Gaslighting in Marriage That Leads to Divorce

A story: “We started dating, and he was wonderful. He was well-educated, highly regarded by others, and a good listener. He was a friend of a good friend, and I immediately trusted him. I thought he was honest, and there was a strong chemistry between us.

As we grew more involved, one scenario seemed to launch the gaslighting behavior. I made a financial decision for myself, and he responded by acting bossy and controlling. I broke up with him for a few months and we spent time apart. Then, he called me and said he wanted to be with me. I assumed he knew this meant he needed to be kinder, so I took him back.

After this, he began to undermine me very subtly and very gradually. For example, he would point out examples of people who were good wives or mothers in such a way that I felt like I was not good enough. I was insecure to begin with, and I began to doubt myself even more.

Then the social isolation began. I started to sense that his friends were distancing themselves from me. When I asked him about it, he would say: “You’re crazy; that’s not happening.” I eventually learned he had been spreading lies about me. He also tried to isolate me from my friends by saying he didn’t like someone, or if we had people over, not wanting to include my friends.

At first, I would express how I felt because of his behavior, but after he continued to shut me down, I stopped speaking up. He was so manipulative that I felt as though I were under his spell. Over time, I began to feel worse and worse about myself. I grew dependent on him and his opinion of me, and I even became physically sick.

The outcome of all of this? I second guessed my value, worth, and power as a woman. I never thought something like this could happen to me — I am a smart and independent person. I felt like I was living in a bad movie.”

A form of hidden abuse

This is a story that a former patient, who prefers to remain anonymous, recounted to me, a story of how gaslighting destroyed her marriage — and her sense of self. While this is just one woman’s account, unfortunately, this story, and many like it, are too common in too many marriages.

I define gaslighting as a form of emotional abuse where one person’s psychological manipulation causes another person to question their reality. Gaslighting can happen between two people in any relationship. The abuser (gaslighter) preserves his or her sense of self and power over the victim (gaslightee), who adopts the gaslighter’s version of reality over their own.

Gaslighting is a form of “unseen abuse,” meaning it’s not as easy to spot as the bruises or scars from physical violence. Yet it’s probably a more prevalent form of abuse in relationships and even harder to unravel.

A lawyer’s perspective

Attorney Evan Schein, Head of Litigation at Berkman, Bottger Newman & Schein, explains that he’s witnessed hundreds of cases involving gaslighting during his 15 years in matrimonial and family law. I had the pleasure of interviewing Schein for a recent episode of The Gaslight Effect Podcast, where he describes his clients’ experiences of gaslighting as an accumulation of years of control. These power plays typically dominate in financial or social arenas and are so gradual that the gaslightee — often the wife in the marriage — will take years to choose to get out of the unhealthy relationship.

“This is years until someone has enough courage, someone has enough strength, someone can finally muster up enough self-confidence to sit across from me and tell me everything they’ve been through,” says Schein. “And when you hear it, it’s sort of like building a house. It’s brick by brick, layer by layer. The control and the manipulation often started very early in the relationship, and the victim did not have the ability or was not able to recognize it. And a lot of times people believe it was their fault.”

This concept of belief is critical in the experience of gaslighting. The gaslighter acts in such a way that the gaslightee questions their experience of reality and sense of self. They feel powerless and believe that if they choose to end the marriage, they’ll lose everything — their children, their home, their livelihood.

Schein continues, “People come in and say, ‘My husband said I’m not going to get anything. I’m going to be left on the street without any money, I’m not going to get child support, and I’m even going to have to pay him all sorts of money.’ Those claims are so out of context and simply not true. That’s when you see the gaslighter personality and the behavior that started during the marriage used as a weapon during the divorce process. And it’s a problem. People feel stuck and they end up staying in relationships for far too long.”

If you are in a similar situation and seeking to end your marriage, Schein offers some practical advice for how to do so:

• Ask your marriage counselor or personal therapist to be present and act as a mediator when you announce your intention to end your marriage.
• Ensure a third party whom you trust and makes you feel safe is with you during all divorce conversations with your partner.
• Be intentional about when and where you discuss and negotiate divorce terms. For example, choose a public place and perhaps avoid a weekend when you would be isolated with the gaslighter for hours on end.

A good ending

“At one point I could not take it anymore, and I said I was done. I saw your book on gaslighting, read it, and wondered if you were in my home because it was such an accurate depiction of my experience! Eventually, because of my new knowledge, I was able to reclaim my power, and to get out.

There can be a happy ending for you, too. Like the woman whose story began this article, you can choose to pay attention to the red flags, to not ignore what doesn’t feel right in your gut. Recognize that you cannot change your abuser. The only thing you control is your response to the situation by working towards changing the dynamic or getting out.”

Learn more about how gaslighting impacts marriage and what you can do about it by visiting my website or listening to my podcast, The Gaslight Effect Podcast.