I’M NOT LISTENTING TO HANSON, MY COMPUTER IS POSSESSED !

At least once a day at work, I have a brief and frightening day-mare wherein my headphones abruptly disconnect from my computer and my embarrassing musical preferences are blasted all over the office. It begins like any normal work fantasy where I imagine my deadline gets pushed back. Except this time in a state of euphoric victory I make a sassy head-bobbing motion which makes me look like a bad ass but simultaneously jerks my headphones from the jack. Self-satisfaction turns to white-hot fear and my heart stops as “MMM-BOPPP” engulfs the office (because let’s face it, I’ll be listening to Hanson).

I first react by minacially laughing to try and convince others that this is in fact a joke and to maybe cover up the music that has, by now, reached the farthest conference room. Nobody else laughs and I conclude that my joke approach isn’t working. With sweat now all over my face I yell “I SWEAR I’M NOT LISTENING TO HANSON. MY COMPUTER IS POSSESSED!!! SOMEONE PLEASE CALL THE HUSBAND AND WIFE PARANORMAL INVESTIGATORS FROM THE CONJURING!”.

Mentioning the Conjuring makes me think of religion and although I’m not that religious, I begin to pray silently to God. I ask him to quickly change Hanson to a David Guetta song or something. I wait for this miracle or at least for the floor to open up and swallow me but nothing happens. God ignores my plea. However, I imagine if God had answered me he’d probably be like “This is your own fault. You should have been listening to the Pope Francis’s playlist on Spotify because then an opera song would be blasting out of your computer and your coworkers would be thinking that you are REGAL AS FUCK. Also you’re computer would probably not have even gotten possessed in the first place.”

Forsaken by God I resort to my last option. A high pitched scream is emitted from my mouth and I throw my body onto my computer and wait for my coworkers judgement to kill me. This of course would be too easy. Instead their disapproving looks only paralyze me and I am forced to be fully conscious until MMMBop finally ends.