What is happiness for you?
Some of the answers may include
- Being wealthy
- Having a nice
- family
- house
- car
- vacations
- career
- friends
- body
- etc.
- Being “successful” (whatever this means)
- Being healthy (physically and mentally)
Can you see a pattern here?
For all the things I listed above, you need to somehow “get” them, and you may lose them (like your good health, for example). Therefore, happiness, in this sense, is not 100% in your control.
Before continuing, all the listed things above are nice to have, and there is nothing wrong with them. However, attaching happiness to something you can lose is problematic.
And you don’t want that. After all, shit happens. And it will happen to all of us, sooner or later.
In this post, I want to point out that one can be “happy” no matter how shiny or crappy your life is. Yes, you guessed it right. By choosing and solving your own problems. More about this at the end.
The problem with the “usual” definition of happiness
The “true” definition of happiness has been debated since the dawn of time. It is not my intention here to settle this discussion. For simplicity, I will consider two ways one can measure it. The first one I referred to at the beginning is the standard Western way of happiness. In our society, the epitome of a happy person is someone who has achieved significant life goals. We usually measure these accomplishments through wealth, fame, and popularity. And since we all want to be happy somehow, we try to imitate them. We chase the cool car, the latest iPhone, an aesthetic physique, and try to follow the latest trends from Instagram or TikTok.
And well, it is clear to me that this doesn’t work. After all, despite being more prosperous than ever, the Western world is facing a profound existential crisis. Young people feel hopeless and worried about the future. On the other hand, the older side of the spectrum has to deal with jobs they don’t enjoy to afford their lifestyle. After all, you don’t want to lose your pretty house that still needs to be paid.
Worst of all, people bullshit themselves, claiming they are happy. In reality, many of them are just going through a mediocre life. It may sound harsh, but many adults give up their big dreams and settle for what society gives them.
The big problems with attaching a happy life to “things” or experiences are
- They come and go
- Not everyone can get them
We have all experienced the nice high we get when buying our favorite gadget. But days later, it becomes part of the routine and doesn’t give us the same joy as when we acquired it. Since it is not sustainable to keep buying shit all the time, the dissatisfaction we dread creeps in at some point. This experience even has a name: hedonic adaptation.
Deep down, you know that material possessions and fabulous experiences don’t bring lasting happiness. That’s what all spiritual gurus say. But almost no one tells us how to become happy in life. After all, if nobody is happy, who will teach us? The guru will tell you to follow the spiritual path and reach enlightenment. I know that for most people, this sounds like woo-woo nonsense (Spoiler alert: it is not). That’s why I will propose a middle-ground solution you can apply right now, leading to a more fulfilling life.
My way to happiness
Don’t hope for a life without problems,” the panda said. “There’s no such thing. Instead, hope for a life full of good problems.”
Mark Manson, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life
First, let me define in vague terms what happiness would be. It is a sense of “looking forward” in life. A feeling that you are living the life you want to have. In other words, becoming the architect of your life. It’s not about pleasures and instant gratification but a more ethereal and permanent feeling of how your life is going. It is a more subtle, joyful experience.
We can glimpse this experience in nature or when making passionate love. Usually, it does not involve our thinking mind. However, the two above are also temporary experiences. If we want a more permanent feeling of happiness, we must find a different way. As the title of the post suggests, what works for me is to find and solve your own problems. Yes, I know this doesn’t sound sexy. But let me convince you that it is not as dull as it may sound.
Quite the contrary: you will become the hero in your video game called Life.
Become the main character in your life
One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful.
Sigmund Freud
I advocate using your difficult times as a catalyst for growth in your life. And sadly, our current society has pampered us, and many people see problems as something “bad” or “to avoid.” On the other hand, I’m not a proponent of masochism and suffering for the sake of suffering. It is about choosing your struggles and then solving them.
Here is a general overview of the method:
1) Pick your problem
The happiest I felt was when I felt “free” to do whatever I wanted to do. Having the opportunity to choose what I want to focus on. On the contrary, the most miserable I feel is when I am “the bitch” of someone else –doing something without a purpose. There is a phrase: “Either you are fulfilling your life purpose or someone else’s purpose.”
This little anecdote makes the following point: It’s not about any problems but your problems. You need to sit down and contemplate what areas of your life suck ass:
- Your job?
- Your family?
- Your health?
- Your relationships?
Pick one that you think is the most urgent. Again, you may be working on a cool project in your job, but chances are, someone else makes the big decisions. So, it doesn’t count. It has to be your problem. To make this concrete, suppose I want to improve my dating life, a common challenge many young (and not so!) guys face. You can adapt this example to any significant problem you are facing in your life.
2) Go big
Don’t choose as a goal, “I will talk to the girl I like.” This is a small goal in the grand scheme of things, and you don’t have 100% control over it. After all, she may not be attracted to you, and you cannot do much about it. Instead, choose “I want to become good at talking to women” or “I want to improve my social skills.” Regardless, if you can talk to anybody, you will be able to communicate with women. Since this problem can be ambiguous, you must pick a metric to tell you when your challenge ends. I would choose, for example, “I’m not afraid of approaching and talking confidently to any person I want.” You can verify this metric directly, independent of your surroundings. On the contrary, a metric such as “having a girlfriend” is not 100% dependent on you. Or you may get lucky and get one on the first try.
Note: As you improve at solving your problems, some may be more difficult to measure. By then, you will have to trust more in your intuition. Yet, for more basic problems –and the ones you will want to focus on first, they are usually easier to measure.
The reasoning for going big is twofold:
- Bigger problems take longer to finish. Thus, the challenge will keep you motivated for longer
- Bigger problems usually are more rewarding and will contain many minor problems that will improve your life
A big problem may take years to accomplish. But along the way, you will get a bunch of mini-rewards that will keep you on track.
3) Start small and improve little by little
This step may sound contradictory to the previous one, but it is not. The main idea is to apply the concept of progressive overload. It is a familiar term for the gym bros who are reading this. For the rest, it means you want to improve little by little, either by more practice or by more challenging problems. This concept is very clear in the gym: either you make more reps or sets or increase the weight. But you start with a few sets and weights since anything will make your body work.
You can apply the same principle to any skill. In our example, you can start small by going to a mall and asking questions to the salespeople there. Since it is their job to talk to you, the rejection rate is 0%. You cannot fail (unless you have a more severe problem like social anxiety). You can even talk to the old ladies or guys working there.
After a while, talking to workers at the mall is not a problem for you. Then, you can increase the challenge and ask for directions or the time (without a watch, of course!). Simple questions that anybody should be able to answer. At this stage, it is not necessary to engage in conversations. Just say Hi, ask the question, say thanks, and leave. Simple, right? As before, you can start with older people or guys. As this gets routine, you can ask the same questions to girls you find attractive or even groups of people.
You can move to a bigger challenge as you get comfortable asking for directions or time, for example, trying to engage in conversations. Many of you will feel quite terrified about making this jump, but again, recall that Improvement = Failures. Your goal is not to get any phone numbers at this stage. It’s about getting exposed to the situation and facing the fear. And be OK that you will make the clown here and there.
If you pay attention, you will realize that the fear is all in your mind. It’s not real. But the same applies whenever you feel resistance to do something.
Concluding a big life project can take from several months to several years. However, the little improvements you will see along the way will keep you motivated. You will experience this feeling of “looking forward” towards life. I find this feeling fascinating.
Conclusion: But I cannot quit my job!!
A lot of people are unhappy in their jobs. A common objection is, “I need to work this job I don’t enjoy because I want to feed my family! I cannot just quit, right? “
Understandably, you want to treat your family well and give them the best you can. I know that if you have a mortgage and bills to pay, you cannot leave your job and “follow your passion” (if you have one). You need to be strategic.
But look, you made your life choices, so first, you should become aware and take 100% responsibility for your actions. Every action has a consequence. However, it’s already done, so you can only change your present moment. What can you do NOW to improve your current situation? Don’t you have time? Look at my previous post, where I show you how to get an extra hour a day to work on yourself. In a nutshell, you have to find what is a priority in your life and throw the rest.
Of course, you don’t want to make radical changes in one day. It may take years to reach your ultimate goal. But this is EXACTLY what we are talking about here with happiness –it’s about setting goals YOU want and trying to achieve them. If you don’t have a clear vision of your future, this will become your goal. Even though you may be working on something else to pay your bills, this personal project will motivate you to do the “normal” job better. Maybe you will become more productive! Notice this is a compounding process.
I talk in more detail about this topic in the video below. If you liked this article, subscribe to my newsletter to get access to free self-improvement principles every week.
