Shakeology Review: Snake Oil and Dirt Water

Sorry I’m not sorry, but I wouldn’t pay Shakeology’s 30 serving, $130 price tag for a tub of Mother Mary’s breast milk protein — and Shakeology doesn’t even give you a tub. They give you packets, like the one above. I don’t think I’ve ever claimed my “reviews” to be completely objective. However, I’ve never felt the need to preface one by mentioning that…until now.

No, I didn’t pay for this either. I’ve made it known that if I ever purchase Shakeology that I would like to be punched in the dick, and I don’t want to be punched in the dick. This packet was given to me by a lovely friend who is too smart for the beach-body/shakeology/nonsense. What do I mean by too smart? She made it out of elementary school. She’s actually accomplished much more, but a 6th grade reading level is about all that’s required to be a Beach Body coach. Well, 6th grade leading and shitty morals. Here, I’ve updated the FAQ on their site.

Okay, so I won’t be able to escape my distaste from the company. BUT I will provide you with an honest review on the taste…and maybe a bit of a break down on the ingredients.

Opening the packet, it smelled like soil and not much else.

I tasted a bit of the powder on its own: it was chalky and tasted almost exactly like Nesquik…mixed with grass and dirt. If you’ve had pea protein before, you’re likely familiar.

I then mixed it with skim milk and a spoon. Yes, beach body warriors — skim milk. Not almond/rice/soy/coconut — before any of you start with the dairy alarmism, please recognize that this is the exact same skim milk that the whey protein isolate in the product comes from. Okay, so mixed with skim milk — it tasted like chalky liquid Nesquik soil.

How should it have tasted for this price? Less like I spilled protein powder in my backyard, and more like Jacques Torres was making it fresh for Thomas Keller and I somehow intercepted it. Now, some of you may be saying that is an unrealistic expectation, but I’d argue that it’s a tad more realistic than the promises of a 21-day fix, but I digress.

I’m not an expert. Compared to beach-body coaches; yes — took research statistics which makes me like Carl Sagan to them. But generally, I’m not an expert in the nutrition field, so I asked someone who is: my friend, Dick Talens.

Before the angry comments or lack thereof. If you’ve had fantasticalabulous “results” while using Shakeology — that’s great, but I promise you they didn’t come from the shakeology. I said promise. I mean it. Replace your Shakeology with a tub of regular old protein powder and a multi-vitamin, it will taste a hell of a lot better, save you money, and you’ll get those same results…or lack thereof. If I’m wrong you can punch me in the dick.

Grade: F-

I didn’t even finish it. Maybe I should have tried the vanilla?

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