said she could just celebrate on the weekend, but she decided to do it and take the extra time. I gave her a check to help make Aaron’s birthday a little extra special, since I knew she didn’t have much to spare, and later that day she came to ask what I thought she should get him. She was stuck between a new pair of shoes and a bike. I had to go with the bike, because I know it’s what I would have wanted.
She sent me a picture when she got it. Black and red and extra fast looking… it was perfect for a fifteen year old. I couldn’t help but smile.
Aaron had a great birthday, and Kirsten sent a picture of the two of them smiling in her car together. The joy on his face was plain as day to see.
As the end of July approached, I wanted to do something special. It had been a year since Kirsten and I joined the district, and I wanted the whole team to get to celebrate a year working together, and everything we had been able to do.
Buffalo Wild Wings seemed like the place. It was halfway home for almost everybody, and more importantly, they served drinks.
Just as we started walking through the door, Kirsten got a strange message on Instagram that she couldn’t figure out, asking about her son. She brushed it off though, and we all grabbed a table. Drinks came first (the most important part of course), and then we ordered food. While we waited, I started to say just how glad I was to be part of the team we were on, and I couldn’t help but look at all we had accomplished in just a year. The district’s computers and the network were all running a lot better than they had when we first started, and it was thanks to the work everyone had done.
The food showed up while I was babbling, but then Kirsten started to get more messages. It seemed like something had happened, but no one would say what. She was worried about Jacob. He had gotten a motorcycle the week before, after he’d saved for it all summer. Like any parent, it made her worry sick, but she had been proud of him for working so hard for it.
Jacob texted and asked where she was. She told him, but then he stopped answering back. Her neighbor, the one that messaged before from Instagram, told her she should call her son. Kirsten kept trying both of them, but there was no answer at all. I told her she should go if she needed to. Her sons were way more important than dinner. She shook her head and didn’t want to go. All of us were still hoping it was nothing.
Kirsten begged and begged her neighbor to tell her what was going on. She told her that her sons wouldn’t answer. And then, after a few minutes, she got a message. Her neighbor said that she was friends with a state trooper, and that she just heard that Kirsten’s son had committed suicide. He had ridden his bike into traffic.
I told Kirsten “Go!” Praying to myself it wasn’t true. She got up and paid for her dinner. I went and paid for the rest of the table and ran out behind her. I told her she should let me drive her, but she was already getting in her car. My truck was right there, and I got in faster than I ever had before, following as fast as I could to catch up. Another co-worker followed behind me too.
As we turned on the ramp to the highway, I saw the flashing lights behind us. I pulled over, and Kirsten pulled over in front of me too. I was sure we were speeding, but I knew she had to see about her son, so she could know he was okay. I jumped out and held my hands up, walking slowly towards the police car behind me. “You’ve got to let her go. Please let her go. She just heard something terrible about her son.”
The state trooper got out and said “We know.” It was why they were there. A whole string of other police cars were there behind him as I looked back.
They came up to Kirsten, and then Jacob stepped out of one of the cars too. He said “Mom, it was an accident!”
One of the troopers introduced the chaplain that was with them, and then the chaplain's words came. “I’m so sorry…” Aaron was gone.
Kirsten collapsed right in front of me.
I watched a part of her die, on the side of the road.
Aaron didn’t kill himself. That part was wrong. He had been crossing an intersection and waited until the traffic had cleared to start going through, but because of the angle of the road, he couldn’t see what was coming from the other direction.
The officers followed us as Kirsten and Jacob rode back home together.
Back at her house, while we all waited for family to arrive, the sargent asked Kirsten if he could ask any questions, so that they could fill in any missing pieces.
His first question was “Could he have been wearing earphones?”
Kirsten told him that he had an iPhone, and that yeah, he wore them all the time. He loved listening to his music.
It could have been how he didn’t hear the horn.
Aaron’s brand new iPhone…
The questions went on from there. And Jacob filled in how he knew it was his brother. He was on his way home when he came across the lights and sirens, blocking the road. People were saying a young boy had been hit. Jacob asked the officers what he had been riding.
It was a red and black bicycle…
Jacob saw it, and he knew right then… it was Aaron.
He was gone because of me.
…
It’s been a little more than three years since that day, but I know that it’s one that I’ll be reliving for the rest of my life…
Even saying that though, I know that Kirsten’s pain is so much worse than mine… more than I’ll ever even have the smallest glimpse of.
There’s only a few people who know my part of the story, and why I blame myself. Almost all of them have told me I should talk to someone, but the truth is I know that this will always be with me.
You can tell me a million times this isn’t my fault… that I shouldn’t blame myself like I do. Nothing is going to change that this wouldn’t have happened without me though, and that’s the second hardest part of all. The first is watching my friend as every day it tears her up more and more.
What I can tell you though, is that as many times as I’ve thought about saying goodbye… I’m still here… still hoping I can do something good for the world.
If you read this, and it’s something you can relate to, even in the smallest of ways, I’m sorry for not having any answers for you. But I will tell you that you’re not alone… and maybe that helps.
