Life is Hard

On being a parent by myself, and how my child saved me.

Hurricane Sandy is blowing through my city and I refuse to worry about it. I pay no attention to things like hurricanes, because my life feels like one every day, at best.

I’ve had a particularly long, frustrating day. I start taking it out on cleaning and cooking dinner. Moments later, my roommate walks in with her son and mine. They both run into my arms and tell me how scary the storm is. I hug them and tell them I’m so happy to see them. I teach them how to put away their boots and jackets.

I ask my son to help me put the money back into his piggy bank that I had dumped out the day before. We sit on the floor of our bedroom and put the coins in, one by one, and count all the way to 80. He counts with me with a big smile on his face.

I tell him, “always save your money,” and that’s when it hits me. We are that family. We are the “less fortunate” that I used to donate my expired cans to. My son is one of those children that doesn’t have a winter coat because we can’t afford it. My child is one of those that will wonder why his father is not a part of his life. The thing about kids, is they are so full of love and kindness, no matter how hard life can be. Now I look into the eyes of my child, the single human being that I have felt the most love for in all of my 23 years, and I feel sadness because he deserves better. I’ve failed him.

He won’t have a college fund. He will be that little boy at school getting picked on because he doesn’t have the newest, most fashionable clothes. Kids are mean. I was there, once. He’ll be sensitive, because he’s just like me.

He looks at me with tears falling off my face and asks, “are you sad, mommy?” I respond, “a little, sweetie.” He hugs me and as he pulls away he reaches out, wipes my tears, looks at me and says “it will be ok mommy.” Wise beyond his two and a half years. He lifts up his almost full piggy bank and says “I’m a strongest boy!” and makes me laugh. He’s shown me, once again, that he sees things differently. I’m here for him, and that’s enough. And really, it seems like I need him more than he needs me.