How my life fell apart

This is a post I didn’t think I’d ever be writing.

In the past, I’ve been unsure about the circumstances that lead people to share personal and private information in a public forum. I understand that sometimes events are so traumatic and upsetting that it becomes a form of therapy or closure. That’s why i’m posting this now.

I’d also like to think that maybe someone will read it and feel they’re not alone in what they are going through.

The summary, is that in late 2018, the person I’d been married to for 12.5 years, and had been together with all my adult life, since 2001, asked me to leave the house we shared with our four young children.
She said that if I didn’t leave, she would leave and take the kids with her.

In what I now know was the wrong decision, I left for the night in order to calm the situation down.

I went to stay at my parents house, who live 15 mins away, thinking I’d be back in a day or maybe two. I took nothing with me other than my computer and phone charger.

It seems likely I will never go back there.

Why did she ask you, or rather tell you, to leave? Must have been pretty bad?

We have four children together. They are aged 7, 5, and twins aged 3. We tried for around four years for our first daughter to be born, and the others were not straightforward either. We longed for children, and felt incredibly lucky when our first daughter was born in 2011. Before she was born, I would not have thought I would be the father of four beautiful, healthy children of our own, but that’s exactly what we got.

As anyone who has children knows, even one child is hard work.

Having four was exceptionally difficult. I’ve yet to meet anyone who has children with the same age spread as myself, but I believe it’s incredibly challenging to give them everything they need. It’s possible, but difficult.

Niki left work when our first daughter was around one year old. It wasn’t something we talked about before she decided to leave her job. She would have time to be a stay at home mum, she said. I remember the phone call where she told me vividly. I remember thinking “how will be able to afford this”, and “all the pressure is on me to provide for us”. Looking back, I’ve never felt comfortably being under a lot of pressure, and the added pressure I felt under now was huge.

Pressure and stress take their toll on people’s health, and this pressure I would come to know well in the coming six years, up to today.
The feeling of sickness, the aching body, the loss of appetite, the feeling of lethargy, of behaving in unhealthy ways to take your mind away from life. The adrenaline pumping through your body, making your heart race, the sweating despite having the strongest antiperspirant you can buy. Also the mood swings, the anger caused by being hungry because you haven’t eaten, and dare I say it, taking out some frustrations on those around you. The dread of the next work meeting, or the next bill payment, or of when the kids or wife need to buy something.

Every day for the last six years, one of those “symptoms” has been part of my day.

Somehow, it felt just part of life. Part of having a family, and it was all worth it because I was doing it for our daughter at first, and my wife.
When I managed to find a way to talk to Niki about it, I was told to “man up”, or that “its hard looking after kids”, or “you need to get help for your problems”.
Anyone using modern messaging such as iMessage or Whatsapp will know ALL messages are saved. I’ve recently been through some, and have found messages saying all the things I've just quoted.

Looking back now, all I really wanted, was some empathy and support. An arm round me to say “I really appreciate what you’re doing”, or “you’re doing great”. I don’t think that should be conditional on me doing the same, if i’m honest. Sure, I could have done more of it myself but I maintain that having learnt a lot about myself in recent months, that would have meant the world to me.

Probably worth stating again what I was doing for the last six years of my life. I was earning around 80–90% of the household income each month. Through various ventures Niki was earning something, but she will agree it was minimal, and the balance 20% came from child support.
I was also spending a lot of time with the children. I’d often be home before the children were in bed, and so could bath them etc. Also many mornings, I’d get up with the kids and get them ready for the day. I wasn’t able to take the kids to school a lot, but I certainly did more than once in while. In the last year, I took the kids to school before work, and was able to put them to bed nearly all the week.
At weekends, I’d spend pretty much all day with the kids. I didn’t go to football, or play golf for example, or spend hours drinking with friends. I’d spend the odd weekend away with friends, perhaps every six months or so
In other words, i’d say I was heavily involved in the kids lives.

With so much going on in life, the relationship with my wife was tested. We argued, as maybe every couple does, but in the end things always seemed to settle down and got back to normal. The text message history showed this, with a blazing row following by warmer messages just a few days later.

Another area that I feel is often not talked about, but has a material impact on married life, is money. It became the source of much stress for me — there were so many drains on it, with so many things to buy, it meant I felt like I had no choice but to push myself on. In that regard I’m no different to any other working dad. I can’t think of many other families where the only salaried income comes from the dad — yes there are some examples, but that does make my experience any easier. The argument that “Mr X can do it, so why can’t you” was used at me often, but I don’t think that was fair, looking back at it.

So, in short, the last six years have been very difficult for me. The addition of three children during that time multiplied that, and there is no doubt I was not the best person to live with at times.

I should add at this point, that I fully recognise the time, work and commitment Niki put into caring for the Children. It’s not easy, and as I was at work she was with the kids. The twins, in particular, was not an easy pregnancy or early few years.

In late 2018, this all came to a head with the event I describe at the start of this post.

Since this event, so much has happened I struggle to make sense of it all.

What started to emerge after the event, where the reasons Niki felt she had to do it.
Central to this, was the “abuse” and “coercive control” I had subjected her to for the previous years.
I was initially stunned to read this, because I didn’t understand what she meant, and I certainly didn’t recognise what I had done, that was abusive. It was a complete lie!

Without doubt, the previous few years had been difficult as I’ve just said, and my “behaviour” towards her was cold, or moody, more times than was healthy.
But abusive & controlling? I just didn’t and still don’t agree with that.

At first, we talked a bit, and managed some time together to talk, but it didn’t get very far. We texted a bit, but things often got very upsetting and we stopped.

Over time, when I came back to the house, I was asked, or rather demanded, that I leave the house. I tried to come back to see the kids. I had seen them every day, morning and night, for their whole lives. My whole life was for them, and for Niki. The stress, and physical symptoms of stress was somehow justified by the need to support them. I didn’t, and still don’t have many hobbies — everything was about the kids. So of course I wanted to see them. It hurt that I couldn’t see them in the mornings, as I had always done. The children coming into the bedroom to see me, then me (the girls nearly always wanted to see me) taking them downstairs for milk etc. But to not see them in the evening either, was a horrible feeling.
So I tried coming back, and the opposition to that became louder and more vocal.
Niki figured out that shouting at me was a powerful motivator for me to do what she wanted. I asked her to stop, for the sake of the kids. She didn’t and blamed me for being in the house. It created many instances or heated arguments, and upset, and hours talking about that upset with my parents.
The shouting turned into the police being called.

At Christmas 2018, things became more upsetting.

On Christmas day, I was keen to wake up in the same house as the kids, so stayed at the house on Xmas eve, much to the alarm of Niki.
Throughout Christmas day, the atmosphere was tense, and Niki didn’t want me in the house.

On the 27th December, my parents had booked tickets for the panto in Nottingham. I had planned to go as well, but cancelled at the last minute as Niki wanted to go and see her friend in Welwyn.
On New Years Eve, I discovered that was a lie. On the kids iPad, I found photos she had (presumably) shared, sent by Niki, to her new boyfriend. There was also a booking reference for a local hotel, for the 27th, where she had claimed to be at a girlfriends in Welwyn.
I was at the house that night, because I had been at a local party, with the two oldest girls. Niki was desperate for me to drive back to my parents, at gone midnight. I suspect, but cannot prove, this was so her boyfriend could meet her at the family house. The twins were at the house that night.
Regardless, I went home, and looked at the kids iPad after I got home. It was there that I saw the photos. I couldn’t sleep, I felt sick to my stomach. Even though we had basically separated, and I was seeing someone else as well, it was still very difficult to see.
The next day, I arranged to see her, and ask her about the photos. Was she seeing someone? NO was the answer, how could I suggest such a thing?
I asked her to look at the iPad photos.

My suspicion, is that she met this person earlier in the year (she admitted she met him in April 2018), and felt a better life could be had with him.

The next few days got worse.

For reasons still unknown, Niki singled out my mum as a target at around the time she forced me out. It’s still not clear why, but the level of vitriol saved for her was huge.
Linda had supported Niki extensively in many ways over the previous years, and the relationship was good. But from late 2018, it turned very ugly.
Linda was screamed at, in front of the kids, in early January 2019 when she brought the kids back home with me. The conversation was recorded, and and makes for harrowing listening. The weirdest part, was just why Niki was doing it?
The day after that event, Niki changed the locks on the door, and had called the police when I arrived at the house the night before the shouting.
Basically, there were four days of intense, visceral arguing, in front of the kids, which was about as upsetting as it gets.

Over the next 3 months, solicitors became involved. Threatening letters appeared from Niki to me, demanding that I end the “abuse” of her, and that my mum does the same. There were several “harassment warning” letters, but without saying what the harassment was.
I’ve kept a diary of that time, and its too full to list here. Basically, its drama after drama, with me basically wanting to see the kids at home, and Niki demanding that I don’t. Later, she demanded that I don’t enter the house when she’s not there as well. I asked for a reason. She gave a written reply: Because there was a time she was away and I stayed, I left mud in the sink from kids shoes, and left clothes on the bed, and that I disrespected my house by taking a blanket off a sofa. Enough to refuse me entry to my own house? I felt very upset.

At first, I asked what she meant by “abuse” of her. I wanted to make things better, for the kids. Not long after I left, I wrote a 20,000 letter about the past six years and more, setting out in fine detail the way I had been feeling. I wanted her to understand the stress I felt I was under. I sent the letter to her parents, and mine. I didn’t get a reply.
As for what she meant by abuse, she wouldn’t, or couldn’t tell me. It was me abusing her all over again, which I accept as an argument.
One example I did get, was the following. I asked for what she meant, give me an example of something I’ve said that was abusive.

She gave this example:

Niki was out, and was due to return quite late. She texted me to see if I wanted some chips. I was hungry, and probably in a bad mood. I replied with “don’t bother”. The message of “don’t bother” was given as abusive, and presumably the best example as that was the first she came up with.
Mean, maybe pretty cold — yes. Abusive — make your own mind up.

The divorce papers add no further details about abuse. My mum is mentioned though.

Today is March 27th 2019. Situation is that following two nights of Niki shouting at me in front of the kids on March 10th & 11th, and me just trying to see the kids, she has won. I have had to agree that I’ll never return to the house (my house, in my name), for fear of court action and arrest. I need to stress here — this has been done to protect the children — from Niki, and not me, screaming in front of the kids, the leave the house. A court will always protect the children, so I feel she has used the law to her full advantage.

This means I have far less contact with the kids than I ever have. On my solicitors advice, I proposed that I would have the four kids, at my parents house for three nights a week (allowing her to have a large 4 bedroom detached house to herself for those three nights). She refused that proposal, and is instead “offering” me 2 nights a week to see them. My belief is that she is doing this to try to get more money in the divorce settlement, which she has commenced.

Which brings me to the most upsetting part.

The mortgage for the house, is in my name. This means that I am unable to take another mortgage, or a rental property. I will always be legally obliged to pay that mortgage. Niki claims to be able to pay the mortgage, but she admits herself she is not on a salaried income, and I simply do not trust her to cover the cost of the mortgage, or make a lending decision to her.

That means that the house will eventually have to be sold.

I cannot be tied to a house that I am legally bared from entering, unable to move on.

I cannot live with my parents for long, as a 40 year old father of 4. I have a right to a life with them.

Niki cannot afford to take out a mortgage in her own name, or buy my share of the equity.

We will not be able to afford a house as appropriate as the one the kids have now.

So the only logical outcome is that the house is sold, the equity split, and new houses are found.

At every turn, I’ve pointed these facts out to Niki and her parents, and they either ignore them or pretend they don’t exist. I want a truce, to work as friends or colleagues for the benefit of the kids.

She is not engaging at all, and is now in a full blown legal battle with me, to try to stay in the house. I’ve spent thousands of pounds, and expect to pay thousands more.

Ultimately, I feel she wants to shift me out, and eventually replace me with another man that can support her.

In short, my life that I’ve built my entire adult life with Niki, since late 2001, seventeen and a half years ago, has been completely destroyed. Access to me kids is severely reduced. Financially I am ruined. It feels today, like life is over for me, and I feel extremely low.

I can only hope that this too shall pass, and that there are brighter times ahead.

I’m editing this on 23rd April, around a month after I wrote this post. As I have done every month, I’m paying the mortgage. She has also involved the Child Maintenance Service to get money out of me (I don’t contest this, the kids need money of course. I resent her never trying to resolve this without the the CMS). Divorce is proceeding, financial disclosure is underway but not actually completed yet. I’m seeing the kids, but not at the frequency I want, although I can’t say what I actually want given how complex & difficult it is to have the kids. So i’m paying a large amount of money to Niki each month (for an appreciating asset in part — the house), that I have zero control over, for less access to the kids, and am unable to move on with my life.

Since not long after we separated, I’ve been seeing someone and this weekend I met her family for the first time at a family wedding. They made me feel very welcome and happy, and I enjoyed the day.

It it wasn’t for the relationship I have now, and for being made to feel welcome and loved, I am fearful for what I’d be doing at this point in time, and in particular my health and safety. This sounds dramatic but isn’t intended to be. A cry for help? Possibly. Certainly reflective of how I feel, and how low I feel. I’m taking medication that I haven't taken before which helps, and am seeking further help which will get started later this week.

In the last month I’ve sent two long emails about the mortgage & house to Niki. The reality of our situation is that the mortgage needs to be renewed by end October, and at the moment as things stand I will not be doing that, given my access to the house. House needs to be sorted basically, and as I really don’t want to have to sell it, i’d prefer a way of not doing that. No reply at all so far. Basically I’ve got to do everything I can so that in the future I can say to myself, and everyone around me including the kids potentially, that I tried everything.

At the moment, the strategy that Niki is adopting, is to destroy dehumanise me, while taking my money, and to do so for the next 15 years at least, so in other words the rest of my life. If its found that I will indeed lose my house & all my equity, there really isn’t much point carrying on, and I suspect that is what my mind will turn to. I have a good life insurance policy that is many years old, and an expiry date of 2033. There can be no path to a happy & fulfilled life if denied a life by the mother of my children. Should that happen, and should someone be reading this after that event, let me be as clear as I can: that action would be a direct result of her actions, and must know, and know forever, that her actions caused that chain of events.