Well, We Almost Made Out
I’ve been making out with a lot of pizza lately. My therapist says its probably due to an unresolved make out from my past, so she suggested writing an imaginary letter to help me get over it. Luckily imaginary letters are my specialty. My therapist is a beanie baby.
Dear Person who I think I almost could have made out with that one time at a Beyonce & Pad Thai house party,
You know who you are jk. I don’t expect you to remember because you’ve probably been to a dozen Beyonce & Pad Thai house parties. I’ll just remember for the both of us. From what I can gather about that night, you seemed to be targeting me for some LIP ACTION but I didn’t realize until it was too late. Unfortunately for you, I have the social skills and sexual inexperience of the pepperoni crust my lips so tenderly kiss today.
After that failed attempt at human interaction, I listened to a bunch of sad pop music. That’s right, I still had some self esteem left over. I could have just cranked up the Sara McLaughlin, but instead I put on some Cher so I could at least jam out to my sadness. I RESPECT MYSELF. Anyway Here are some lingering questions I had after that night.
1) If I could turn back time…i would ask you what’s your number? By number I mean your vision index number because when we were dancing you started to move closer to me. This must have been because you lost your glasses. My eye doctor is great you should totally give him a call. Actually maybe not. I don’t have his number. I always get weird when I try and ask someone for their number.
2) Ohhh, so you didn’t realize I was actually dancing on my own? You may have approached me because you mistook my fresh ass dance moves for miniature seizures. You wouldn’t be the first. One time the DJ at a Madonna dance party called an ambulance after observing me vogue. I’ll have you know that if there was a real problem I would have just activated my Life Alert.
3) If I had uttered a careless whisper would you have thought me carefree and spontaneous. I just want people to think that I can be seductive like a George Michael song. Although to be honest I don’t really know what a careless whisper is or what I would even say if I whispered one. Maybe I’d say something like “Do I detect Old Spice under your arms?”.
4) What is love? I mean what is love anyway. I definitely don’t love you. Come on, our lips never even touched. I’m obviously not one of those people who obsesses over someone I’ve barely even talked to. I have boundaries. Only sometimes do I Google your name + the school we went to so I can see what you’re up to. (I have to differentiate because there are a bunch of people with your name).
You may have already guessed that these questions all correlate with a song from my sad pop playlist. You also may have noticed that there are only four songs. Well, I really tried to dance to my sadness but I ended up just crying after four songs.
P.S. Sorry I accidentally dribbled some vodka gummy bears on your shoes.