Surf Ninjas Is Peak 90s Cinema, and There’s No Escaping It

Not just ninjas, guys. SURF Ninjas.

The 90s were definitely an interesting time for movies. Along with every Jurassic Park and Mortal Kombat, we got something like Super Mario Bros. The Movie and Highlander: The Final Dimension. But it also gave us some gems that some of us had no idea existed — like Surf Ninjas.

Released in 1993, this film, co-written and directed by Neal Israel, focused on two teenage surfers who somehow have ties with the king of Patusan, which might explain why they’re being attacked by ninjas. They decide to go and meet their fate, with the evil Colonel Chi, out to stop them.

“Let’s watch Surf Ninjas!” “Why?” “Because!”

Now, you might think, “Well, that sounds like a great action film.” But Surf Ninjas transcends that just because of how silly it is. I mean, let’s break down the smaller elements that really make this come together.

1. So throughout the movie, Adam has a Game Gear system. Now, we probably all had Game Gears at the time anyway (or Game Boys, Tetris and all), but Adam’s was special. With his Game Gear, he could actually manipulate events in real time, including helping out his brother Johnny. I’m not kidding. In fact, the Game Gear became such a prominent part of the movie that Sega opted to make a side Surf Ninjas game, which you can still fairly easily get your hands on. (I’d love to get my hands on a copy just to get Rob Schneider to try and autograph it without busting out laughing.)

Yes, there’s a game. You are the Surf Ninja!

2. Next, let’s talk the movie itself, which is looney tunes. Of course, it’s vintage 90s action, so there’s a lot of martial arts goodness to go around, along with ridiculous gunplay and a humorous gag where a henchman ends up falling down an epic set of stairs not once, but twice. Not that Neal Israel is going to win an Oscar or anything, but he certainly made the most out of his $6.5 million budget.

3. Let’s talk casting. Ernie Reyes Jr., from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze and Sidekicks, portrays Johnny, giving him plenty of room to shine with his martial arts techniques. But…he also sings? Yeah, there’s a version of “Barbara Ann” of his own that he belts out not once, but twice. Break out the karaoke machine!

4. On top of that, Ernie’s dad, Ernie Reyes Sr., is also in the film. He portrays Zach, Johnny’s uncle, who turns out to be a warrior fighting for the sake of the Patsuan. And he has his goofy moments as well, but, surprise, he can kick butt too.

5. Rob Schneider. Yes, a pre-Saturday Night Live (and for that matter, Judge Dredd) Rob Schneider is in this as Iggy, Johnny’s surfing buddy. And he has the most ridiculous hair color you can imagine for a 90s film. Of course, he doesn’t have any epic fight scenes, but he makes for a great comic foil. Again, it’d be great to hear what he thinks of this film now.

6. Tone Loc’s in this. TONE LOC! Remember “Wild Thing” and “Funky Cold Medina”? Well, he can act too, as he plays LAPD detective Lieutenant Spence. Don’t ask how he gets involved with all this, it’s too silly to explain. Here, enjoy his video.

7. Kelly Hu’s in this, and I will give her total bonus points because she’s Kelly Hu, and I met her and she’s amazing. But damn it, I should have asked her about Surf Ninjas. Next time.

8. And now the greatest reason of all to watch Surf Ninjas, the one that absolutely, positively makes no sense. Guess who they cast as the dangerous warlord that rules over Patusan. That’s right, Leslie Nielsen. Lt. Frank Drebin himself. Of course, he barely gets his kicks in because, well, he’s Leslie Nielsen. But he has fun anyway, messing around with his answering machine and somehow arming himself with useless electronics. It’s silly, just indulge. (Besides, his performance is about on the level of Dracula: Dead and Loving It.)

“I’m getting paid to do this.”

Look. Surf Ninjas isn’t meant to be a legendary film along the lines of better ones on the market. But it’s ridiculous, it’s fun, and if you take it with a grain of salt, it makes for some, um, quality viewing? (Maybe I can think of a better word.) But it’s well worth the watch, and, what luck, you can get it as part of Vudu’s D2D program for a mere $2 simply by tracking down the barcode of the DVD (just do a search) and doing a quick conversion. Well worth $2, just for Schneider’s hair alone. (And Kelly Hu, of course.)

You’ve now been blessed (cursed?) with Surf Ninjas. Take that for what you will.

Have a great week!