Wanna Be A True NYer? Read This

1. Know how to get home — meaning know how to read a subway map, navigate on the streets of NY and tell your cab driver the directions home, don’t assume he knows where he’s going, unless he’s an Uber. Also, so you don’t look stupid if someone asks you for directions.

2. Stay right — when you go down the stairs, up the stairs, north, and south. Right side, ALWAYS!

3. The subway — Make sure you leave early enough (the earlier the better) going to work, to an interview, school, just anywhere. Because you never know if the subway is on strike, or derailed, or just doesn’t show up. Also if the subway car is empty, it’s for a reason. Don’t get excited, you’ll regret it later. Trust me.

4. Avoid the touristy stuff — nobody goes to Times SQ voluntarily, unless you work there. The same goes for Battery Park, Ground Zero, Bloomingdale’s, Macy’s, F.A.O. Schwartz, you get the idea.

5. Electronics — don’t buy them unless it says Best Buy or Apple on it. All other non-authorized handlers sell either stolen goods or open-box items without a warranty.

6. By donation — means you can give as much as you please. Yoga to the people, certain museums like the MET, and yes they will try to argue with you, because they think you are a tourist. But you know better.

7. Loosies and a forty, shorty — Means you can buy “loose” cigarettes at your neighborhood bodega, but only once you’ve built that trust with your bodega guy, since it’s illegal, and everybody who sells them always fears undercover cops. A “forty” is any liquor that holds 40 oz. Mostly however you call a forty, a forty, when it’s an “Olde English” malt liquor.

8. Don’t take shit — if someone bothers people on your subway car, jump in or call the cops, but for Christ’s sake do something.

9. Meeting people — always exchange info, even if it’s only your Facebook. You’ll never know what and who they know, and they might think the same about you.

10. Don’t burn bridges — NY’ers are not that sensitive when you don’t reply back, or see them for a year, but if they feel you spit right in their face, they going to be butt hurt. And people know people. That includes previous jobs and bosses. Just keep your cool and play it low.

11. Houston — not Texas, but the Street above Delancey and below 2nd St. It’s pronounced “Hauston” not “Hjouston” like the city in Texas, or the deceased singer.

12. Juniors & Katz’s Deli — Although you might have not tried Junior’s creamy cheesecake in person or waited in line for Katz’s Deli on the LES, you must and should have at least heard of it.

13. Know your rights — tenant rights especially. NY’s landlords are crooked sharks. You usually gotta do the work, if something needs to get fixed. 311 will be your speed dial. And they will help you. Be your own Marvel hero.