I’ve experienced significant (psychological) pain recently, and maybe you are also having a rough time. If not, you have experienced at some point in your life certain situations that have changed the course of your life:
- Death of a loved one
- Changing careers
- The breakup of a relationship
- Feeling of hopelessness
among many other examples. Even though some of these circumstances escape us and are outside our control, much of the pain we experience comes from fear. Specifically, fear of failure is where I want to focus in this post.
Fear of failure is one of the most shared experiences among us, at least in our society. It paralyzes us. But it’s not always been the case. After all, children usually are not afraid (and coincidentally, they can learn so fast). We learn to fear by facing a dangerous situation (burning ourselves after touching a hot pot) or because our parents tell us we should be careful (don’t touch this!).
However, our fear of failure is wholly solidified after going to school, whether we are good students or not.
How the school system implants the fear of failure
When I was a kid, I was a good student (and actually, part of my identity). Therefore, having a bad grade terrified me. I even didn’t see the feedback when I got a bad grade. Because my identity was based on good grades and my parents, teachers, and society reinforced that, I feared “failing.”
But you see that the incentives are entirely reversed. The focus should be on learning and improving (thus, making mistakes) instead of acing the tests.
Just a caveat: I’m not saying you should have bad grades. Also, studying hard taught me good values such as work ethic and discipline. But the problem is when your only way of measuring success is by the grades. You may have also experienced the following situation: you studied for a test the day before and memorized its contents. You got a good grade but forgot everything the next day.
In my case, I used to read the book for Spanish class (my mother tongue) many times to remember every detail of them so that I could ace the tests. In retrospect, this is silly, but I didn’t know any better back then.
On the contrary, if your grades weren’t good in school, you were a “bad student” and essentially a bad person. After all, disappointing your parents and teachers is a harrowing experience for small kids.
As a consequence, we end up learning that failing is bad. And this mental model goes with us for the rest of our lives.
Now, this is not a rant against the educational system. It is a more systemic problem that permeates the whole society. Thanks to modern technology, we can see now 24/7 la crème de la crème in every aspect of our lives:
- Sports
- Celebrities
- Fitness
- Money
- Science
- etc
and therefore, being average is a synonym for “failing.” But this is pretty toxic since most of us will be “average” (i.e., if everyone is a millionaire, nobody is rich).
Why improvement = failure
Improvement at anything is based on thousands of tiny failures, and the magnitude of your success is based on how many times you’ve failed at something.
Mark Manson, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life
The main point I want to make here is that you need to reframe failure as something positive, not negative. After all, (almost) everyone wants to improve themselves and be “better” in life (whatever that means). But nobody is willing to pay the price for it (aka, failing).
In a nutshell, improvement is about realizing what doesn’t work. Let me illustrate this point with an example: learning a language (as an adult). By the way, I’m not a language expert, but I’ve been learning German for a while, so I have skin in the game here.
There are two prominent schools of thought about how to learn a language:
- The classroom method: learn first the grammar, and then do some exercises to check you know the rules
- The Duolingo method: To see a bunch of examples, make a bunch of mistakes, and see what works and what doesn’t
I think that the optimal way lies between the two (i.e., learning the patterns while drilling a lot), but I claim the following:
Even though the Duolingo method can be slow, it is enough to become fluent in a language by itself. On the contrary, with the classroom method alone, you will never become fluent in a language.
Note: by fluent, I don’t mean native, but comfortable enough to understand and be understood (while still making mistakes).
The Duolingo method is how we learn languages as kids so that it will work eventually. On the other hand, the classroom method is akin to the school system: you memorize the rules and then test them to see if you learned them.
I’ve tried both methods and anything in between during my German journey, and I can confirm my claim. Indeed, last year I took a B1 (lower-intermediate) German course. Since I’m a good student, I did the exercises correctly most of the time. Yet, after the class ended, I felt I couldn’t speak any better.
I got stagnated because I didn’t speak too much. I was afraid of making mistakes and not being understood. Somehow, I was waiting until I got better to talk more, but in retrospect, it is foolish to wait because I will never improve if I don’t practice. Since I’ve started practicing more often, I’ve gotten better at speaking (still, it’s not great, but that means I have to continue practicing).
In contrast, native speakers rarely make mistakes because they are experts in their language. It is an unconscious activity at this point. At the same time, their room for improvement is limited. For language learners like me, there is a lot of space for improvement, which means that I will need to make many mistakes until it becomes second nature.
Of course, there are situations where “not failing” is desirable. You want to avoid making mistakes on the road while driving! But if you want to become more skilled at anything and be ahead of 99% of the people, you must shift your perspective about failing and embracing it.
You are not unique (and that is good)
Reframing your mind about failure can take as little as a second and as long as a lifetime
Our minds are one of the most complex and beautiful systems we know. Yet, it can be our worst enemy. It has the capacity to imagine the outcome of a possible failure, and usually, it’s not a colorful picture.
For example, the fear of rejection is one of the greatest fears of us guys. We start overthinking all the possible scenarios where things can go wrong:
- The girl will mock me
- Everyone around us will notice it and start looking at me
- You have a blank mind and don’t know what to say
- After all, she may have a boyfriend…
End result: you panic and end up doing nothing. Sounds familiar?
In reality, the most likely outcome will be like this:
- You go and talk to her
- She will answer and may look unexcited
- After a while, you ask for her number
- She says she has a boyfriend
- You wish her a good day and leave
Super crazy, right? Do you think someone will stop and look at what you are doing? In reality, nobody gives a fuck about you. You are not special (nor me). Most fear of failure comes from a sense of entitlement that people will stop, look, and laugh at you. But in reality, people only care about themselves, and so do you. So relax!
I know this is easier said than done. Most of us are addicted to overthinking, resulting in paralysis. Consequently, we regret our inaction, which causes more pain and overthinking. In no time, we are trapped in a negative feedback loop.
Conclusion: but but, what if I really fail??
Let’s say you are starting a business. By failure, we could say that after 3–5 years, you cannot support yourself and are forced to find a job so you don’t go broke. Even then, you will have collected a bunch of experience and learn what not to do. You don’t know what works and what doesn’t if you don’t try. Of course, there are “better” paths than others. Ideally, you have a concrete action plan and have taken advice from someone with more experience than you. It is not about going mindlessly through life.
But what if you try and work hard, and after 3–5 years, you can barely support yourself, feel overworked, and want to quit? I would ask you then: what were your expectations? Did you expect to work 4 hours a week and become a millionaire after one year? What if I come to you and guarantee you an annual income of 1 million dollars after putting 15600 hours into work? (the equivalent of 60 hours a week for 5 years) do you take it? I’m not saying you must work 15000 hours to become a millionaire. But you must realize that you must put the work into it (10000-hour rule). If you put 10000 hours into your business (or any skill), it’s impossible to fail unless you are a fool and don’t improve yourself. You cannot expect different results doing the same thing repeatedly.
There is no step-by-step magic formula to remove your irrational fears from your life (see my previous post, where I write in-depth about fears). For me, at least, it only came after enormous amounts of emotional pain. You may need to wait until you experience an existential crisis (Spoiler alert: the sooner, the better).
Here are some pointers that may lead you on the correct path:
- Failure is not optional; it’s mandatory
- Having the right incentives can make a huge difference: set proper goals. Instead of “more money” or “more fame,” aim for a purpose bigger than yourself, which at the same time will fulfill you
- Having this change of perspective already can be powerful, and if you internalize it, you will reap the benefits. It can be a life-changing experience
- Shifting your fears: fear of regret instead of fear of failure:
- What is more important: what others may think of me or reaching my goal?
- Ask yourself: how will you feel in 1 year if you haven’t accomplished your goal? Visualize yourself and feel the pain
- You are going to die one day. Imagine yourself on your deathbed and imagine how miserable you will feel for all the things you didn’t do because you were afraid
- Incremental progress is the key: start slow and then keep working on it (progressive overload)
- Remind yourself every day that you are going to die soon. This principle can be quite liberating (although, for some people, it can be depressing)
- Life is short, and you have only one shot. Are you going to waste it or do something with it? Do you want to be an NPC or the hero of your life?
- There is no right and wrong here. That is up to you, and that is the beauty of life. You can do whatever the fuck you want
- Sometimes, you need to hit rock bottom to realize these truths. Maybe you are not there yet. I hope you will reach it sooner rather than later
If you are having a hard time right now, I want to remind you it won’t last forever. Pain is neither good nor bad; it is just a reminder to take action and change our lives.
I talk in more detail about this topic in the video below. If you liked this article, subscribe to my newsletter to get access to free self-improvement principles every week.
