Ken Bone is a Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing
America is falling for one of the greatest ruses in its history. And it’s happening right underneath our nose. Ken Bone and his mustache are bamboozling the American public. This is much worse than Hillary and her emails and definitely worse than Trump and his everything-that-comes-out-of-his-mouth.
The American public must know that Ken Bone is a fraud. He is a manipulative womanizer who wants to make you think that he is a mature, nice and sincere guy with an earnest interest in energy policy.
I wanted to believe that people like him existed in this world, but came to the conclusion that there’s no American that can put up with the complete utter political and cultural catastrophes that are unfolding in our once great nation without becoming cynical (myself included, hence the need to further investigate, duh).
I don’t want to ruin it for you America, but at this moment, he’s literally drowning in a sea of women who are vying for his attention. He is getting grabbed by so many pussies that he has to organize them into a binder.
How do I know this? Well, it’s because I know about Sweater Theory.
Sweater Theory was a chance discovery, like penicillin. It came into my consciousness on a really REALLY cold night in New York City some years ago when I had two friends’ birthdays to attend.
When I go out, I usually try to look presentable in a button-down shirt, but I wasn’t trying to look presentable that night. I just wanted to be warm, so I put on a sweater…
At the first party, a girl I’d never met dragged me to meet her friend (who gave me her number shortly after) and at the second party, another girl had to abruptly leave our conversation in order to not cheat on her boyfriend by spontaneously making out with me. I’m not making this up, this was relayed to me by a mutual friend.
I mean, I do ok with the ladies, but I had to admit that this night was unusual. In search of answers, I attended deep meditation retreats and consulted the foremost experts on women’s psychology (ok, maybe I didn’t do either of those). But, I did come up with Sweater Theory, which states…
Theorem: Sweater > SPOS
1. When one wears a sweater, it automatically makes you look like a mature, nice and sincere guy
2. If you are a sarcastic/cynical piece of shit (SPOS), you will always look like a SPOS, no matter what you are wearing
3. The ONLY exception to 2 is if you are wearing a sweater
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So why is Sweater Theory important? Well, let me ask you. What do women want in a man? *Psst* Answer: A mature, nice and sincere guy with a little bit of an edge.
Did you get that? All a SPOS has to do to kill it with the ladies is to put on a damn sweater. It doesn’t even need to be red!
And since we’ve already concluded that everyone in this country is a SPOS, we have a fraudulent man frolicking around on national television like a nice guy while leaving a devastating trail of tears and heartbreak in his wake. Hide your daughters (and girlfriends if you’re not wearing a sweater) America!
Disposable camera? White on white on white? Energy policy?! You’re not fooling me Ken Bone, no matter how much I want to believe that we’re all not SPOS’s.
