ROCD, How My Obsessions Began
What makes me different from everyone else? How can other people just let certain things go? Things that are so important and critical to life. Do they just not care as much? It was infuriating. Was I the only one that really gave a shit, was that possible?
Let’s back up to my teen years. For anyone they can be a very emotional time, a roller coaster of ups and downs just on their own. Pair that with a very unhappy home life…parents that seem to hate each other. Parents that won’t speak to one another and use their children to speak for them. Constantly being put in the middle, where you are supposed to choose a side. It feels like the weight of the world is on you.
So much yelling, fighting, and ugliness. I had no idea what a normal family looked like. When I would be at a friend’s house I noticed how much more peaceful their world seemed. Their parents seemed so nice, so loving. They spoke gently, without constant hostility. Was this what a happy home looked like? All I knew was that it was the opposite of how I felt at home.
Then in high school I have my first boyfriend and it was a truly deep connection. It was the boy that when I was in 5th grade that would through dirt on me and always joke around… showing me attention. It wasn’t until much later that I realized that that was how guys at that age flirt! He and I reconnected in 9th grade. We shared a journal that we took turns taking home and writing in each night and then giving it to the other person the next day to do the same. (I still have these journals today.) It was such a wonderful outlet for me. He made me laugh, he genuinely cared about me and I enjoyed our time together. It was special.
Then imagine that being abruptly taken away by your parents. The one steady thing you had in your life. A person that you cared about and loved, and you are told it is over. That’s it. It’s just gone and you are never to speak to him again. My heart was broken. I didn’t understand. I had no idea how I was supposed to just deal with these feelings. I had no one to talk to, no support. Talking to my parents was out of the question. They were very strict and very set in their ways. they would not budge.
I was powerless. I felt like I had zero control over my life. How would that story have ended with Daniel? Would we have dated for years? Would we be together today? Would we have broken up a month later? I have no idea and now I would never know. I was just supposed to deal with it. Maybe some people could have just moved on, let it go. Not me, it haunted my every thought. It grabbed hold and wouldn’t let go. It slowly started taking over…..