Confidence in the U.S. economy has seen an upswing in recent days as a result of a break-in to the White House by a feral coyote.
From his very first minute on the premises, the pup went about tearing up the rulebook. …
Pip-pip and R.I.P.
It is with great sadness that we announce the passing of Dan Ballowsford, the green Wiggle, who was tragically and prematurely taken from us when his big red car went bump-a-deedle into a seafood restaurant just outside of Redcliffe, Australia.
Dear friend of Bridget and Damien Holdsworth, Louise and Jeremy Ingleston, and Captain Feathersword. Beloved brother-in-law of Janie Davenport, and devoted godfather of Little Bunny Foo Foo.
Dan – words cannot express our gloomies at your passing, and our disbelief that you have wiggled your last wiggle. …
We’ve all been there — engrossed in that cosmic dance between dark and light, that compelling back-and-forth between rabid desk-thumping and getting detainees little cups of water.
Two cops. Doing what cops do. Engaging in cop-play. Copping each other off. Copping all over the detainee. All the other cops copping a perv through the one-way glass.
Two cops, rolling out their divine plays. Playing out their divine roles. Roles that were handed down to them by their fathers, their fathers’ fathers, and all the way back up through the patrilineal dude-tube to Clint Eastwood.
Roles that evolved together in perfect, ecstatic synchronicity, like two impeccably-formed testicles endowing the crotch that is the Department of Justice. …
So your boss has entrusted you with the solemn responsibility of coming up with a great acronym for the new working group within the Miscellaneous Analysts wing of the Ancillary Applications division of the Maintenance Operations department of his subsidiary company? Of course he has!
He’s included a few colleagues in the assignment, which is a bit puzzling because you can totally do this by yourself, using “CONTRIVED/IK”:
C — Choose a single, irresistible word to build your acronym around, even if it means bludgeoning the various elements into place. …
If you’re reading this, you’ve had trouble keeping your grandchildren engaged in a conversation about your prostate. Use these six pointers to ensure you have their full attention whilst regaling them with the details of your most recent examination.
Young people love talking about themselves. Unfortunately they never want to listen, even though you’ve got all the answers. Inviting them to share their own opinions and experiences might just trick them into listening to you.
Don’t be too hesitant in setting up this conversation either, as people will think you’re weird. Just launch into it with something like, “Hey Oliver, how wide do you think your prostate is, in inches?” You then need to wait until you get a one word of response from him. …
We keep getting these: — — WARNING! UNUSUAL READING BEHAVIOUR ATTACHED TO ACCOUNT @robin_hinkley — —
This is an automated message from Medium. We’ve noticed a worrying discrepancy between our estimated read times and the time it takes you to plod through an article.
We like to think our formula for working out read times is very generous. It was modelled on the reading speed of an exhausted and distracted mother of three, but then we added two extra minutes to account for the blanking they do.
But you’re not even an exhausted and distracted mother of three. We know this because we have scanned your profile description, and it mentions international travel. Also, we know because your description did not use the phrase “mother of three” — something no mother of three would neglect to mention. …
And five other reasons to publish my work
I have profiled your writing tastes and have sweated over this piece just for you. That is why it includes mention of a giant baby. I have also noticed that you quite often clap for articles describing medieval banquets in which quail is being eaten, so that’s in there too.
I feel like it’s my destiny for you to publish this short piece of writing. I know you believe in destiny too because you and I are going to have a conversation about it a bit further down the track. …
The last time I checked, the Stargate portal was not a dumpsite for your unwanted shit, but was actually a vitally important interplanetary transporter.
So why do I keep finding stacks of ring binders piled up dangerously around this essential asset?
Disappointingly, this was the subject of last month’s Find a Happy Space workplace safety meeting, so it’s a bit concerning to see so little take-up. How many more technicians need to stumble into wormholes before we take this issue seriously?
As Health and Safety Monitor and Hygiene Warden, I am responsible for bringing concerns to the attention of employees, but I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR DOING ALL THE TIDYING UP MYSELF. Yet here I am, for the third time this week, wiping coffee spills off the Dial Home Device and sweeping up exoskeletons. …
Please indulge me for one moment by picturing a dolphin.
It’s grinning at you, right? And it has sparkly cartoon eyes, yes? But is your image really informed by a balanced appraisal of this species? Why is it that when you think of a dolphin you find yourself looking around the pier for an incidental bucket of mackerel? The truth is, we are all so caught up in our own human-level pissing contests that we have failed to notice the PR battle for our affection playing out amongst dumb animals.
And why wouldn’t they battle, quite frankly? There’s a lot at stake here, and it’s probably worth throwing a bit of money at it in a bid to win our hearts and minds. …
As someone who has done a whole lot of clapping, I can tell you that these scheduled rounds of applause for our essential health workers, however well-meaning, are an embarrassment to the craft. In fact, the entire body of the World Clappers Association is watching what you’re doing with horror, then hiding their faces in their mildly inflamed hands.
Let me assure you that I have no small amount of clapping experience, and have made it my business to learn the intricacies of the discipline, from applauding community theatre performances of Hello, Dolly! to solo clapping kindly parking wardens as they usher little old ladies across the street. I have corrected entire churchloads of Gospel worshippers, and am known in my circles for sparking off that famous round of applause after they pulled that young lad out of the manhole. …