life lessons

When Death Comes Calling

A Daughter’s Pain

photo credit: author/Robin Le Roy-Kyle

You think you’ll know how you’ll feel when a parent dies.

You can assume. Make guesses based on your relationship.

But really, that’s you convincing yourself you’ve got it under control.

Turns out, that headspace control? It’s a farce … a lie you’re telling yourself.

Truth is, you have no damn idea how you’ll feel ’til you get the call. Then all the minutes, days…. months… after.

Tuesday.

8:48 PM.

Call. Received.

He takes it outside.

Returns, face pinched.

It’s your mom. She’s dead.

He moves in to hug me.

Okay.

No tears.

No shock.

Just quiet.

Breathing.

Blank.

Until later….

I feel overwhelmingly sad and guilty. It grows with each passing hour.

Not the relief I expected. Anticipated. Hoped for.