How the Heck Did Wild Wild West Become Such a Wild Wild Waste?
Anyone remember the 60s series The Wild, Wild West? It ran from 1965 to 1969 and starred the likes of Robert Conrad and Ross Martin as a pair of Secret Service agents during the American Civil War. It took a unique approach from other “cowboy” shows at the time, with clever touches to truly make it stand out.
It’s still a classic series to this day, though it might be “old” for some. That said…I’m wondering how the hell it motivated a movie like Wild Wild West to be made.
The movie has about the same name as the show, but the nature of it is anything but. Directed by Barry Sonnenfeld (Men In Black and far better films), it stars Will Smith as James “Jim” West, a no-nonsense U.S. Army Captain working alongside the Secret Service. He’s paired up with Artemus Gordon (Kevin Kline, being a good sport through all this), an inventive genius. Also, side note, Kline also plays the President in the film, since Conrad took one look at the script and said, “Nope.”
Anyway, the film is a hodgepodge of storytelling, but there’s a girl, Rita (Salma Hayek) involved in the fray. And of course, there’s the legless villain Dr. Arliss Loveless (Kenneth Branagh, no doubt leaving this one off his resume), who has a diabolical plan that involves a…large, slow-moving spider robot.
Anyway, it sounds great on paper, right? The casting is about right, and even features M. Emmet Walsh and Ted Levine. It can’t fail, right? Right? Um…
The problem is the movie has six writers. Jim and John Thomas came up with the story, while S.S. Wilson, Brent Maddock, Jeffrey Price and Peter S. Seaman came up with the script. And between all of them, the movie can’t hit any proper notes when it comes to humor.
Take one scene where Smith is kissing a girl in a well while keeping an eye on a potential suspect. He can’t even tell when she stops kissing him. Because that’s how real life works, right? But that’s just the tip of the iceberg.
The movie has some rough treatment of racial material. Like…insanely rough. Branagh makes all sorts of black jokes, while Smith gets back at him with short jokes. And this repeats quite a bit, all the way through the finale.
On top of that, most of the set pieces fall flat. A rescue from a secret lab involves a harem costume and flame-throwing boob guns. (Don’t ask.) A scene involving magnetic buzzsaws makes no sense, especially considering a. how slow they go, and b. you can easily hide behind the machine that launched them since it’s right there.
And that’s not including the scene where Smith tries to talk himself out of getting hung by a lynch mob (and discussing how patting a person’s boobs is a…compliment?) Or, for that matter, when Smith gets on a train, gets launched by some platform thing, and somehow ends up safely inside the train. PHYSICS!
I suppose if there was a sense of whimsy or stupidity surrounding the film — like Super Mario Bros.: The Movie — I could give it more of a pass. But it doesn’t even have that. It just drags on and on with barely any humor or common sense at all. And when you get to the big climax involving the big walking spider, it comes to a clunky halt with a showdown that literally runs out of air as it goes.
I feel bad for the actors involved. Smith deserved better, but opted to go with this instead of…The Matrix? Ouch. Kline was just trying to find some good work, and I still think he’s a masterful actor. Plus the idea of him playing President isn’t the worst thing.
Hayek is there for sex appeal (“Well, time to get some shut-ass…”), as well as a confusing ending arc that comes literally out of nowhere; and Levine and Walsh are barely in the mess to even get properly involved. And Branagh…well, he’s since found his footing as Poirot in the recent detective films, so he’s taking his immersion to a much better level. Still, who knows, maybe he can do another Western where he actually gets to growl instead of hamming it up like he owns a butcher shop.
The movie cost an estimated $170 million and was trying to “ride high” on a soundtrack that included Enrique Iglesias and even Smith trying to remix Kool Moe Dee’s “Wild Wild West” with his own remix touch. (Didn’t quite work, but it’s nice that Dee consulted on it. Or is that Kool?)
I dunno. Had the movie gone with a more focused concept and a script writer that actually understood how fun movies were supposed to work, Wild Wild West could’ve stood more of a chance. Instead, it just falls flat in every direction. Fortunately, everyone involved got out of it unscathed (mostly) and are onto better things. But it’s just a reminder that not every good idea through Hollywood gets the golden touch.
Also, if you see someone walking with flame-thrower boobie guns…um, run.
Thanks for reading and have a great weekend!
