Green juice, the accidental poop and how to get a guy to like you

One autumn evening my neighbor invites me to his home for a working dinner to support our efforts as board members for our local Y.

I start most days juicing a bunch of leafy green matter. On this day, my 36 oz. tonic consists of collard greens, ginger, garlic, cilantro and lemon. After preparing my green juice, I take the tonic straight. Head back. Glass up. No chaser.

Green Juice

In conquest, I beat my chest with my fists. Affirming my “gutsiness.”

I clean up and start my day in my office nook. I’m focused. And accomplishing much shit. (Pun intended)

Midday, my gut is feeling rebellious. I brush it off. This is par for the course for me, when juicing. I’m distracted. I switch thoughts. “Holy, crap.”

Customarily, I extinguish arrestingly violent burst of gaseous air from my butt. Statistically, today should be no different. Like most gambling outcomes, my streak was coming to an end. At first, I was in disbelief. Bewildered. “Oh, crap.”

I arrive at my neighbor’s home to a culinary photo shoot that is winding down. His home is the lifestyles of the-better-and-better. He has a chef’s kitchen with a long island. Scattered about are culinary delights which includes smoothies. I’m chatting up the guys — my neighbor, his boyfriend — the chef and the photographer. The chef is sharing the details of the photo shoot and hyping his culinary skills. I’m curious. I ask to taste a smoothie perched on the counter. In response, the chef cultures me on professional food photography and how the dishes are made for photo taking and not for eating. So, by drinking one of the smoothies my stomach would become upset.

In knee jerk reaction, I defend my gritty gut. With my chest puffed out, I start off strong. Hyping my green juicing habits. I end the story with my “leaky gut” passing a glob of poop instead of gas.

We laugh, eat and days later my neighbor reaches out to me to share the photographer’s interest.


My advice on how to get a guy to like you:

► Share your stories, embarrassing or not — it makes you interesting

► Your story should be abutting to the conversation. Don’t talk about the time your dog chewed your Jimmy Choo shoes, if it is unrelated to the banter at hand

► Drink green juice. It will keep you healthy and you will have a butt load of stories to share

► Lastly, talk shit! Guys love that.