Haha! I fucking love you Mizzi- No need to apologize, I put things out like this to get this kind of feedback, and it’s worth it’s weight in gold coming from you.
I second that comment on what parents do- I’ve actually a way better relationship with my folks since earlier this year.
The infantilization I’ve mentioned is deeper than just the statement- They’ve made terrible choices that involved me that I’m still in the process of fixing; Like, they are legitimate crutches, and they are aware of what they’ve done as well. And they’re recent.
I need to get this out of my chest, so to speak. I never had the privilege of having someone to speak to about this without the “stop complaining” comments. I know myself well enough to understand that if I stay in silence, then it’s going to build up into bitterness and resentment that I can’t bare. I’ve seen it fuck me up before.
I did make the mistake of believing I was owed success. I also made the mistake of naivety and letting people take advantage of me a lot, and developed an extreme tendency to talk down about myself and make a fool of myself in front of people- to the point of pathologizing this clown that I was.
It was like this guilty conscious that made me want to hate myself for having anything good happen to me in my life.
Oh yeah- I’ve actually found a girl who I want to spend the rest of my life with. It’s been an absolute treat to have her in my life, and she definitely doesn’t tolerate me whining all the time, haha. : ) I’d love for you to meet her some day.
I know that the more these words come out of me, the more I can correct my speech, and eventually rework and make amends with my past. These have been painful recurring thoughts that have constantly come up over and over again, wether in my dreams, in the middle of working on something, or just walking down the street to go home.
Something, is wrong. And It just needs to come out, as messy, and as whiny as it sounds.
I want to shut it up just as much as you hate to read these! haha.
I hope someone else picks up our back and forth banter online, and learns something from these.
