I Have a Story to Tell: Ophelia, Doll
For the last year I have been struggling with PTSD. They call it “The Great Masquerader” because all of its symptoms could be diagnosed mental illnesses of their own: Insomnia, depression, anxiety, agoraphobia, panic attacks. These are all informants of my new reality. It’s impossible to tear these things away from who I am now because they are as much a part of me as anything else, but these things are not who I am. These things are a distraction from my self, trying to pull me from my center and remove me from life. Even though they like to wear my skin and make me dance by pulling my strings, they are not me. They are not the story that I have to tell.
Ophelia, Doll is a novel that I have written, in part as a means of reclaiming my life from the clutches of personal demons. The titular Ophelia is coming of age and uncertain which of life’s seemingly abysmal choices are meant for her. In a world where magic only exists as the plaything of children, she is being thrust into adulthood and struggles to reconcile what’s expected of her with the aspirations that seem so beyond reach that they are impossible to define. When the enigmatic Impresario comes to town with his traveling one man show, she is drawn in by the dark magic that he wields to entertain his audience by performing his surreal feats of mysticism. He is dangerous, yet alluring. Through her journey of self discovery, Ophelia must decide whether or not the rewards that he offers are worth the price of admission.
I have written and revised this book. I’ve taken it as far as I am capable on my own. Now I need the help of a larger community. I’ve submitted this novel into a contest hosted by Inkshares and The Nerdist. If by September 30th I am among the Top 5 authors to have the most preorders, I will be given a publishing deal beyond my wildest dreams- with access to a professional editor and a team of publicists that will handle the weight of furthering the promotion of my book. I’ve been sitting on this completed fantasy novel for a few months because I didn’t feel capable of the internal strength required to self publish, nor do I feel confident that I could survive months or years of rejection by trying to publish through traditional methods.
This opportunity is a half step between the two options. Writing novels for a living has been my dream since I was twelve and it was only through being forcibly removed from the mundane routine of surviving life as a workaholic by my new PTSD companion that I have made it this far. However, the same mal-adaptive traits that made me a dilligent career man before turning me into a fractured mess now pose a significant barrier to taking the next step.
I convinced myself that by entering this contest, I could isolate the frustrations of the publishing process, distilling them into an insane six week gauntlet of misery as opposed to stretching the burden out indefinitely. I know my struggles won’t end with this step, but at least through this method I have a timeline with which I can work. If I can hold my breath and dive into this thing, give it all that I’ve got, win or lose I can come up for air on September 30th. Of course, it would amazing if I didn’t have to start the process over again should I lose.
Currently, I’m in 3rd place. I’ve bounced around between 1st and 3rd over the last week. It’s more stress than I imagined, but I don’t regret pushing myself beyond the limits of comfort- to me, the rewards are worth the price of admission. I think I assumed that I would lose so quickly that I could just give up- as embarrassing as that is to admit. Just one year ago, I wasn’t such a downtrodden, self doubting pessimist- I was outgoing and had access to a seemingly endless reservoir of hope. Sometimes when I think the most disparaging thoughts about myself, I don’t even recognize the person I’ve become because that PTSD passenger is commanding the stage. I don’t know if I believe that things happen for a reason that we are not ourselves responsible for creating, but being in such a constant state of flux so near victory has fueled me with an intestinal fortitude that I didn’t have a couple weeks ago. It’s been like weight training for my soul and despite my preconceived notions about entering this contest, I am stronger now than I once was- and that’s no small victory.
I’m not used to asking for things from others. I think that’s at least part of why I received such an early boom in the rankings. Friends and family members, whose endeavors I’ve supported for years, have turned out in numbers that made me question my sanity. Every time I slip a rank in the contest, it seems another person answers the call on my behalf, lending me their strength and making it nearly impossible for me to convince myself that I am unloved. Unfortunately, I only know so many people. When I broke 100 orders, it seemed like the train would never stop- but now it’s becoming apparent that if I’m going to win, I need the support of my extended internet family and strangers alike.
Please consider reading the preview of chapter one, available through my page on Inkshares. If you like what you read, you can preorder the book for $10 and get access to the entire first five chapters. If you STILL like what I’m pushing, I implore you to consider sharing this with friends and family- it means everything to me at a time when I desperately need a win.
If you’ve made it this far through my story, I thank you for your time and consideration. I hope you’ll take the time to follow the rest of this story:
