Anne Leedom Articles EHarmony
1. I am not very athletic. But I want a man who is. Can that work?
Of course! But that depends on whether you are completely supportive of your partner’s endeavors or whether you just *tolerate* them. :) Because they can tell the difference! If you admire athletic and adventurous drive in your partner, the best thing you can do for them is be their teammate — not necessarily the teammate that’s scaling the mountain or sweating their way though a half marathon right alongside them, but the teammate who is their “support crew” through their training and athletic events. In fact, as the person in my own relationship who is the adventurous competitor, I’ve spent a significant amount of time on both sides of this coin — I’ve had long term boyfriends that I have trained with and raced with, and now a fiancé who is my best support crew and biggest fan (but is completely non competitive). Guess which one I’m sticking with for the long haul? I have plenty of crazy friends to train with, but the person I want to go home to and spend my life with is my “crew”. If you become your partner’s fan, cheerleader, support system and home base, you will have a partner who is bonded to you for life.
So here are 5 Ways to Show Your Partner that You’re the Captain of their “Support Crew” and their Biggest Fan:
*Openly share with your friends and family how proud you are of your partner and his/her athletic accomplishments. Especially when they are within earshot. :) Best relationship glue ever.
*Remember that the drive to train hard or have adventures is never a need to be away from you, but a need to fulfill something in your partner’s psyche that craves accomplishment, exploration, etc, in the same way that you have your own needs to fulfill (just in different ways). If you both can appreciate and respect those aspects of one another, without seeing your respective *hobbies* as time away from the relationship/family, your relationship will be happier and healthier.
*Have something special planned or ready for your mate when they come home from a tough workout or event. A big hug and a yummy snack or a trip to the jacuzzi for two will be the kind of special surprise that will make coming home to you the best part of the adventure.
*Leave the leash at home. Having to set hours and parameters for your partner’s workouts or adventures is the first sign of the relationship apocalypse. Plus, it just gives their friends fodder to relentlessly razz them. Trust me on this. ;) Just be the best friend that your partner wants to get home to as soon as possible, and the time away to fulfill training goals will naturally be balanced out by the desire to be with you.
*Offer to literally be your partner’s “support crew” at their next big event or adventure: Make posters, grab a cowbell and scream from the sidelines, meet them at the finish with the dog and their favorite beer, meet them along the route of their bike ride with their favorite food and a warm jacket. The possibilities are endless. And they will remember those moments of kindness forever. Crew IS love.
3. Many of my dating experiences have been disasters. How can I do things differently so the next one is healthier?
In my experiences, you can tell if someone is going to be Your Person pretty early on in a relationship and in a few different ways. You don’t actually have to kiss a lot of frogs. With these 4 Key Signs That You’ve Met Your Person, you may get to the hug phase, but you’ll know before the Kiss whether this fairy tale is going to end well!
*Each person is running toward the other at the same speed, right off the bat. If things are one sided (i.e. You initiate the calls, the dates, the next steps much more often than your partner does), it’s not going to ultimately last. If you’re running toward one another (figuratively, of course) at two different speeds, run the other way. If your relationship “race” is well timed and both parties are shoulder to shoulder on your speed through the course of the relationship, that’s your person.
*Nobody is trying to change anyone. They let their mate be themselves. That’s it. If you find yourself thinking about how to change the other person, move on. As adults we come pre packaged with traits, weirdness, desires and habits. The magic happens when our own traits, weirdness, desire and habits naturally mesh with another human beings. So your job is to observe and analyze what IS, not to dream of what you might create with enough nagging. Hehe. I always suggest the 80% rule. If you adore and admire 80% of who your partner already is, there’s a good chance that’s your person.
*Each partner is supportive of (not just tolerant of) the other’s hobbies and passions. If you love to run, and your partner has your coffee and running shoes ready for you when you wake up, ready to help you get out the door for your “fix”, that’s your person. And you should be doing the same for them when it comes to the time and space to pursue what makes them happy and fulfilled.
*All problems are “team” problems. For example, if you can’t find your keys in the morning and your partner is right alongside you running from room to room checking the usual places, that’s your person. If you get the sense at any point that your partner is sitting there thinking “bummer to be you” and isn’t jumping into the ring to help you fight the good fight, move along.
Most Important Things I’ve Learned About Human Nature:
Disclaimer: I am merely an observer of human nature as a Firefighter, Adventure Racer, and teamwork and leadership “expert” (she says with finger quotes in the air above the keyboard), and not a psychologist with a long list of credentials and alphabet soup after my name. These are merely my observations. All names have been changed to protect the innocent.
The 3 Most Important Things I’ve Learned About Human Nature:
*People are weird. That’s it. We spend so much time trying to analyze other people, and then an equally large amount of time talking about them. But people are weird, and that’s the explanation. Trust me, this nugget will free up a lot of your brain space.
*People do what they want to do. Next time you find yourself trying to analyze why someone did something, or why they continue to engage in x, y, or z behavior, you can let your inner Freud rest. They’re doing exactly what they WANT to do. No deeper meaning, and take it for what it’s worth. Very rarely do people do things completely against their will. And when they want to stop doing something, they will.
*People spend way to much time thinking about what other people think of them. You know you’re awesome! And if you’re not, find ways to be awesomer. You spend the most amount of time with yourself. You know. So here’s my 3 part test to help you decide whether you should put one ounce of thought into something that someone else says about you:
1. Does this person know you well enough to have formulated an educated opinion about you?
2. Does this person, in offering their perspective or opinion, genuinely have your best interest in mind?
3. Do I respect this person enough to value his/her opinion?
If the answer to ANY of those three questions is “no” or “hell no”, hit your mental delete button on their “opinion” and move on with your happy day!
