Why The David Is So Hot

So you have probably heard that the David sculpture was based on some king in the bible or whatever. Well no, its way spicier than that. David was actually Michelangelo’s great lover. That’s right, Michelangelo was into the beefy man candy. Look at all those hot-ass men he sculpted and painted. He obviously had a type. Even when he painted women and babies, he gave them crossfit bodies.

Check out that baby’s biceps.

Anyway, so David was this really sexy performer\painter, it was the renaissance so everyone was a “\painter”(amateurs). Well one night Michelangelo saw David in a special all male performance of Grease at the Teatro. Michelangelo was all like “The way that hot-ass David guy is bringing emotional depth to Doody is turning me on”.

So after the show Michelangelo barged into David’s dressing room and seductively whispered “I must sculpt your body”. The night that ensued was basically like that scene in titanic where a younger and more attractive Leonardo DiCaprio draws Rose like his french girls.

They embarked on a passionate and romantic life adventure. But like all gay romance films, it ends in devastation. David became famous as a result of Michelangelo’s sculpture and led the Miley Cyrus lifestyle that accompanied such fame. Meanwhile, Michelangelo had become increasingly busy trying to finish the Sistine Chapel.

Slowly both men grew apart. When Michelangelo finally finished the Sistine Chapel he realized he could no longer walk. This sort of handicap was too much responsibility for the shallow David to handle so he left Michelangelo on the “cold hard ground”(Taylor Swift, Trouble — please don’t sue me Taylor). Don’t worry, Michelangelo eventually learned to walk again with the companionship of some crutches.

Why didn’t their love end like Samantha and Jake’s in Sixteen Candles? Instead it was all like Sistine candles. (ok you should probably sue me for that pun because it was awful)