Hear Me Out — Someone Needs To Make a Tango and Cash Video Game
So if you’ve been following me for a good while now (and if you have, thanks for your patronage!), you’ve probably got a good notion that I like 80s movies. Good movies, bad movies, cheesy movies, don’t matter. I just like ’em. I can watch Alligator like a champ and still hold The Monster Squad on the same level as The Goonies.
But yesterday, I was out and about at the thrift store and I find a nice little sign that I think would be perfect for my place — a metal sign for the movie Tango and Cash.
Now, if you recall, Tango and Cash was a gem of an action movie, released in December 1989 and directed by Andrei Konchalovsky. It stars Sylvester Stallone and Kurt Russell as two cops who follow their own way of fighting crime, but they both manage to do so effectively. But a high level drug dealer (Jack Palance — yes, Jack Palance) decides he’s had enough of their shenanigans and opts to have them framed for a crime they didn’t commit. It’s up to them to turn the tables on this guy and prove their innocence — by shooting everything in their path, of course.
Tango and Cash is a fun movie. I don’t care what anyone says. And, I’ll tell you what, it has the perfect set-up to be a video game.
Now, of course, I don’t see EA giving it a glance and saying, “Hey, let’s go for it!” But damn it, if Bad Boys: Miami Takedown can get laughable video game treatment, then so can Tango and Cash.
In fact, the film as a whole is set up like a big video game. You obviously have the set-up for the story, and then sequences like a chase between Russell and an Asian suspect. Not to mention the prison escape.
But then you pretty much have the last part of the film, which is absolute fodder for a video game. First you have the cops breaking into the drug dealer’s compound (the size of two football fields, looks like) with a superpowered truck, shooting at these large cranes, gas stations, you name it. This could be an amazing driving sequence, especially if it were done by the Burnout team. (What, one can dream.)
Then you have them breaking into the main building of the compound, while the drug dealer sets a self-destruct sequence. (Yes, for some reason this is installed in all drug dealer compounds, don’t you know.) Oh, and for good measure, the drug dealer has kidnapped Tango’s sister (Teri Hatcher, of course.)
This leads to a showdown between Tango and Cash and two thugs, including good ol’ Brion James, a staple of terrific 80s and 90s movies. (Rest in peace, friend, and thank you.) This can make for a terrific fighting sequence, akin to Final Fight. And, of course, it has to end with a FUBAR quote, because of course it does.
And then the final boss battle with ol’ Palance himself. In the movie, he has Hatcher in his custody and takes hiding in a hall of mirrors. Of course, Tango and Cash figure out who the real one is in the film, but this could make for a fun final boss battle. Hell, why not juice him up with energy for a fistfight? The guy could do one-armed push-ups in his 70s, for chrissakes.
Tango and Cash is a silly, fun film, and I think it’d also make a silly, fun game. It certainly has the setup for it. Alas, I won’t hold my breath, because, yeah. It’s decades old and well past, and I don’t know how Sly and Kurt would feel lending their likenesses to it. But I still think it’d be fun.
Anyway, go watch Tango and Cash today and have a good time with it. And be mindful of how you treat your gun-toting trucks. Owen is watching.
Have a good Sunday, all!
