Imposter Syndrome: Am I who I say I am? 4.

Photo by the lovely Jenna Hamra

I’ve had doubts. Lots of doubts. I just recently finished Mastery, by Robert Green, for the second time. I cannot begin to tell you how much that book kept me afloat during these recent dark times. Gave me everything I’ve ever needed to get started with evolving my passion. The sad part is that I had it sitting around me during all those years that I was putting myself through hell. Knowing that I wouldn’t open myself to that when it was there for me? Well, that’s a good reason why I wasn’t, and still aren’t, really happy with myself. It seems that maybe it was my poor economically unstable situation that caused me to ignore that wonderful book.

I have this deep, deep longing to truly become a master at my craft (I guess, graphic design?). Designers get a bad, terrible pick of the litter when it comes to work. These niche design firms are all wonderful, but what about the other designers? The ones who work for publications and have to churn shit out without the breathing room to develop their creative ideas? The ones who are just used as tools to develop high quality work en masse without any true meaning?

I have a longing to build deep and meaningful work. I don’t think I have found my place. I was having a discussion with a potential client. It went something like this:

Me:

“I’ve done lots of branding, digital campaign work, etc.. As of recently I completed a rebrand, developed a site, ideated and executed a social media strategy, and on my free time I’m getting into web dev and 3D

Client:

“Wow, you’re all over the place!”

I get it. It’s a simple conversation. But his words spoke volumes to me. I am all over the place. Even with this new found discipline that I have right now. Over the past few years I’ve been building music, learning to code, I just recently picked up Unity (For a brief moment; C# is fucking hard, and I haven’t been able to pick it up as easily) Got into cinema 4D (Which I use for my WetheMag Covers).

And this is exactly what I mean. I don’t necessarily have my foot down in one place. That makes me worry. It makes me doubt wether I will be able to put my foot down in one realm and truly dominate in a field that I can focus all of my spirit into. Or maybe that’s not for me? Maybe this idea of a career is just not going to be a reality for me? I think I put it into the best words I could possibly put it into…. At least at this moment (I’m educated, but not so well educated as I would want to be).

It freaks me out. Are you suppose to get that gut feeling in your stomach every time someone asks you about your profession? Or is it just something you decide? Fuck, I’m already lost at what I’m typing here with this article.

I watched an episode of Abstract with my girlfriend. We took a look at this young architect who was making these beautiful and amazing affordable housing structures, and how he evolved from a young kid with an agency with no clients, to a huge massively sought after architect. It was great. As I watched in awe, I could only imagine the shit he put himself through. What was it? Reading and work to the edge of insanity from lack of sleep? Building small models until his fingers bled? Saying yes to everyone?

I think maybe I’m in the wrong place. My environment is one that limits me from seeing the possibilities for my future. I work in front of a computer a lot. One of things I’ve asked myself; “If I move out, and find a place in Brooklyn, I’ll be the same person in front of a computer, just living alone.” So how the fuck is that really going to change when I leave?

This has been a shitty mess of an article. I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know. I feel like I’m not really living myself out to my full potential. I, feel like my hand is outstretching over to something that is so far away from me. I’m at a loss. Sometimes I feel like I’m a fake, and that my work is just all aesthetic.

Like my work has no deeper meaning, just grandiosity and pretty dripping colors. I feel like I am looking at this design world professionally from the outside, from articles and images online, instead of the war zone of the design industry, as people search to get better paying jobs and work on things they actually like.

I wonder, will I ever find the community of people I want to be a part of? Or will I just have to keep pushing the charge alone? Working in isolation and building my own skillset?

Until then.

R