Gaslighting in Teen Years
Robin Stern, Ph.D.
Co-authored by Hannah Husain. Hannah is a Senior at The Spence School in New York City. Her areas of interest and research include topics such as: Gaslighting, Bilingual Brains, Connections Between Language and Mannerisms and Mood Disorders.
“Hey Google, what is gaslighting?”
In the United States, this is the definition people asked for more than any other in 2023. At 130,000 searches per month, gaslighting is fully embedded in the 21st century zeitgeist, nudging its way into nearly every sphere of popular conversation. It is evident that we seek an answer to the ominous, omnipresent question: Am I being gaslighted?
For teens, a subset of the population, among the most susceptible and vulnerable to the influence of others, this term — its use and misuse — is especially important. And reading a snapshot of a conversation with Hannah Husain, a teenager herself, we learn why it is so critical for teens to spot and stop gaslighting in its tracks. And critical for parents to talk to their teens about gaslighting and also to check in with themselves to be sure their own predilections and/or fears are not pushing them into gaslighting communications.
Hannah, a high school senior, is based in New York and is keenly interested in understanding gaslighting dynamics. Hannah has studied and written on the topic of gaslighting in the life of teenagers. She is a two-time guest on The Gaslight Effect podcast. Her first episode generated so much interest that we asked her to come back and her new episode will launch this week .What follows is a dialogue reflective of parts of few conversations we had, in between podcasts. The dialogue is edited for clarity of concepts.
The 21st Century Teen: A Perfect Storm for Gaslighting
RS: Hannah, we know it’s tough, really tough, being a teen today. With or without gaslighting, we both know that teenagers have been tasked with dodging a worldwide pandemic only to battle an epidemic of loneliness amid the rise of social media, socioeconomic unrest, and artificial intelligence over the last few years. Add gaslighting into the mix and what does this mean for the psychological safety of teens like yourself?
HH: When it comes to gaslighting, or emotional abuse where one person is manipulating another, I believe no one is safe — teens included. Maybe especially teens. But, I have noticed that the experiences of teenage gaslighting can look different than ‘typical’ gaslighting in a relationship. I want to tell people about it — because parents and sisters and brothers of teens can sometimes help the person being gaslighted too.
Maybe we don’t have an emotionally abusive partner who warps our reality and gets us to believe it’s good to cut-off family and friends but friends I have spoken to sometimes do experience gaslighting because — for example — their mom or dad or guardian — don’t want them to make a certain decision. For instance, my friend’s mom who was anxious tried to sway her daughter towards a certain decision by trash-talking her friends and putting down her daughter’s judgment. Her mom did not realize that after a while of the gaslighting messages, she undermined Natalie’s confidence in her ability to make choices. I witnessed just that with my friend feeling badly about herself, second guessing her decisions, and I wrote about it.
Gaslighting for teens can also look like an uncomfortable interaction with a friend who is suddenly lying to you and saying you don’t remember clearly. It happened to me and I wrote about that too — a friend lied about her opinion of shoes someone was wearing (she told me she liked them in the morning and then suddenly when someone very popular dissed them, she lied about her own opinion to a larger group of our friends to look ‘cool’ to them). Then when I said I was confused because she liked the shoes that morning, she told me that she never said that. I left that interaction doubting what I remembered. But this turned out, when I walked away, to be a great moment to learn how to identify gaslighting attempts.
RS: Just like we talked about together in my podcast The Gaslight Effect, gaslighting can show up differently in different relationships and with different personality styles. And that is precisely why it’s important to tell our readers what teen gaslighting can look like. I would love to hear more of your thoughts about why gaslighting is so prevalent for your friends and other teens you interact with in school and online.
HH: There is only so much control that any teenager I know has over their everyday decisions when under the roof and rules of their parents or guardians. So, my friends and I push the boundaries — we all want more independence and power to make decisions. This is often when I have seen gaslighting come in. Gaslighting happens in a power dynamic in which one person (our parent!) asserts their dominance — and, we teens can find ourselves either the gaslightee or gaslighter. We can sometimes be the gaslighters too — just to gain control of a decision or opinion.
Although not all gaslighting scenarios are very serious and do not all have a long-term impact, gaslighting should not be minimized. Trusting our own judgment is so important — and, when parents undermine our reality and make us unsure of what we think and feel (like what happened to my friend in the above example) that messes with our minds.
Influence v. Gaslighting
RS: Right, and this is when it becomes critical to understand the difference between influence and gaslighting. Can you explain what this difference looks like for you as a teenager when influence (and influencers) are everywhere? How do you know if something or someone is actually gaslighting you?
HH: Lack of understanding, for me or my friends and I guess among people of all ages, has inspired much confusion around what gaslighting is and isn’t. It’s become what I have heard some people call a “fuzzy word”, meaning it’s sometimes not clear. Just disagreeing with someone is not gaslighting. When there is space in a relationship to disagree (“I don’t think it happened that way.”) versus no space (“I know for a fact it did not happen that way.”) then you are stating your opinion. When someone tries a number of ways to influence you, (“Everyone is seeing that movie…C’mon, everyone said we will love it and it’s going to win an Oscar — definitely need to see that”) that’s not gaslighting. However, when someone (as a teen or to a teen) states their version of what happened as the only version, the only reality, and there is something wrong with you if you don’t agree (“Of course you don’t want to see that movie, you are terrible at picking the winners — same as your shitty judgment about other things — you remember, don’t you?”) then that’s gaslighting.
Gaslighting: What To Watch For
RS: Hannah, thank you. While influence is inevitable, gaslighting is not. As a teen or someone close to one, there are certainly strategies for maintaining a gaslight-free life. What advice or tips do you have for navigating the treacherous grounds of teenage gaslighting?
HH: I am so glad that you and your colleagues at the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence talk about becoming an emotion scientist and checking in with your emotions often. I have been doing that more and more and it’s so important. I am now even more curious about my feelings and those of others. I think it’s important to be inquisitive — even about your own feelings. Ask questions. I believe when you do that your friend and family relationships will be healthier and not as likely to be vulnerable to gaslighting.
Also, listen for reality twisting tactics. If you find yourself saying or hearing phrases such as “You did not do that” (when they did) or “That definitely did not happen” (when it did) or “I never said that — you have the worst memory!” (to avoid someone else hearing something embarrassing about you often) pause and consider the intentions at play. Phrases like this may be the beginning of the slippery slope of gaslighting. Statements such as these suggest that someone is trying to assert their reality as the only reality. Rather than engage in reality twisting right back at them, try responses like “ Ok, we have to agree to disagree,” or “I just don’t see it that way,” in order to cut off the attempt to manipulate gaslighting.
RS: Thanks Hannah — and please share with our readers — teens, their siblings, their parents and friends, your special TRUTH practice that you told me about.
HH: I am happy to. I really like this for myself and recommend it for everyone to keep you grounded in your reality and what you know to be true. When I learned about gaslighting and could recognize some gaslighting attempts from friends, I made a list of things I know are true. Like: I know how I feel; My feelings are valid; I don’t have to negotiate about my feelings. I can find my truth if I pause and give myself a minute or two to think and allow my feelings.
I read my truths every day after school. There is more to my list — but you each have to make your own! Even you, Dr. Stern! Then, practice saying those truths to yourself at least a few times a week. Pick a time you won’t get distracted — like when you first wake up or when you just get home from work or right before bed. If you are like me, you will find it affirming and very helpful in staying grounded in what you know — a great way to avoid gaslighting!
